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Need some help to pull me off the edge (my mind can be a scary place)

Posted by on Jul. 8, 2011 at 3:11 PM
  • 13 Replies

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and we have three of the most beautiful and amazing children. Lately, we have been having problems. I have posted in another group about what has been going on, but to make a very long story short, it involved me always feeling like I wasn't good enough or that he was going to find someone else, or have an affair. I know that sounds crazy, but I had been in an abusive relationship before I met my husband, and there was still a lot of crap I carried around from it. Anyway, things have very slowly (and I mean VERY slowly) getting better. Things are not 100% back to normal by any means, but he will kiss me again, and tell me he loves me. He will talk to me (something he wasn't really doing when he was so angry) and we have been intimate again; a lot actually. I have asked him if we are okay, and he tells me yes, so I have to stop the tapes in my head and believe him. Anyway, last night we were talking about previous relationships. I guess that isn't ever too good of an idea, but we now live in the state that he used to live in when he went to college before we ever met. He mentioned that it would be weird running into someone he dated 16+ years ago. We laughed about it and stayed up until 2 this morning just talking. I kind of started joking about the different girls he had dated when he was younger because several of them happened to be the same astrological sign as me (I am a Scorpio, and we do tend to be jealous) I said very jokingly "all of the previous scorpios you dated should have prepared you". His response to me was ' yeah, I should have run in the opposite direction." Then he made other comments like he likes girls who are 'spit fires' not in past tense but in present terms. I don't know if this was a test to see if I was going to react or ask a stupid question, or if he was just taking. If things weren't tense between us I don't think I would be thinking the way that I am. 


I am really trying to change and let go of the things I have carried around with me inside my head for so long. I also know that if he wanted to leave he would, and if we weren't okay, he wouldn't have said we are, but I still don't feel connected to him like I used to and that scares me, so I know I am reading into things and more than likely seeing things that aren't there. He did call me 'honey' several times last night which was something he had stopped doing completely when he was so angry with me these past few weeks. I just don't know what to think. Like I said can someone talk me down off the edge, because my mind is a scary place at times. 

by on Jul. 8, 2011 at 3:11 PM
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Replies (1-10):
usmclife58
by on Jul. 8, 2011 at 4:27 PM

Welcome!!

Everything is going to make you sensetive when you are rebuilding a relationship. And sometimes guys don't think about what they are saying- or how it can be taken. I've been there. Just enjoy the happy times, and try not to think too much about things. ((hugs))

PEEK05
by on Jul. 8, 2011 at 4:30 PM

I think maybe he meant he should have run in the other direction from THEM as individuals, not as the sign. I'm not sure mama. I would try to let it go.


Mary229
by on Jul. 8, 2011 at 4:31 PM


Quoting LovebeingMom09:

last night we were talking about previous relationships. I guess that isn't ever too good of an idea,

This statement made me pause.  Why would you think that it is not a good idea to talk about past relationships?  My personal feeling is that full disclosure is a very helpful thing in a relationship.  It is our past experiences that shape us into the people that we are today.  So talking about those past experiences and the people that were a part of them is a good way to help your current partner understand your feelings and why you react to things the way that you do.  If approached from that angle, it can be helpful in allowing you to grow closer to the one that you love.

You also mentioned that you were 'jokingly' asking about his previous girlfriends and how they should have prepared him for you.  Were you really joking around at the time?  If so, then I would take his comment about running in the opposite direction as a joke.  And as for the 'spit fire' comment, are you a spit fire?  Perhaps that was his way of trying to say that he likes you the way you are.

Without having been privy to the actual conversation, it is difficult to interpret how to read into such things.  Tone, inflection, facial expression, and demeanor can all play a large role in the meaning of words.  But the fact that he was calling you 'honey' and genuinely having a conversation where you felt connected with him leads me to believe that his comments were innocent enough.  Kuddos to you for working on helping yourself to change.  I hope that your relationship with your husband is open enough that you can tell him what you are trying to do and why, and allow him to help you with it so that when you do have insecurities you can explain them to him and come to him for reassurance.

LovebeingMom09
by on Jul. 8, 2011 at 5:40 PM

Thank you all for your comments; I am really trying to let this go, but my anxiety gets the best of me at times and I get very upset. Things aren't like they were before, and that hurts so much. I miss him and the way we used to be with each other, and it is killing me. I just don't know what to do. 

TheJerseyGirl
by on Jul. 8, 2011 at 5:45 PM

 You need to stop reading into things so much...I think he was just having a good time talking to you and meant nothing by his comments...at least not what you think.

It sounds like you have a perfectly happy marriage..I've been married almost 19 years so I know we seem to lose the spark a bit and wonder if things are okay. He's with you...not them...Exes are exes for a good reason!

TheJerseyGirl
by on Jul. 8, 2011 at 5:45 PM

 Its hard to make things the way they were 15 years ago!

Quoting LovebeingMom09:

Thank you all for your comments; I am really trying to let this go, but my anxiety gets the best of me at times and I get very upset. Things aren't like they were before, and that hurts so much. I miss him and the way we used to be with each other, and it is killing me. I just don't know what to do. 

 

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CoeyG
by on Jul. 8, 2011 at 6:02 PM

I believe thatyou need some kind of counseling.  You take a simple statement that your husband likes spitfires and try to figur out if he means other women.  That has nothing to do with astrological signs.  You don't trust him and that mistrust is eventually going to kill your marriage...Yes you need help

LovebeingMom09
by on Jul. 12, 2011 at 9:56 PM

CoeyG, WOW, thanks for the "advice". I think you might have needed to read my entire post, or at least some of my previous ones. We are having issues and have had issues in the past 15 years that have caused me to think this way. So before you rush to judgement on me, or telling me I need help, read some of my previous posts (I even stated this in my original post regarding this). I may need "help" but you need to learn either how to spell, or try the spell check feature on the site. 

LovebeingMom09
by on Jul. 12, 2011 at 9:57 PM

Jersey Girl. 

 

Thanks, for the help and vote of confidence. Things are a lot better now, we have been able to work through a lot. I appreciate all of the constructive advice and help!

 

TheJerseyGirl
by on Jul. 12, 2011 at 10:26 PM

 I think that's wonderful! Marriage is a lot of work and I know some of us have to work harder than others for it to be a success. I know many couples stop talking and just live out their lives that way...I'm glad you decided to talk about it instead of letting it get to you!

Good luck!  =)

Quoting LovebeingMom09:

Jersey Girl. 

 

Thanks, for the help and vote of confidence. Things are a lot better now, we have been able to work through a lot. I appreciate all of the constructive advice and help!

 

 

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