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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Getting over an affair......

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I am not sure how or where to start because I am new to this Forum stuff....here goes.  I have been married for 9 years.  We have three children together and I thought we were stronger and better now then we were when we first got married.  The last few years have been really hard on us...my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer @ the age of 47 and died from it at the age of 50.  We were a strong support team for him with Dr's visits and anything else he needed through his struggle.  I was fired from my job last January for refusing to lie for my boss to get an employee out of taking a random drug test and my husband was employed by the same company and still is.  His grandma who was more of a mother to my husband died suddenly last December from cancer that nobody knew she had.  Then in July I found out that my husband was having an affiar with my best friend.  The worst part about it is I don't know what all even happened.  All he will tell me is he told her that he had feelings for her and she said that he shouldn't.  How am I to get over this when I don't think he is being open and honest with me.  His answers are usually I don't remember what was said I am trying to forget about it.  He says that it was a huge mistake and he doesn't know why he said it because he no longer has feelings for her and he loves me and only wants to be with me.  I am tired of faking that I am ok and have told him that I need to know why it happened so that I can feel safe in knowing that it won't happen again.  He doesn't know why it happened or why he felt that way so I can get any sort of answers from him.  What do I do???  I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I am scared that it could happen again.  You all have heard the saying once a cheater always a cheater.  It is really hard to get that out of my head right now.  Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.  I don't want my husband to be viewed as a bad man.....I just want to understand him and his feelings so that we can move forward and communicate.  Since he can't seem to talk to me about anything!  Sorry I have rambled on for so long....I will try and keep them shorter in the future.

by on Dec. 7, 2010 at 2:59 PM
Replies (11-20):
momof2athome
by on Dec. 8, 2010 at 10:20 AM

Does it feel like he's just telling you what you want to hear?  It sounds like he just wants you to sweap it under the rug and get over it.  Is he just saying "yeah yeah I'm done with her" when he's not done with her?  He needs to answer for his actions whether or not it's plesent for him.  He doesn't want to suffer the consequences.  I know it's probably hard to make him do that.  He probably gets frustrated and feels like you're interrogating him, but it's the least he can suffer.

Hope you get the answers you're looking for!

Rachelbhappy
by on Dec. 8, 2010 at 10:31 AM

Ladies I went thru the same thing. I finally forgave to an extent but I will never ever forget and the bruise is there for life if you remain with the person. Our marriage is actually stronger for it. But who wants a stronger marriage by being cheated on.

We really need to find support groups for women and these kinds of things. This is an UNFAIR EPEDEMIC (i know i spelled it wrong) that is going on against women by men. Why? They have been taught that its nature for them but no one teaches them that it is wrong.

The truth is that if he really wants to stay with u and he really is sorry then he must accept your process of emotions in dealing with this "IN FULL". There is no time table that says when u must move on. Each person is different. The real truth is you never "get over" it. 
But @ some point u can find a certain peace with yourself. But that may take years and it is HARD. Hence the support groups needed.

We really need to talk daily with our men and communicate. They are not as dumb as they behave. They understand hurt and pain. But men are taught to be more "selfish " by nature and women are taught to be more "selfless" by nature. So 2 totally different minds come together as 1. Men take a lot longer to grow up and we wives pay dearly in the process.

But if we are willing to wait for a grown man to grow up, and many of us are, including myself, (HERE"S THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL) usually when they grow up they are a gift from God. They treat you absolutely wonderful. I'm @ that stage after 4 yrs of turmoil. The wait in a weird way was worth it. 

doulaunborn
by on Dec. 8, 2010 at 5:25 PM

Sorry to hear of all the havoc going on, especially at the holidays....I will keep you in my prayers...I have to remember my dad telling me...YOU CAN FORGIVE, BUT MAY NEVER FORGET......"For the sake of His Sorrowful Passion have Mercy on Us and on the whole world>" I chant that to help get me centere on Forgivensss.....especially of myself.  Hope this encourages, healing, puritiy, and forgiveness.

