Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Trying to see the bright side!

Posted by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 2:57 PM
  • 5 Replies
1 mom liked this

So my husband and I are separating, which is a really sad and depressing situation for me. We're still really close, and we have a great friendship, but the stress of everything in life is just too much for him and it's starting to affect how he feels about me. He feels trapped, as our daughter was not a planned pregnancy but he knew I wanted a baby and he just wasn't ready so he holds resentment about that. He's no longer in love with me the way he was, and to be honest I really don't blame him. I've become complacent, I don't do any of the things I used to do anymore, I don't work out anymore, I don't have fun, I don't have any goals, etc. I've settled into my role as a mom, and while taking care of my daughter is the most important thing in my life, it's not the only important thing. I am still breastfeeding, which takes a huge chunk out of my life, and I guess i've always just put everything off until she's older. It's become too much for my husband, and he doesn't want to do it anymore.

I suggested counseling, but he feels that it would just put a bandaid over the situation and in order to find out if we can really work it out, we need to spend some time apart and find ourselves as individuals again. We lost who we are as people and he hates being unhappy with who he's become as well. We stay together because we have to stay together, not because we necessarily want to, and that bothers him. He wants to be able to say with certainty that he's married to me because he can't be without me, and the only way to know that for sure is to have the freedom to make that choice. And while it's a little immature in my opinion, I can see where he's coming from. At the end of the day, I can't force him to be with me so at least he hasn't closed the door on us completely.

We decided to separate and give our marriage space and distance in order to preserve the positive atmosphere for our daugther, who just turned one. He'll still be there all the time to visit with her, and I have no doubt in my mind that he will continue to take care of her and me (paying child support, etc.) but he doesn't feel attracted to the woman I've become. And it's not necessarily just physical, because he still thinks I'm beautiful and sexy, it's more the lazy person I've become in terms of what I want out of life. I'm in school and I get good grades, and I keep our home as clean as I can, but he's right.. I have no drive to be an individual outside of motherhood. Honestly, I'm really depressed about it, but in a weird way it's been a lot better for me lately. I've always been an emotional eater, and being complacent like I have been this past year has not really helped me to get any weight off. I always felt left out because after putting all of his energy towards work and our daugther, I never really got any of the "love" that I felt I deserved. It left me feeling really pathetic and down about myself, and to cope with that I ate when I was bored, sad, mad, etc.

Taking a stand and deciding to move out has really empowered me to take my life into my own hands. I have been making healthier choices, not overeating, making myself a healthy smoothie full of fruits and veggies instead of swinging by McD's and getting something fatty for breakfast, etc. My mom is moving in with me to help take care of dd and I'm going to take advantage of that and set aside time for myself to do things I want to do, like exercising, running, treating myself to a movie, etc. I'm really sad to be separating as I love my husband very much and he is really a great person, but we just don't mesh well in a marriage right now and we can't be good parents to our daughter if we end up hating each other. If I'm going to be a great mom and raise her to be a strong healthy woman I need to set an example for her. It's a new year, and it's time I start taking care of myself first! So far I've lost 7 pounds this month and I plan on staying motivated and positive so I don't sit around and cry and eat away my sadness. LOL

by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 2:57 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-5):
by Suzanne on Feb. 2, 2013 at 4:38 PM

Hugs, mama!  Have you thought about seeing a counselor on your own?  Even if it won't "fix" your marriage, I think you two would benefit from going together, if only to keep things smooth if things don't work out. Being able to air how you truly feel and work through those emotions (for him as well) can help with the process, and help in moving forward.

Good luck with whatever happens next!  Keep taking care of yourself and your DD!  =)


"Don't sacrifice what you want most for what you want right now."

by Darby on Feb. 2, 2013 at 5:05 PM

Wow!  Hugs mama!  I agree with Suzanne...have you thought about seeing a therapist?  That might help both of you separately.  Good luck!

by Ruby Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 5:23 PM
HUGS I agree with these ladies! The first year with a baby CAN be very rough on relasionships. Trust me I know.
I'm glad your looking at the future with your head up high momma! GL
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 5:32 PM

 So sorry to hear. But, wish you only the best during this trying time in your life.  Sounds like you have a plan and support from your family.  Dig deep...remember to breathe and hang in there! Smiles are just around the corner!

by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 5:58 PM

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but it's really great that you're using it to improve yourself.  I wish you all the luck in the world for you and for your marriage!

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)