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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Getting over an affair......

Posted by on Dec. 7, 2010 at 2:59 PM
  • 20 Replies

I am not sure how or where to start because I am new to this Forum stuff....here goes.  I have been married for 9 years.  We have three children together and I thought we were stronger and better now then we were when we first got married.  The last few years have been really hard on us...my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer @ the age of 47 and died from it at the age of 50.  We were a strong support team for him with Dr's visits and anything else he needed through his struggle.  I was fired from my job last January for refusing to lie for my boss to get an employee out of taking a random drug test and my husband was employed by the same company and still is.  His grandma who was more of a mother to my husband died suddenly last December from cancer that nobody knew she had.  Then in July I found out that my husband was having an affiar with my best friend.  The worst part about it is I don't know what all even happened.  All he will tell me is he told her that he had feelings for her and she said that he shouldn't.  How am I to get over this when I don't think he is being open and honest with me.  His answers are usually I don't remember what was said I am trying to forget about it.  He says that it was a huge mistake and he doesn't know why he said it because he no longer has feelings for her and he loves me and only wants to be with me.  I am tired of faking that I am ok and have told him that I need to know why it happened so that I can feel safe in knowing that it won't happen again.  He doesn't know why it happened or why he felt that way so I can get any sort of answers from him.  What do I do???  I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I am scared that it could happen again.  You all have heard the saying once a cheater always a cheater.  It is really hard to get that out of my head right now.  Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.  I don't want my husband to be viewed as a bad man.....I just want to understand him and his feelings so that we can move forward and communicate.  Since he can't seem to talk to me about anything!  Sorry I have rambled on for so long....I will try and keep them shorter in the future.

by on Dec. 7, 2010 at 2:59 PM
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Replies (1-10):
kathy067j
by on Dec. 7, 2010 at 3:22 PM

 I never got over it when he did this to me  but i did forgive him  its hard

Tiffer21
by on Dec. 7, 2010 at 3:25 PM

How long did it take you to forgive because I am struggling with it.....I think it would help if he would open up and trust me enough to communicate.

victoriaherring
by on Dec. 7, 2010 at 3:27 PM
this

Quoting kathy067j:

 I never got over it when he did this to me  but i did forgive him  its hard

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momoftwo646
by on Dec. 7, 2010 at 3:36 PM

hi how are you my name is holly and i am going through the same thing only i have been married for 4 years and i know what you mean and where you are comeing from my husband not even a week ago cheated on me and he said the same thing i am goin through the same thing we have 2 children i know that it is hard and it dosent hurt him it hurts you but one thing i have learned is to do something for you that makes you feel good about yourself and just remeber it was his stupid choice dont down yourself  for his dumn actions you deserve better myabe he will go to councilein (not spelled right) i hope everything works out and remeber its not your fault you are not to blame it was all his dumb a@@

Tiffer21
by on Dec. 7, 2010 at 3:38 PM

Thank you!  Glad to know I am not alone! :(

ShannaBee
by on Dec. 7, 2010 at 3:53 PM
You don't know the details of the affair such as whther it was physical or emotional? I don't think it's something you just get over. You can forgive but you never really get that trust back. I think the two of you need a heart to heart to bring closure on this and to decide if your marriage can recover. Both of you have to want to make it work.
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Jenn3307
by on Dec. 7, 2010 at 4:06 PM

been there.. found out about this after he threw me a surprise birthday party this March.. we are still together.. but trust me i had those excuses and some lies and eventually he finally told me and trust me from experience ... it doesnt help to not know but it doesnt help to know.. you really need counseling if your looking to work through this.. and I dont say this just to save your marriage but this is going to eat you alive if you do not act now... I never saught any help.. thought I could get through this on my own and I have now gave up all my friends and most of my family.. its a struggle to get out of the house ... if you dont take control now it will control you.  You need to find a support system and cut tyes with that girl! She apparently was not a very good friend to do this to you.. I hate that your going through this because I know exactly how bad it feels and it still hurts... there are gonna be good days and worst days... if you ever need to talk or vent .. you can always email me. 