blessingsfrown miniangel mini

myjoy1985
by on Dec. 8, 2010 at 10:19 PM
I believe that he owes it to you to tell you everything you want to know. That way u won't be left guessing and making up crazy ideas in your head that may and may have not happened. I'm sure you find yourself thinking about it all the time. Probably can't sleep at night. And what does your "bestfriend" have to say for herself?? You can band her if she wasn't the one who confessed this to you. My opinion. But like I said you are intitaled to know everything that you wish to know. He's lucky your willing to forgive him. He oes you that much.
jenbscott
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 12:27 AM


Quoting ShannaBee:

You don't know the details of the affair such as whther it was physical or emotional? I don't think it's something you just get over. You can forgive but you never really get that trust back. I think the two of you need a heart to heart to bring closure on this and to decide if your marriage can recover. Both of you have to want to make it work.

Yes, you need closure to feel secure. If he is being so nonchalant about it with the "i don't remember" comments it makes you feel like he's still hiding something...right? he should put everything out on the table and give you the opportunity to decide if you are still willing to make it work.

Also, not only does he have to fullfill his husband duties to you, he has to MORE to gain your trust back

HUGS. I know it's tough for you right now.

Mrs.Edmunds84
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 1:15 AM

hunny i feel the same way heres my story..ell i don't really know where to begin...I met my husband in the fall of 03 and we were pregnant the beginning of 04 (i know it makes me sound like a hoe but I'm not) we moved in together and everything was fine. I had found text on the phone from this girl Nicole saying like baby bring me a piece of cake and stuff like that and he would just say it was so and so and i wont lie i believed him. in nov of 05 i went for an early thanksgiving with my dad a state away just me and my daughter cause my dh couldn't get time off. as soon as i got to ga i was gettin the phone calls saying we need to talk and all so i knew something was off. I called one night and he said that he had friends over which was a lil odd because he never hd them over but i let it go. then i got scared of everything he was saying about how we needed to talk i took off home.its supposed to be an 8 hour drive from ga to fl but i made it in 6 and a half. I Didn'T tell him i was headed home but when he learned i was he called and was like john and nicole screwed in our bed so if you find any condoms thats where they came from. i let it go ( he knew i didnt like this nicole from the get go) Well i didn't find anything and outta the blue john called and so  figured i would be nice and i invited him and nicole over for dinner. johns reply to me was why would i go anywhere with her?i said you guys have been dating for the last 3 months from what don says.he said no brandy i wouldnt touch that with a 10ft pool and don pushin i laughed but i  knew he wasnt lying.  so i called Don out on it and he said nothing was going on then my mom got her cell bill in ( we were on her bill) and she said brandy what the hell is there 52 dollars worth of text messages on my phone??? I was like who are they too and she told me the number well it turns out they were to and from nicole. so i went off on don again and he said ok ill change my store( he work at a grocery store with her) and my phone number its over.i said ok and let it go he to this day still swears they never slept together. during this time i was pregnant and  i actually miscarried because of all the fighting and stress.RIP KIRSTEN DENAE.

Well i decided i was gonna get a job and all but losing the baby took a real big toll on me and i was put on bed rest.after a while things seemed to be ok we even gt married in may of 06 and had a lil boy in jan of 07. i went on believing things were fine we moved and he got transferred and i thought everything was awesome.then in feb of 08 he brought his phone up to the house and i thought i would be nice nd put it on the charger for him when i did i opened it and there was a message to nicole saying my cock is rock hard for you.i flipped the fuck out. he said i didnt do it i dont know how it got there( his famous words for when he is lying) i was tryin to figure out what i wa gonna do and the next day i went and took a pregnancy test and low and behold i was pregnant again.I took that as a sign i should stay and try to work things out. he reason for doing it was i didnt talk dirty to him. not that i need to defend myself but he never asked. in trying to work things out we decided to move out to texas with his sister nd her husband  so in july of 08 we moved 1500 miles from any family i had and started over out here.

