Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Bury the hatchet, leave the handle sticking out....

Posted by on Dec. 21, 2010 at 12:28 AM
  • 11 Replies

OK so I put up a post introducing myself in the Intro post.  Here is some short back ground.  Josh and I have been together 11.5 years married almost 8 years, we have a 2.5 year old son.  Josh is really insecure about relationships and always has been.  When he and I met it was at work, and when he and I started 'seeing each other' he told me he was seeing other women.  I was like OK no big deal I thought he'd end up being a short term fling so I didn't go nuts over it.  Just be decent and don't try and get all your pillow pals together for coffee at the same time meaning I didn't want to meet any of them.  No such luck.  I met several of his 'exes' while we were dating.  He'd accuse me of cheating when he asked me to be mutually exclusive.  Fast forward here we are almost 12 years later and he's still doing it.  Some of my back ground.  I found out I was pregnant for the first time in my life Christmas 2006, 3 years into our marriage.  I miscarried right after the new year.  I found out I was pregnant on his birthday in July 2007, our son was born April 2008.  Both those times he accused me of cheating and denied his own child who by the way LOOKS JUST LIKE HIM.  He thought it was funny for several months to 'joke' that 'supposedly the baby is mine.'  He's also a dry alcoholic and he had the habit of accusing me of cheating because my sex drive is in the toilet.  He figures because I'm not in the mood to have sex with him I must be getting it from some where else.  He can't grab the concept that I'm not a sexual being.  He on the other hand would be all about having sex 24/7.  Don't get me wrong its nice that he still wants to have sex with me but with as frustrated as he gets because I'm not bending over backward to have sex with him as often as he'd like makes me wonder if he's the one in the wrong.  He doesn't understand how I can be depressed and have a lack of sex drive.  Yep I'm also on anti-depressants which I'm not taking regularly like I should be so that has me all jacked up emotionally and chemically.  I was a twig when hubby and I met, like 105 lbs a twig.  Now I didn't mind going up to 120 lbs since I'm only about 5 ft 2 or 5ft 3 thats healthy.  Now I weigh almost 180 lbs and my son is almost 3 years old.  So now not only do I have mental/emotional garbage going on but my self body image sucks too.  But if I actually attempt to start working out or try to work with a trainer to help keep me goal oriented then I'm doing it because I must be cheating!  You see where all this mess is going.  So here I am doing all the work to keep my crap together mentally and emotionally because I still have to be a functioning parent and spouse then I have to deal with all his garbage too!!!!!   Uhg where the hell does it ever end?

by on Dec. 21, 2010 at 12:28 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
LovelyMother88
by on Dec. 21, 2010 at 12:47 AM

WOW...he is very insecure. I would be going nuts! I have heard that sometimes when men act like that it's because they are cheating themselves...I am not saying he is, just that it's what I've heard. Have you ever suspected anything? If not, then you should sit down with him and tell him how ridiculous he is being and it is driving you nuts.

jenbscott
by on Dec. 21, 2010 at 12:54 AM
Has he ever been cheated on in the past?
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
psych_mom
by on Dec. 21, 2010 at 12:55 AM

Sweetie, antidepressants are only going to help for so long. You should really find someone to talk to to help you overcome the depression. As for the hubby, you need to tell him this has to stop, that you love him and you respect him enough that you aren't going to cheat on him. You have to let him know that the insecurity and accusations are wearing on you and that you would appreciate it if he would figure out why he feels that way so that he can work through these feelings and get over them.

Love2BaMom77
by on Dec. 21, 2010 at 1:07 AM

Yeah he makes me bonkers with it all!!!!  We've done some talking.  I do go for counseling for my depression but I also have a lot of PTSD from childhood abuse and molestation by non immediate family members.  I've told hubby he's lost his damn mind about his insecurities.  To the poster who asked if he's had bad relationships before I have to say yes.  Two specifically that hit him very hard early in his life when he first joined the Navy.  His first long time girlfriend took off out of their place and was sleeping with one of his roommates while he was out to sea.  Its been almost 20 years since that relationship and the second was almost the same situation a woman he had strong feelings for came walking up to him when he came back from sea with another guy on her arm talking about she was engaged.  So yeah he needs a shrink as bad as I do.  Shortly after I started this original post and before I actually posted it we had some conversation about all the drama that has gone on over the last weekend. 

momma0ffive
by on Dec. 21, 2010 at 1:09 AM

i have been in yyour shoes and even things have gotten somewhat better its not 100% better i dont think it ever will be to tell u the truth, the only way it can end  for good is to end the relationship.  its a vicious cycle of psychological and mental abuse. what you described n your post is almost a snapshot of my life///// been with my hubby for 12years this june married for almost 5 ..... blah blah blah same story its so crazy the insecurity, the mental abuse I was warned by my drs at one point that if i didnt snap out of it i  would have a mental break down.  i believe there is ways around if u stay in the relationship but i dont think it will ever go away,   please feel free to pm if you want tyo chat

Zanjea
by on Dec. 21, 2010 at 1:12 AM

 This is so tough.  Do you guys share a faith that you can both lean on?

jennmargaret
by on Dec. 21, 2010 at 1:14 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss of the baby first and formost. have you talked to him about this or a friend or family member? I am here if you need  to vent. It will get better.  good luck, and god bless

Medimom328
by on Dec. 21, 2010 at 1:30 AM
IMO you cannot have a successful relationship where there is no trust. I hope you both will get some counseling. It's not fair for you to do "time" for things that happened to him before you even met.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
ShannaBee
by Platinum Member on Dec. 21, 2010 at 4:53 AM
Sit DH down and tell him all that is going on with you such as your depression, your past sexual abuse, your stress levels, and all that. He may not be grasping your feelings and problems. And I'd be blunt and ask him why he always thinks you're cheating. Let him talk out his insecurities. He needs to stop living his past or he'll destroy his present and future.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Love2BaMom77
by on Dec. 27, 2010 at 7:58 PM

Shanna, funny you should mention talking about things that have happened to me in my past.  He constantly tells me I'm living in the past and that he is not any of my previous relationships.  The funny part is that the people who sexually abused me were family members and not 'strangers' I had been dating.  I've discussed things with him several times.  He just assumes that when people don't want to deal with things they put a medical label on it and take medication.  Just kills me for being a smart man he sure acts ignorant some times.

Quoting ShannaBee:

Sit DH down and tell him all that is going on with you such as your depression, your past sexual abuse, your stress levels, and all that. He may not be grasping your feelings and problems. And I'd be blunt and ask him why he always thinks you're cheating. Let him talk out his insecurities. He needs to stop living his past or he'll destroy his present and future.

 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)