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When I want to fall apart, I can't, have to be a strong mommy for my son.

Posted by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 11:06 PM
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When a terminally sick loved one starts to decline they really start declining. It's fast and without notice.


One day they get this burst of wind and energy. Just like their old selves. This wind is deception though. In truth it could be their last before the final countdown. This is what the doctors don't tell you. That this final burst of energy is only the beginning of the end. Instead of telling you the truth, they let you hang on to hope with all your might. Thinking, just maybe, just maybe.


Reality sits in today. My very special loved one (This person has not yet announced things to everyone, so to keep from spilling the beans, or causing family drama, I will say loved one for now, until they tell the rest of the family first), is about to tank out on us.


There's an infection brewing in her lungs. On top of that she is having multi organ failure. Kidneys are going, and now she's hooked up to that machine, her liver is apparently at 50%. Reality sits in more. 


Standing in a hall way, I learn this. Standing in a hallway holding my 5 month old child, I realize this loved one, may not make it to see him turn 1, she'll be lucky to see him hit 6 months at the end of the month.


As I sat quietly on the drive home; pain, frustration, anger, sadness all roars inside me. My husband desperately trying to find the right words of wisdom and comfort, I slip in and out of consciousness. I barely know my child in the back seat jabbering, and playing to himself. 


One right after another, a wave of shock, followed by disbelief, followed by sadness, then anger, then frustration. One by one, they rip through me. One by one, I fear the most. I fear, any day now, I will get THAT call. One by one, They send tears, of all sorts.


I have heard that when you are dying, you see your life flash before you eyes. However what they don't tell you is that your loved ones, lives with you flash before their lives. 


I start seeing my earliest memories with this loved one. I start remembering Christmas's of childhood passed. I'm filled with Ghost, of should have's, could have's, and want to's. Is this really the end? This can't be happening. No, no, someone pinch me, wake me up, and let me know it was just a really bad dream.


The shock starts to wear off a little bit. Then open the gates here it comes. What am I mourning for? She hasn't passed yet? There's still hope still! Right? It isn't over until the fat lady sings, and she hasn't yet! But yet, I'm mourning. I sit here thinking, to myself, "Why me God. Why her? Why does Jayden not get to know the ONE "G" that wants to know him and love him, and be there in his life? Why not So and so, who could give two cents about him?" 


I find myself bargaining with God. I find myself trying to make a deal with God, so that he doesn't take her. "Take me instead" is what I want to say. However, I don't. Because it would be far worse to leave my husband alone in this world with out son, and my son without a mother. "What can I give you God, to leave her be, until a ripe old age?" 


Are these words falling onto deaf ears? Impossible, I know He is there. He is everywhere. I know He is listening to me, but why wont He answer me?


Is this just a preparation for whats to come in the end? Or is it the real deal? Is it just a low? How am I suppose to know?


Instead, I sit here. Waiting, patiently. Waiting. What else can I do.


I wanna feel numb, but I can't. I have a husband who needs his wife, and a child who needs his mommy. So what do I do? What else can I do?


I start to think, am I going to be okay? Is it going to be painful for her? How can I stop it? How can I make her okay? How can I comfort her? How is this fair? 


Indeed, I sit here, after feeding my son, pushing around some food on my dinner plate, I play with him, and watch him play a tad bit. I sit here after bathing him, folding all the laundry and doing the dishes,  I sit here after laying him peacefully in bed. I just sit here and wonder.... Why us God? Why now? Why?


It's hard not to think about the future, when the future may not exist. It's hard not to cram as much time into a small amount of time, when time may stop.


Please God, Please, hear my prayer. Not yet. Just give us a little more time. Please, Not yet. 


That's what is on my heart today. Have a good night.


So what did my husband end up doing. Just let me cry, right into his shoulder, hold me, and love on me as best as he can do. He went right through the emotions with me. What a great man he is. He also took over daddy mode full force tonight to let me grieve. 


                                         

                                  

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by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 11:06 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mommy2dallas602
by on Mar. 3, 2011 at 2:39 AM
Wow.. I am so sorry
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MooreMom523
by on Mar. 3, 2011 at 12:06 PM

:(

MomToovey
by Marianne - Admin on Mar. 3, 2011 at 1:53 PM

 I am so sorry

Mommy102710
by on Mar. 3, 2011 at 2:01 PM

Oh Momma....my heart is aching for you. I just cried my eyes out reading this because I went through it.....I have felt your pain, I have felt your anger, your emptiness, your over whelming feelings of emotions that change from second to second never mind minute to minute or day to  day. Ten years ago I went through this and it still cuts like a knife and it still sits deep in my heart. I was 22 when I saw my dad fade away from me....9 months of saying good bye. I didn't have children, but I knew he would never walk me down the isle, I knew that he would never see his grandchildren. I felt empty on my wedding day, I felt a peice of me missing when I gave birth to my DD 4 mths ago.

Here is my advice.....greive, hurt, be angry, be sad, be remorseful, hate everyone, love everyone, but never stop talking about it. Never let the memory of your loved one die. I held all my emotions in and I lost my boyfriend at the time because of it, I have no regrets I would never have met my husband now and had my DD, things happen for a reason but it sounds like you have yourself quite the hubby so lean on him.....love him, talk to him, let him be there for you. You are not alone.

Be strong for your little one, you will be soooooo surprirsed where your stregnth comes from. BUT it will be there. I promise you that. It may not get easier, it never gets easier, but you WILL get stronger.

PM me if you ever need to talk. Hang in there and kiss your loved ones LOTS today!! Sending you hugs!!! LOTS of them!!

vboyde
by on Mar. 3, 2011 at 2:01 PM

I am praying for your family

katesager
by Katie on Mar. 3, 2011 at 2:18 PM

I am so sorry mama! Hugs!

mcclellanlass
by on Mar. 3, 2011 at 6:43 PM

 

Thank you ladies for all your words of encouragement, uplifting prayers. Thank you for all of your words of wisdom, and your words of kindness. I really do appreciate it.

 

Thank you for sharing your stories with me, to give me peace and relief, to let me know I'm not alone. Thank you ladies for all that you have said and shared it really does give me some peace and it is very much appreciated. 

For those I have not directly responded, I will do so, you all have touched my heart with your stories. I just am swamped as of now.

 

There is no update on my mother today. She isn't any worse, nor is she any better. I did get to have a converstation with her where she was lucid for 30 mins. So that made my day.

 

My 4 aunts, my mothers cloeset sisters, (My mother is 1 of 13, 4th to the youngest) took me out grocery shopping today. 

 

Mommy102710
by on Mar. 4, 2011 at 10:31 AM

The littlest things will make your day.....just remember one minute at a time your doing awesome momma!!!

jenniferj1978
by Member on Mar. 4, 2011 at 12:16 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about your mother! I can't say that I now how you are feeling cuz my mom is still with us so I'm not even gonna prentend to know how you are feeling, but I do know the pain of losing a loved one. Your memories will never leave you and in esence your mother will never leave you cuz she when the time comes she will become your very special guardian angel for you and your son! Cherish the time you do have with her now and remember that you aren't alone. Sounds like you have a very loving and supportive husbandand a wonderful son. Do remember that it is ok to cry and to greive. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers! Hang in there!
Tashina12
by on Mar. 4, 2011 at 1:23 PM
I am so very sorry you are going through this.. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family..
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