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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

divorce and children

Posted by on Nov. 18, 2010 at 11:37 AM
  • 7 Replies

Has going through a divorce affected you children? Was it in a good way or bad? For those who have already gone through the process, what is your advice for mamas who are currently going through one?

by on Nov. 18, 2010 at 11:37 AM
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Replies (1-7):
kathyartist2007
by on Nov. 18, 2010 at 12:57 PM

I went through a breakup that began in 2005 and culminated in our selling our home in spring of 2006. Our daughter was almost 10 at the time. It was devastating for her. She is now 14 and I think that some of the issues she is going through right now are a result of that. I was the one to leave the relationship and I feel terrible guilt over it because it hurt her so much. Even though my life and my ex's life have turned out better (we are both happily married to other people now) I feel that perhaps waiting until my daughter was more mature would have been better for her.

I left my ex because I wasn't in love and was not happy and just couldn't take it anymore. When I look back on it, I think I was selfish and had no idea how much it would hurt my daughter. 

jenbscott
by on Nov. 18, 2010 at 2:24 PM
I always thought that a child cannot possibly be happy if his/her parents are not. That being together just for the children isn't a good enough reason to stay together.

Looking back at you situation, do you think that that's selfish thinking?

My dad left my mom for good when I was 12. Although that hurt me at the time(and I did act out) I realize now yhat it would have hurt me more if they stayed together. My father had several women on the side and my mother was always crying. Women would always call our house for him. She was so happy when he left. She was a different person, a better person. I struggled with their seperation for a long time. Especially in my teenage years. But, like I said, now that I'm older, it was for the best...
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kathyartist2007
by on Nov. 18, 2010 at 2:56 PM

It is hard to say how my daughter will view the breakup after she grows up. All I know is that it cost me my relationship with her right now as she seems so depressed and angry a lot of the time. She never says it directly and I don't think she really knows why she feels this way. My ex and I had a stable relationship in most respects. My ex was way more dominant than me and I felt I was always on the sidelines having very little control over family matters. But my ex wasn't cruel or mean. I was simply not happy in that relationship and started imagine being out of it. I went through a "mid-life" crisis at 48 and knew that I didn't want to be in that relationship anymore and was afraid if I waited a few more years, I'd be too old to find anyone else.

My ex was so angry at me for leaving and said horrible things about me to our daughter. I believe my daughter feels I destroyed our family and abandoned my ex. She never talks about it and I figure when she is older, I will reveal more to her about things that are age appropriate. But for now, she is uncomfortable talking about the breakup. To her, life was happier when we were all together. Now, she has 2 households and 2 lives. My husband is great with her and she does like him. But the fractured nature now of 2 families is a difficult burden for her.

ShannaBee
by on Nov. 18, 2010 at 5:13 PM
I am not divorced but DH does have a son with an ex girlfriend. Their son is affected by the back and forth games going on.
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ronynsmama
by on Nov. 19, 2010 at 1:19 PM
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I don't know if you'd call it lucky that my daughter was 9 months old when I divorced her father. She didn't really go through anything when we divorced, but the fallout of it is hitting now that she's 2. Her father doesn't see her often and has fathered a half brother with someone else. He pays his child support but his visits are infrequent and short. She loves my boyfriend but lately she thinks everyone who's tall, thin, and wears glasses is "daddy". She even thinks Stephen Colbert is her daddy. The best advice I can give is this: you're always going to think that you're making a mistake, no matter what you do. There will be times when your guilt gets the better of you. But ask yourself if you did everything you could to save your marriage and if the fight is really worth your kids seeing Mommy and Daddy tear each other apart.  You can only do your best, and if it's not enough you should move on. Your kids will be better off for it.

orange4agua72
by on Nov. 19, 2010 at 1:23 PM

 I'm not TECHNICALLY divorced, but my ex boyfriend and I were together for 4 years and had 3 kiddos together, so I tend to think of it that way.

I dispise him, he's a horrible abusive DEADBEAT human being... BUT I don't let the girls know I think that. He HOWEVER makes it VERY clear that he doesn't like me and HATES my husband. They come home from his house after just 4 hours and REAK of cigarettes and just CRAP and they act differently... I feel HORRIBLE for them, but there's NOTHING I can do.

cnice1976
by on Nov. 20, 2010 at 2:32 AM

 My children seemed to adjust pretty well. We share 50/50 custody though, so that makes a big difference in their lives, I think. I also think that I have learned to be a better mother since the divorce, of course, now I have a lot more time to spend with them, since my SO makes enough money to where I can be a SAHM. My advice is to be the best mommy you can be! Let them know ALL the time how much you love them, and care about them....no matter what! Answer their questions truthfully, keep your hateful opinions of you soon-to-be ex to yourself. Let them know that it's NOT their fault in any way, shape, or form!

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