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The Park Bench The Park Bench

I'm adopted and venting a little I guess

Posted by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:39 PM
  • 17 Replies
3 moms liked this

I am adopted, it happened 50 years ago but still fascinates people despite the fact I forget about it unless someone else brings it up.  I would like to know if anybody here has ever adopted a baby and then birthed a baby, and did you feel differently because one was genetically yours? I was adopted at birth, I always felt completely loved and never felt it mattered. Do adoptive parents ever "forget" the child is adopted and it's just their child, because I don't think people who don't adopt think so.

The other day my husband commented that an African American adopted by white parents he knows, called them mom and dad, just like I called my parents mom and dad. WTH? Why are we different than he and his parents? They ARE mom and dad!  I know it is pure ignorance on his part, he wasn't being mean, just clueless like people I've run into my whole life. I've known people who had family members with adopted kids and they always have to tell people "They adopted him, you know......" Being adopted was just never a topic in my house and I never felt less loved or like a charity case or shorted.  Oh, and I found my birth family due to curiosity and medical reasons. My birth mother and I kept in touch a little until she passed away.   I respected what she did for me because I've had the greatest life, but I never felt any bond with her just because we were blood related. My mother was the woman who raised me.

by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:39 PM
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Replies (1-10):
bebe_ju-rah
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:47 PM
My mom was adopted. Actually, my grandparents were foster parents bc they couldn't have kids of their own. Out of the numerous kids they fostered over the years, they adopted 4, my mom, Uncle David (born with a cleft lip and palet), Uncle Bob (born addicted to drugs), Uncle Steven (a child from a mixed race rape case) and Uncle Frankie who went into foster care at 14 years old. All but my mom would have never been adopted otherwise back in the late 50's, early 60's. My mother never questioned who her real parents were and I always thought that was strange...until I had children of my own. My grandma and grandpa are just that. They are my family, regardless of blood and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world!
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onethentwins
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 3:30 PM

The ignorance around adoption is astounding. Not only do some people think that Adoptive parents don't love their adopted children as much as they would love children the birthed, they also think that birth mothers don't love the children they relinquished as much as the one's they raised, Or that adopted people can't love more than one set of parents. Sometimes you just have to be in a group with people who get it. 

hugs

mstef99
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 7:26 PM

 My dh was adopted, I never knew it until we sent out wedding invites and his bio family wrote us a nasty letter because they weren't invited (as I said I wasn't aware)... his bio dad gave him up and his mom remarried and new hubby adopted him as a baby... anyhow to us we never think about it but it's good for a laugh now and then when I can say I have 2 MIL's, LOL

lovegrandbaby
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 10:24 PM

Unless someone has been in your shoes, they don't comprehend.  Just like for my dh and I  - we adopted my oldest grandson.  People don't understand that, especially since dd had more children.  I so want to tell people it's none of their business the reasons behind it.  My boy knows we are his bio grandparents, and we have always told him he can call us mom/dad, grandma/grandpa, whatever.  Some family has an issue with that but too bad for them.  It's been a struggle sometimes, but he loves us and we love him and that's all that matters IMO

adopteeme
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 7:12 AM
I'm right there with you in age OP.
It always bothered me to be reminded I was adopted when I least expected it. Like when going to as a simple routine dental appt for a checkup and cleaning and they ask the dreaded question on their intake forms. Medical history? Oh that's right. My State enforces that I'm not privy to that info.

It caught me off guard when my kids came home with homework on where did their eye color come from. And when they wanted to earn a Scouting badge for doing genealogy.
My kids and surviving family will be reminded at the event of my death when the undertaker asks them for details of my birth (date, location, and 'parents').
Reminders that we are different than non adoptees suck.
1985Supersport
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:30 AM

girl giving flower

Exactly!  I'm adopted an have a sister who's older than I an also adopted!  She found her birth family an it's a sore subject of the way she's treating "mom".  While growing up, I resented being adopted cause I didn't think it was fair to be given away from the blood family who birth me.  But, through the years,  I wouldn't trade my life for anything.  My parents are farmers an they did the best the could since I had Epilepsy from 6 days after birth till I was 12.  But, that's not the subject here.  Medical reasons, I too, tried to locate my birth family.  But, after seeing what my sister (she calls me the "other one" now!) has done to my mom...I have no desire to find any of them.  They AREN'T my family, sure I was given up for adoption (an adopted 3 days later) but, they just AREN'T mom & dad. My parents also have 2 children of their own an we are treated no different than if we were blood.

Bertieb
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:14 PM

I had an uncle who did a family tree and left me and my sister off because we were adopted. My mom was quite unhappy with him! My sister is very bitter about being put up for adoption still, even in her 40's and has no desire to ever find those people. She has such anger issues she would probably go off on them! As far as history is concerned with kids, when my kids had that geneaology stuff come up I just used my adopted families history (even though my kids know I was adopted- they may not remember now even). I figure who really knows what all went on with past generations!

nermall1102
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 12:13 AM
I am adopted and im so very blessed that i am. I know my bio family and honestly want nothing to do with them. I have adopted and raised ten children. Four of them were brought to me bc they needed a loving home etc. One sister and five cousins. All of them close in age. Oldest two are 24 and youngest two will be twenty this yr. And three granbabies. I have one daughter who is seven that i had myself and a baby due in april. I love them all the same. In my eyes they r a gift from God. When my youngest daughter has to do a family tree the adopted family is in the tree not the bio. When my other children were school age we did the same with the family trees. I was 16when i was immancipated and had guardianship of my sister and it went on from there. Family is who loves you and raises you. Families are made up in all different ways and its frustrating when ppl just dont grasp the importance of family no matter what.
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adopteeme
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 5:04 AM
Quoting Bertieb:

I had an uncle who did a family tree and left me and my sister off because we were adopted. My mom was quite unhappy with him! My sister is very bitter about being put up for adoption still, even in her 40's and has no desire to ever find those people. She has such anger issues she would probably go off on them! As far as history is concerned with kids, when my kids had that geneaology stuff come up I just used my adopted families history (even though my kids know I was adopted- they may not remember now even). I figure who really knows what all went on with past generations!




Oh I've used the afamily for everything too. Family trees, fudged the where did you get eye color report in school using them, and I've even used their family medical background for my own at times. I just didn't want to go there at the doctors office writing ? Don't know -adopted.
Dumb I know- but I guess I thought FALSE medical background couldn't be any worse than NONE right? On the positive- it sure is quicker to just write ?? than write out the whole history like everyone one else lol

But when it came to my kids, something changed for me. I had lived my whole life with getting by using afamily details of health, and kinship. My oldest son challenged me doing the family tree homework. He said this isn't true, Mom, because your adopted. So we compromised by adding a 2nd blank line to each of my ancestors. Then, my dd was hospitalized. When they let me back to see her she had tubes and lines all over her....every mothers nightmare seeing your kid like that!
And then the clipboard came at me. Medical background. I would have done anything and everything to help my daughter get well. I felt helpless and even guilty that *my* adoption had touched my children.
snuggiewoogie
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 7:21 AM

 My husband was adopted he tried to find his real parents and he opened up a can of worms. He considers his adopted mom his mother...........

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