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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Okay. About a few months ago my husband gave me an ultimatum. Find a better paying job or he was gonna kick me out at the first of the year. After a few weeks (cuz I couldn't have sex with him for obvious reasons) he said he would take it off the table if I promised to look hard for a job. I said yeah cuz now he has me miffed about giving me the choice. Well I found a better job with more money AND keeping the job I have now. I did some schooling online last year and didn't finish and was close to getting my Associates. NOW he wants me to get my transcripts and apply to another one to finsh at least the Associates degree. I can't afford my payments for student loans and the school is holding them. Can't tell him, long story. He said the only way (in my way basically) to get me "motivated" is the threaten me with divorce. He said I had to prove to him that I care and want to be here by finding a new job. Now I feel like saying I have a new job and say adios to him. I'm not sure if it's anger drivin but I jsut want to say see ya and I got that job for me and my 3 boys and leaving him anyway. IDK I want to but very scared to try and make it on my own. Any suggestions?

by on Nov. 22, 2010 at 12:21 AM
Replies (21-26):
possummom
by on Nov. 26, 2010 at 5:29 PM

call his bluff. he wants to sit there and threaten divorce.....let him file. or beat him to the punch and you file first. make sure you file for full custody.

                 prochoice.gif pro choice image by EarthChild1130

prettygirl326
by Bronze Member on Nov. 26, 2010 at 6:45 PM
Uh i would leave him. Sorry. Threatening to divorce because of something like that is going to far. You have the means to make it on your won now. Leave that asshole. He could at least try to find a better paying job, or suggest you all downsize your standards of living or something. Come on! Divorce should never be an option. Whatever happend to for richer or for poorer in a marriage. The both of you can work out finances together..... Hmmm so sorry he is putting you through that.
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Pst2
by on Nov. 26, 2010 at 10:03 PM

 Have you tried counsiling? If it is past that then pay attention, GOING OUT ON YOUR OWN IS SCARY. BUT YOU CAN DO IT. IT MIGHT BE A CHALLENGE, BUT I BET ANYTHING YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH. Make sure you start surrounding yourself with people that will support you emotionally. I am palnning on leaving my husband soon sue to problems that even going to counsiling have not been fixed. I am just as scared but I have a large support group just waiting to jump in and help me. I will pray for you and hope you can figure out what is best for you soon. Also talk to your kids and find out what they have to say.

prettygirl326
by Bronze Member on Nov. 26, 2010 at 11:13 PM

 Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is start over...I mean, he sounds like an ass....and not one of those types who do little annoying things maybe 30% of time and is good every other time, he seems like he wants out! I am sorry, all of that...I want you to find a better job or I am divorcing sounds like a eazy way to say "I really need a reason to leave you!" I mean, if he really wanted it to work, it will work out with the two of you working at it together. So you say you got a better paying job now and in fact are working two jobs...ok, for one, he is being selfish and inconsiderate to your kids for making you work so much... and two, you still have major issues with him respecting you and hurting you....so obviously it's not about money. I really think you need to demand that he cuts the BS and tell you what he really wants out of this marriage....please don't be one of those women who end up getting hurt time and time again, dragging your kids in it just because you are scared to be alone. I know it's hard and scary, but you will have no choice if this continues...because he just may leave you all alone anyways!

Quoting MSUDawgMom:

Hi Ladies,

My first post here and after reading so many threads, I related to some, and some I had the best advice ... GET OUT!  So why am I struggling with taking my own advice ?

Quick history,

Together 7 years, married 4. Him : 53 y/o airline pilot  Me: 47 y/o Paramedic for years til we moved internationally to Dubai 2 years ago. I fell back on real estate and have worked part time since then. The majority of the time, we're having a blast. 

Pros:  Living in Dubai, we are empty nested and have met wonderful friends, having the experience of a life time ! Live in a resort area with the beach, swimming pools, yacht club, marina and the weather is sunny and warm every day. His schedule permits us to spend alot of time together and occasionally I get to accompany him to other places such as Bahrain. Only responsibilities are the cats and keeping up with my college kids and making sure they are ok and taken care of while we're living over here. I can fly home often.  I ABSOLUTELY LOVE LIVING HERE !!!!

Cons: Living away from my kids * HUGE CON*, I've lost alot of independence as the bank accounts here are in his name only ( i'm still on a visit visa), I am not working fulltime where i used to and had my own money etc. Jobs as a Paramedic here are NOTHING like they are in the US, If i do take fulltime job, I won't be able to fly home except once a year. No way I can go 11 months without being able to go home.

We've had a couple of good knock down drag out arguments where both of us were ugly to each other and I can't just jump in the car and go stay with family. So.. here was my view on things after some very good advice from a couple of smart women here with Psych education and training after the following happened.

After busting him out on lying to me about porn twice, I left and stayed at a hotel. It happened again and I knew I had 2 choices after the fight we had.  1)  Leave and move back home. or  2) Decide to ignore the crap he's doing ( they are gonna do it anyway). It wasn't about the porn, i'm all for it and we share it together but I DESPIZE!! him lying to me about it because he doesn't have to. Anyway, I chose to live here and continue having a great time here, great weather, beautiful home on the water, fantastic friends, very peaceful country with no guns, no drugs, no violence. In a nutshell, after talking to a couple of fantastic girl friends, I decided to hell with him.  I can't change him, I am gonna work on ME :) It became about concentrating on myself and if i had doubts about anything he may have been doing or not doing, it was HIS problem. Once he saw that in me again ( I have always been a sassy strong woman)   I have been happy and we have been doing great.

