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Has the job changed the man?

Posted by on Aug. 14, 2009 at 10:16 AM
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My husband has been a CO at a Maximum Security faciliy in NY state for about 4 years now.  I have seen unwanted changes in him over the past year or so.  He has become negative and cynical.  He tends to be racist when he was not at all before.  He has even started abusing his power, not following laws because all he has to do is show his badge and won't get a ticket and is not behaving in a professional manner while at work (everyone else does it, I don't understand, they can get away with it, etc)   I'm not impressed with the person he has become and am afraid of what he will be in the future.  We had a huge arguement about it last night.  I don't know what to do.  Has anyone else noticed these changes in their CO husbands?

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by on Aug. 14, 2009 at 10:16 AM
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Replies (1-10):
mrsherron
by on Aug. 14, 2009 at 11:50 PM

My DH has been working as a CO for going on three years now and I have seen little changes, though nothing as drastic as what you mentioned. When he first started working up there he wasn't as cynical. I know it is a really tough job, and I can understand why, but it breaks my heart to see him getting a dimmer view on the world and the people in it. He's wanted to do law enforcement all of his life, and he is good at his job, but I really think he would be better suited outside of the prison. Maybe it's a good thing that he has been off on short-term disability for the past two months (tore his ankle up). He's had a nice break and he's brightened back up. Maybe your DH just needs a break.

yvonne37
by owner on Aug. 16, 2009 at 1:34 PM

Mu husband is going on 18 years and he is cynical and always thinks the worst of everyone.. very paraniod and over protective.. These are the changes that happen because of the job, they see the ugly truth on a daily basis.. but (and its a big but) he has never misused his power and he is not racist at all, he treats the inmates with the respect they gain by showing him respect and he keeps his job (most of the times) out of our home.. I know exactly what you are talking about, don't feel offended but my husband transferred to a prison upstate and did not like it, he told me he saw things done that where violating lots of rules and laws and he asked to be sent back to his main prison, the tension was too much, they expected him to just "go with the flow" and he is not the kind of man that can be pressured.. so in my opinion, maybe your husband is being pressured at work to do things just to fit in, some (not all COs, but some) have their little groups and they roll together... doing things that they should not.. 

Maybe your husband is feeling stressed about it and deep inside he hates the fact that he has to act like a jerk to keep peace in his surroundings, and for his own security too.. (if they dont like him, they wont be so prompt to respond if he needs help).  So please listen to him and read between the lines, make his home a safe haven for him to come to and explain to him that you want the man you married in your home, he can act the way he pleases at work.. but the minute he steps into your house he should leave everything behind.

PS: better said that done.. but its not impossible.. hope this helps and works :)

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Jamie-Leigh
by on Aug. 18, 2009 at 4:16 PM

I have seen changes both good and bad in my husbad since he started working as a CO 6 years ago. He has learned a lot more about responsibility especially since becoming a supervisor. The sad thing is he is also becoming some what institutionalized (sadly even he will admit that)I have noticed especially in the last year that he is more I'm trying to find a nice way to put it but basically. He is very distanced he try to treat me and others more harshly/gruff I suppose. I don't know how to explain it exactly. He is just harder. He is no longer a very warm touchy feely type of person (which is good if he's at work, even though he was never what you would call "soft" and "warm and fuzzy" at work) he used to be at home. He doesn't notice the change at all and we fight a lot about it. I really don't know how to explain the changes they are small things.


   

3_ring_circus_
by on Aug. 19, 2009 at 1:04 AM

After 10 years of my DH working as a CO I feel like i have been on a roller coaster lol, at first it wasn't bad he became serious and would look at people differently, then he worked in Seg and he was a completely different man, the kind of man i would never want to be married to luckily he realized what it was doing to him and switched out to general population. yes he is different now he judges people harshly and i tend look at the whole picture where his view is very narrow. to me it is part of the price we pay for the job he took, some days i have to sit down and give him a  reality check and he doesn't always like it but is grateful that i point out when he is being a real a@@. I have to remind him that his children are not his prisoners and that he needs to use different tactics.