Jenn3307
by on Dec. 7, 2010 at 4:17 PM


Quoting momoftwo646:

hi how are you my name is holly and i am going through the same thing only i have been married for 4 years and i know what you mean and where you are comeing from my husband not even a week ago cheated on me and he said the same thing i am goin through the same thing we have 2 children i know that it is hard and it dosent hurt him it hurts you but one thing i have learned is to do something for you that makes you feel good about yourself and just remeber it was his stupid choice dont down yourself  for his dumn actions you deserve better myabe he will go to councilein (not spelled right) i hope everything works out and remeber its not your fault you are not to blame it was all his dumb a@@


I have had the same thing happen.. almost a year ago... probably went on longer. My husband eventually came clean... it has taken a LONG time but I feel I am a little better at handling it.  Your husband needs to be patient and understanding of what you are going through but you also need to know that this is hard on him.  He knows how bad he has messed up and like all guys does not want to admit or come clean about his mistakes because of the pushiment he is looking to.. I've learned from mine that I get more from him when I try to example that I just want to understand.  I have finally been able to tell my husband that I love him. Period. I love him no matter the amount of mistakes he will make and I have always and will always love him but I can NOT go through this again. (for me .. to be honest.. its happened before.. )  The hardest thing about this.. is understanding that it is not your fault because you are always going to think.. well if I had be prettier, skinner, nicer, funner, etc.. but the fact is.. we are all human and we all make mistakes and part of marriage is dealing with temptation and he apparently didnt know how to deal with it and made the wrong choice and he is going to have to own up to that and take responsiblity like a real man because you DESERVE the truth.. not because it makes it easier because it wont.. the wondering is just as bad as the knowing.. hurts just the same .. if not worse. I cant tell ya'll to stay or go.. I still deal with that wondering everyday but I can say from going through this myself and doing this alone... you need to have a support system ( I dont know how to stress this more) going through this alone has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life.  I have had soooo many terrible days where everything was hopeless... I've gone through the worst emotions in my life.. I have no friends because I am quite honestly paranoid that all my other friends are the same as the one that betrayed me and I dont even wanna talk to my own family.  For me it was hard mostly because I found out through a couple text messages he forgot to delete.  He was meeting a girl that was pregnant by another guy and apparently my best friend at the time was trying to get him to leave me and move in with her at the same time.. apparently they had talked about this becasue instead of coming to me about our marriage issues he thought he could talk to my best friend since she knew me soooo well... bad idea...

I hope the best for you both.. I know how hard this really is..

a.mariemomto3
by on Dec. 7, 2010 at 4:34 PM
I too am going through a similiar situation.. my husband cheated on me this past weekend with someone he works with only she's on a different shift. I am dealing with the same kind of feelings and I don't know if I want to stay or go but I do know that my husband loves me and I do know that he is very sorry and hurt because he knows how much he hurt me. I am trying to deal with this the best way I know how.. it started by him and her texting and talking.. basically telling her what he and I was going through but I told him he should have come to me so that we could have talked about it but he chose to just act he wants us to go to counseling but I'm still not sure about it I really just want to leave because I know that if I did that it wouuld hurt him way more than him hurting me by cheating. So sweetie my heart goes out to you I really feel your pain on this I can't really give you any advice because like I said I'm dealing with it too but I will be praying for you and praying for me too. We will get through it I'm sure of it whether we stay or whether we leave. best wishes.
mrsjoy1
by on Dec. 7, 2010 at 5:52 PM
I'm gonna just say this. When you are married and there's cheating going on. It's hard to put the pieces back together. Due to the fact there is a trust issue. This issue needs to be dealt with professionally. See a counselor. You will probably forgive me but you won't forget what he did. It will always be in your mind. I suggest that if you want your marriage to work. See a counselor and he needs to come clean. Totally clean. As far as your friend is concerned. She is not your friend and never was. You need to be careful of who you let in your house and around your husband. Hope all goes well!
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