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Not wanting sex. need advice!

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I have a question for anyone who is willing to read. My husband and I have been married for 4 years, we have 3 kids they are 4, 2, and 1. Well about 5 months ago I left my husband and got with 2 other guys. It was the biggest mistake of my life but I did it because my husband treated me more like a slave then a wife. He told me I was ugly and told me what I need to do to look better. He was mean cursed me out all the time so I had enough of it and left. I made the mistake of getting with other guys. Well about 5 months ago I went back to my husband he seemed like he really changed. Well about 2 months after being with him it seems like my sex drive just left. He wants to have sex alot and I only want to do it about once a month if even that. I am always busy with the kid even at night sometimes I dont get to bed until 4am. We fight all the time about me not wanting to have sex. Really I want to I do want to please him but sometimes when he trys it just makes me mad. Now i said it seemed like he had changed well hes back, i get cursed out more now then I did, he thinks I should get him what he ask for, he doesnt help out with the kids and barley helps out with house. I need some advice, why do you think my sex drive is gone? I think it has alot to do with the way he acts. but maybe I`m wrong what does it sound like to any of you? 

by on Dec. 14, 2010 at 3:43 PM
Replies (21-23):
Lovebugbaby
by on Dec. 16, 2010 at 11:46 AM

 That's me too! If Df is a jackass to DD, it's off LOL I can't get intimate when im pissed or hurt.

Quoting emore626:

 My experience with my DH is that when he has been mean to me or my kids it totally turns me off!!! as it is my libido sucks, when he acts like an s## I am really turned off for a while, and it also has lasted about a month...

 

Debbysewn
by on Dec. 16, 2010 at 12:06 PM

I have to agree that his attitude is a big turn off.  I would be tempted to just tell him that there will be no sex until he stops talking to you like he does.  It's not a good tactic but it will either shut him up or send him on his way. 

In my own life, I am just too tired or anxiety filled to want to have sex.  My husband knows that and understands.  The fact that he finds me attractive when I feel so repulsed by my own self  makes me question his sanity some days but he loves me. 

If you really want this to work then start with a small effort to show him he is still important to you.  Make sure you're the first person he speaks to and kisses when he arrives home after every outing.  Make sure you kiss him good bye for every outing.  This sets a good example to the kids too.  I can't find the name of the series but there's a minister and his wife that suggested their congregation's married couples have sex every night for a month, in an effort to renew their intimacy with each other.  It's sound advice but would take a lot of prep time in our case. 

Here's one alternative idea, some men need sex to feel close to their partner.  When they go without it turns them into nasty grumpy a$$es.  Take advantage of those rare occassions that you do want to have sex and show him how good a time he could be having if he would just help out more.   Find ways to point out that him holding your children is a big turn on.  (my husband is sexiest when he's reading to our boys)  Praise, touch, sexually tease, and kiss him  in those moments when he's doing things right.  BUT YOU GOTTA FOLLOW THROUGH, which means you do have to go a head and reward him sexually even if he has made a few mistakes between the good actions and bed time. 

AdriaD
by on Dec. 16, 2010 at 12:26 PM

I agree with this, especially the "get some help fast".  You ARE being abused, even if he isn't hitting you or the kids.  And, think, if he talks to you this way in front of the children what are THEY learning?  If he won't go to counseling with you, as Dear Abby would say, go by yourself.  YOU need help because you are believing you should be treated this way and that is why you are putting up with this.

Sweetie, NO MAN, is worth losing your self-esteem over. 

Quoting jaydengabi:

Screw talking to him! that's not working, you have already left once and came back if your willing to put up with it why would he change when he can do what he wants. of course your not interested in having sex with him he's a jerk and treats you like crap if you want to make your marriage work and get your drive back tell him you want to go to therapy, get some help for you both and get some one on one therapy for him because he is abusing you. just because he doesn't leave a visible mark doesn't mean he's not leaving scars. GET SOME HELP FAST. i've been in the same situation and if you don't get out or get some help it will just get worse and maybe even dangerous.

I don't mean to sound to harsh I'm just telling you how it is

I'll keep you in my prayers.

wreath


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