lifesgood06
by on Aug. 19, 2009 at 2:10 AM

My dhhas been a CO for 8 yrs, a Sgt for 3 of those years.  He has changed as well, in noticed the same thing you did about the harshness.  He's always been protective and alert but even more so now.  He doesn't like crowds and when we go out to eat he wants to sit where he can see the door.   Plus,  I do hate that there is so much crap that happens in there not job related, affairs to name one and he seems like it's just no big deal, where before he would disgusted by such actions his friends/coworkers.  He can be so callous and when I call him on it he'll say it's being a CO..the life.  I tell him he is NOT his job and it is NOT his life.  But it's the same song that a lot of the CO's sing.  I've gotten to know quite a few of his male and female coworkers, even a few of the women I have met are hardened by the job.  Luckily, I don't have a problem telling him when it's an issue for me.  He doesn't see it so I make sure to let him know.  He does make it a point to change because he doesn't like it either he just needs a reminder.   On his days off he morphs into the man I married but during the work week it's another story.  I love when he's on vacation because I get MY man back for a long stretch of time without having to knock him over the head to straighten out...lol.

Quoting Jamie-Leigh:

I have seen changes both good and bad in my husbad since he started working as a CO 6 years ago. He has learned a lot more about responsibility especially since becoming a supervisor. The sad thing is he is also becoming some what institutionalized (sadly even he will admit that)I have noticed especially in the last year that he is more I'm trying to find a nice way to put it but basically. He is very distanced he try to treat me and others more harshly/gruff I suppose. I don't know how to explain it exactly. He is just harder. He is no longer a very warm touchy feely type of person (which is good if he's at work, even though he was never what you would call "soft" and "warm and fuzzy" at work) he used to be at home. He doesn't notice the change at all and we fight a lot about it. I really don't know how to explain the changes they are small things.


elwalters77
by on Aug. 19, 2009 at 9:37 AM

My husband was the man I married while he was on paternity leave after our son was born.  I want that man back.

Quoting lifesgood06:

My dhhas been a CO for 8 yrs, a Sgt for 3 of those years.  He has changed as well, in noticed the same thing you did about the harshness.  He's always been protective and alert but even more so now.  He doesn't like crowds and when we go out to eat he wants to sit where he can see the door.   Plus,  I do hate that there is so much crap that happens in there not job related, affairs to name one and he seems like it's just no big deal, where before he would disgusted by such actions his friends/coworkers.  He can be so callous and when I call him on it he'll say it's being a CO..the life.  I tell him he is NOT his job and it is NOT his life.  But it's the same song that a lot of the CO's sing.  I've gotten to know quite a few of his male and female coworkers, even a few of the women I have met are hardened by the job.  Luckily, I don't have a problem telling him when it's an issue for me.  He doesn't see it so I make sure to let him know.  He does make it a point to change because he doesn't like it either he just needs a reminder.   On his days off he morphs into the man I married but during the work week it's another story.  I love when he's on vacation because I get MY man back for a long stretch of time without having to knock him over the head to straighten out...lol.

Quoting Jamie-Leigh:

I have seen changes both good and bad in my husbad since he started working as a CO 6 years ago. He has learned a lot more about responsibility especially since becoming a supervisor. The sad thing is he is also becoming some what institutionalized (sadly even he will admit that)I have noticed especially in the last year that he is more I'm trying to find a nice way to put it but basically. He is very distanced he try to treat me and others more harshly/gruff I suppose. I don't know how to explain it exactly. He is just harder. He is no longer a very warm touchy feely type of person (which is good if he's at work, even though he was never what you would call "soft" and "warm and fuzzy" at work) he used to be at home. He doesn't notice the change at all and we fight a lot about it. I really don't know how to explain the changes they are small things.

 


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Jamie-Leigh
by on Aug. 19, 2009 at 2:18 PM

That is the same with my husband. He can't stand for people to be behind him he wants to sit against the wall where  he can see everything plus he gets a little antsy in large crowds.