then this past aug and sept i noticed tons of text messages on his phone but when i would look there wasnt anything there and im talking like 5000 text in a month.well i flipped out and was like look you either tell me and we can work it our or you dont tell me and im filing for divorce i packed his shit told him to get out and all when he told me who it was cause she was supposed to be my best friend.i guess i should have suspected her cause she had told me that she had heated on her husband like 5 times and again recently with some guy she met on facebook the day she met him. i just diidnt think she would ever do it to me.we are tryin to work things out his reason this time is he needed someone to talk to but doesnt know why he didnt come to me.i dont know what to do i dont trust him and i have all these walls up now its really like we are just friends with kids. i just feel really lonely out here and dnt know what to do.....

Mrs.Edmunds84
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 1:20 AM

sorry my post was so long

PaganMomma40
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 9:14 AM

I don't really know anything, no big insight here. All I know is it takes a very long time to get over someone destroying your trust. I was completely floored when I found out simply because we communicate so much and so often.

  He was the one who told me, confessed what he'd done because he was ashamed of himself. At first I was stunned then angry wondering if he was ashamed why the hell he did it in the first place? In order to get our lives back on track and the very real fact that I loved him I decided to forgive him. 5 years together wasn't something I wanted to throw away so That's what I did.

  I thought that anyway. I could feel the resentment and anger growing. Getting larger and larger and it took him at least a month to finally tell me what exactly happened. Supposedly he was lonely. He works away from home for weeks at a time then and we only saw each other one week out of a month. He got drunk, she hit on him, he accepted and they wound up in his hotel room. Had sex and "he" realized what he'd just done and made her leave, to this day I'm not sure how true that is but I do know while this was going on I was at Children's hospital with our son, he had a fever of 102 and I was franticly trying to contact him...but of course he was sleeping with some chick and couldnt answer.

  The reason we are getting better now is because after his coffession he was honest with me. Opened up and told me everything I asked when I asked it and shows me in so many different ways everyday that he's sorry and understands he has to make amends for it. Its the least he could do and the least your husband can and should do for you. Don't take anything less. it hurts to know but as the other ladies said, it helps you heal faster. I am sorry you are going through this pain, it hurt like someone stabbed me in the chest, couldnt breath, couldnt sleep and my mind worked in over time. Good luck to you and I will keep you in my thoughts...hugs

Tiffer21
by on Dec. 10, 2010 at 1:00 PM

Thank you all for your comments, stories, and advice....I have contacted my counselor and I start back up Jan. 7th with him.  My husband is a horrible communicator....not only with me but also with his job.  I don't want to force him to do counseling with me again like I did right after I found out.  I think he just says whatever he thinks I need to hear and that isn't helping me at all.  I don't think I will ever get the full story but he is extremely sorry and tells me that everyday.  As for the friend she has not been my friend since I found out.  I have one friend right now and that is it.  I don't think I will allow us to do the couple friend thing again.  It was nice to be friends with a couple our age with kids around our kids age so we could get together for supper but not worth it in the end.  It is bad enough that I have to deal with her since my son and her daughter are in the same class.  We do see them out on weekends because my husband is a DJ and they will show up to dances.  We try our hardest to act like they are not there and have a good time together.  He has cut off all contact with her and I randomly check his phone and go through his cell phone bill every month.  I told him I will never trust him again and if it is going to bother him that I give him the third degree then we might as well end it.  I think he owes me that.

Tiffer21
by on Dec. 28, 2010 at 12:17 PM

so things just keep getting worse...after calling the cell phone provider and getting his text message info mailed to me I called him and said you have until it gets here in the mail to admit anything that might end up reading.  It would be better for me to hear it from you then read about it.  He admitted that they were texting about their feelings being mutual and then I kept pushing and he finally admitted that they kissed and he swears thats it.  He promised on his grandmothers grave that he hasn't had sex with her or even touched her other than the one kiss.  I call the ex-friend and confronted her also and she first denied it but later called me back and admitted everything and said she would answer any questions I had and she would be completely honest.  She says no sex or touching also. 

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