Until yesterday...

While at the mall, i went to the dressing room to try on tops. Both rooms were occupied, i walked out and saw my husband watching the young girl who worked in the store. Hey, all men and some women notice a pretty girl.. its natural. But when he nearly broke his neck following her every move it just really hurt! I thought.. ya know what.. he has enough time away from home to look at whatever he wants, but dammit i'm tired of him doing it when he's with ME! ( I am sure me turning 47 a few days ago hasn't helped matters lol )  So, I put the tops down, said I was ready to go. He of course did the male thing of " whats wrong" ( I knew he was setting up his denial stance) I told him he knew damn good and well. Anyway.. we leave the mall. I told him it was very disprectful for him to do that and I didn't like it one bit. I was tired of it going on when he's with me. It is one thing to look at a girl when one is passing you or walking by you but to blatently make eye contact with her, she smiles and he is turning his head to continue watching her I was ready to scratch his eyes out. So we get in the car and man i felt like my heart was in my stomach. it just hit me like a ton of bricks. It really hurt.  Well I told him it hurt,  HIS REPLY:  every man does it, there is nothing wrong with it and just because he looks doesn't mean he's gonna take her home. MY REPLY: well if your doing something that hurts your wife, then there IS something wrong with it and I don't appreciate the disrespect.  He came back with asking me whats for dinner. I told him ask the girl in the mall. let her cook for ya!  So we start driving home, tears were running down my cheeks. He became a real ass!  He was trying every trigger to get my response and i refused. I told him I didn't want to talk about it right now and to leave me alone.  Ohh he said so many hurtful things. He tried the emotional blackmail game with me. He said I was ruining his thanksgiving, you name it, he said it. It only hurt me more and I cried harder.  I recorded alot of it via my cell phone. I just couldn't see how he could keep doing it and not realize how much it was hurting me.  He said " If you were that hurt, you would be talking to me"  it just got worse.  Then he insisited on us following thru with the plans we had made prior to all this and i told him to drive me home. He not only refused, but he went and ran to the other store anyway and when I wouldn't go in, he got nasty with me and went in anyway. I was crying so hard. I thought to myself, this is LOVE ? It was emotional abuse and WTH was I going to do ? He's pulled this before and I would tell him to FO or start fighting with him, but when I did, then " I " became the bad guy. So this time, I didn't do it, I stuck to my guns and didnt put out the first cuss word. I just cried. We finally got home and i was literally sick to my stomach. I grabbed a bag and called my gf and I was headed to her house.  I went outside to have watchman get me a taxi, he followed me out, told the watchman don't get me a taxi or he would have him fired.  He insisted I go back in the house and us continue our " plans" I winded up getting the taxi. I left and came back this morning to pack my suitcases and fly back to the States. 

I Don't want to move back.  We have been to counseling before and it was never completed . partially because after 2 or 3 sessions, we were too happy and back inlove so we didnt go back. And the wonderful things that I did learn in counseling, when applied, he would tell me to stop using that psycho babble.  he has been told by more than 1 counselor to back off. When we're in an argument, to take his corner and leave me alone and  we go back to it later after we have cooled off. He wont do it.  he badgers me, follows me from room to room. Basically, he's not changing. So of course logic says.. LEAVE, HE WONT CHANGE, MOVE ON, YOU WILL BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.  Then my heart says.. but we do love each other very much ( our friends all say that as well) my heart says.. he is doing this out of anger for me becoming the mother voice and scolding the little boy for what he did.  My heart says.. but you're having a wonderful time living here and so just bite the bullet, get him back in the pocket book because " girls you know you are laughing when i say this"  each time he's a bad boy, mama gets a nice gift, trip or better yet.... he decides to send the kids more money.  They are my kids and he treats them as his own.

THE REASONS I DONT WANT TO LEAVE:

I still want this marriage to work. I don't want to divorce, start over.

I want to grow old together and I want us to have Chapter 3 ( grandkids) to spoil together

I don't want anyone else to have him ( STUPID I KNOW ) but I can't help how I feel. I would want to stay here but I think I would die to see him with someone else or to know he replaced me. And i'm certain he would with a quickness.. and I'm certain she would be 1/2  his age or less and a submissive little servant to him because she will want her ticket to american citizenship and have an " airline pilot" husband. they are a dime a dozen out here girls. 

I can't say " what do i do " .. I just want to hear opinions I guess and see the best way to get thru this. I know I'm the only one that can make that decision. Am I crazy for staying ? I do have the option of letting him think i'm leaving him as I was headed stateside anyway for my sons graduation and then xmas.  What to do ???

 

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Randomzan
by on Nov. 27, 2010 at 4:22 PM
There are people trying to get any job they can get their hands on and he wants you to get a "better" one? At least you have one! Geesh. And talk about conditional love :p
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MommyLowry
by on Nov. 30, 2010 at 1:44 PM

If you have a job that can provide for you & your boys, go for it. No man should be giving you ultimatums like that & holding divorce over your head. That's just crazy. I would leave.

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