Quoting lifesgood06:

My dhhas been a CO for 8 yrs, a Sgt for 3 of those years.  He has changed as well, in noticed the same thing you did about the harshness.  He's always been protective and alert but even more so now.  He doesn't like crowds and when we go out to eat he wants to sit where he can see the door.   Plus,  I do hate that there is so much crap that happens in there not job related, affairs to name one and he seems like it's just no big deal, where before he would disgusted by such actions his friends/coworkers.  He can be so callous and when I call him on it he'll say it's being a CO..the life.  I tell him he is NOT his job and it is NOT his life.  But it's the same song that a lot of the CO's sing.  I've gotten to know quite a few of his male and female coworkers, even a few of the women I have met are hardened by the job.  Luckily, I don't have a problem telling him when it's an issue for me.  He doesn't see it so I make sure to let him know.  He does make it a point to change because he doesn't like it either he just needs a reminder.   On his days off he morphs into the man I married but during the work week it's another story.  I love when he's on vacation because I get MY man back for a long stretch of time without having to knock him over the head to straighten out...lol.

Quoting Jamie-Leigh:

I have seen changes both good and bad in my husbad since he started working as a CO 6 years ago. He has learned a lot more about responsibility especially since becoming a supervisor. The sad thing is he is also becoming some what institutionalized (sadly even he will admit that)I have noticed especially in the last year that he is more I'm trying to find a nice way to put it but basically. He is very distanced he try to treat me and others more harshly/gruff I suppose. I don't know how to explain it exactly. He is just harder. He is no longer a very warm touchy feely type of person (which is good if he's at work, even though he was never what you would call "soft" and "warm and fuzzy" at work) he used to be at home. He doesn't notice the change at all and we fight a lot about it. I really don't know how to explain the changes they are small things.

 



   

lifesgood06
by on Aug. 19, 2009 at 9:09 PM

My brother is a CO and he is the same way, must be facing entrances and can't stand crowds.  He won't go to a concert or anything like that.  My Dad is retired highway patrol and again same thing.  They are all so vigilante as well. 

Quoting Jamie-Leigh:

That is the same with my husband. He can't stand for people to be behind him he wants to sit against the wall where  he can see everything plus he gets a little antsy in large crowds.

Quoting lifesgood06:

My dhhas been a CO for 8 yrs, a Sgt for 3 of those years.  He has changed as well, in noticed the same thing you did about the harshness.  He's always been protective and alert but even more so now.  He doesn't like crowds and when we go out to eat he wants to sit where he can see the door.   Plus,  I do hate that there is so much crap that happens in there not job related, affairs to name one and he seems like it's just no big deal, where before he would disgusted by such actions his friends/coworkers.  He can be so callous and when I call him on it he'll say it's being a CO..the life.  I tell him he is NOT his job and it is NOT his life.  But it's the same song that a lot of the CO's sing.  I've gotten to know quite a few of his male and female coworkers, even a few of the women I have met are hardened by the job.  Luckily, I don't have a problem telling him when it's an issue for me.  He doesn't see it so I make sure to let him know.  He does make it a point to change because he doesn't like it either he just needs a reminder.   On his days off he morphs into the man I married but during the work week it's another story.  I love when he's on vacation because I get MY man back for a long stretch of time without having to knock him over the head to straighten out...lol.


 

yvonne37
by owner on Aug. 20, 2009 at 7:16 PM

wow its amazing how the job really changes them.. and all the things said here goes for my husband too..

He says that I am too soft and naive.. I know what he means.. but then again, we cant always distrust everything and everyone.

He also dislikes crowds and wont sit down in a place where he cant see the doors and the movements.. wow.. lol..

elwalters77... again, I think you should sit down with him and have a nice talk.. let him see what you see.. good luck! 

----- Visit my CafeMom homepage at http://www.cafemom.com/home/yvonne37
lisar315
by on Aug. 23, 2009 at 10:04 AM

I also have seen some changes in my husband since he became a CO about 3 years ago. He has become more cynical. 

untitledSouther...
http://www.cafemom.com/group/Wivesoflawenforcement
http://www.cafemom.com/group/Dixies_Mamas

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