hi, my name is cheyanne. i live in southern california (riverside) i am 21 years old. i really havent came into this group, but ive been a member for some time now. i want to lose weight. but something is holding me back from trying. i have two children, ds will be 3 in october, and dd who will be 1 in november.
i am aproximately 210 pounds right now, i am 5'3". i feel so ugly. i feel so good in something and then i look in the mirror again and see how i really look and i just feel ugly again. i want to lose 50 lbs at least, if i can be 160 lbs that would be amazing. that was my pre pregnancy weight before i got pregnant with my son. but even then i was trying to loose weight. i knew i was over weight and i wanted to be at the weight that was right for my body. ideally i would like to be at 120-130. shoot 140 wouldnt be that bad.
i have all these intentions to do something about it but.. i just dont. or i start and i just stop. i feel like i have the motivation, i have the inspiration, im lacking drive. it also makes it harder that we live with my in laws and my mil is the one who cooks. i cook occasionally but she loves to cook for her family (shes mexican so can you imagine what we eat a lot of...). by the time we are done paying our bills and rent (rent is weekly) and buy everything we need for the kids and household.. we dont have much to buy household groceries. (in laws are great with this please no bashing).
i think deep down i feel a bit scared. whats going to happen if i do loose all this weight. i am a dd cup right now, i have always had big boobs. they are me. even when i was a skinny minnie. i had big boobs. im scared that loosing weight i will loose my boobs. im scared i will be flabby. i havent been able to wear a bikini since.. the summer after 7th grade because my boobs were too big for my parents to be comfortable with me and my age and boob size. i want so bad to be able to wear a two piece again. you know a correctly fitting bikini of some sort. but im scared that i will be flabby and i still wont look good. its so cal i want to be comfortable at the beach again!
making plans about going to the beach makes me want to cry because i have nothing to wear. i get so self cautious. going clothes shopping actually brings me to tears, i hadnt worn an actual pair of jeans since january 2011 when i was pregnant with my son. i didnt know my jean size and didnt want to know how big of a size i needed.. just a couple months ago around easter i was suprised by my bf with a couple pairs of jeans because i was finally down to a size 18. but i feel like i have gained weight because my pants arent fitting like they used to.
i dont know what to do. i hate my body and even though my bf loves me and my body he tells me i need to do something about my weight because im so miserable about it. i critisize myself all the time and he is saying that i do so so much that he is starting to see what i am saying. i used to be so confidant with myself. now i have like no self confidance... im a mess.