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Bury the hatchet, leave the handle sticking out....

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OK so I put up a post introducing myself in the Intro post.  Here is some short back ground.  Josh and I have been together 11.5 years married almost 8 years, we have a 2.5 year old son.  Josh is really insecure about relationships and always has been.  When he and I met it was at work, and when he and I started 'seeing each other' he told me he was seeing other women.  I was like OK no big deal I thought he'd end up being a short term fling so I didn't go nuts over it.  Just be decent and don't try and get all your pillow pals together for coffee at the same time meaning I didn't want to meet any of them.  No such luck.  I met several of his 'exes' while we were dating.  He'd accuse me of cheating when he asked me to be mutually exclusive.  Fast forward here we are almost 12 years later and he's still doing it.  Some of my back ground.  I found out I was pregnant for the first time in my life Christmas 2006, 3 years into our marriage.  I miscarried right after the new year.  I found out I was pregnant on his birthday in July 2007, our son was born April 2008.  Both those times he accused me of cheating and denied his own child who by the way LOOKS JUST LIKE HIM.  He thought it was funny for several months to 'joke' that 'supposedly the baby is mine.'  He's also a dry alcoholic and he had the habit of accusing me of cheating because my sex drive is in the toilet.  He figures because I'm not in the mood to have sex with him I must be getting it from some where else.  He can't grab the concept that I'm not a sexual being.  He on the other hand would be all about having sex 24/7.  Don't get me wrong its nice that he still wants to have sex with me but with as frustrated as he gets because I'm not bending over backward to have sex with him as often as he'd like makes me wonder if he's the one in the wrong.  He doesn't understand how I can be depressed and have a lack of sex drive.  Yep I'm also on anti-depressants which I'm not taking regularly like I should be so that has me all jacked up emotionally and chemically.  I was a twig when hubby and I met, like 105 lbs a twig.  Now I didn't mind going up to 120 lbs since I'm only about 5 ft 2 or 5ft 3 thats healthy.  Now I weigh almost 180 lbs and my son is almost 3 years old.  So now not only do I have mental/emotional garbage going on but my self body image sucks too.  But if I actually attempt to start working out or try to work with a trainer to help keep me goal oriented then I'm doing it because I must be cheating!  You see where all this mess is going.  So here I am doing all the work to keep my crap together mentally and emotionally because I still have to be a functioning parent and spouse then I have to deal with all his garbage too!!!!!   Uhg where the hell does it ever end?

by on Dec. 21, 2010 at 12:28 AM
Replies (11-11):
by on Dec. 27, 2010 at 8:24 PM


 First of all, I am sorry that you have had to endure the abuse that you went through as a child. As a survivor myself, I know how it can affect you and I'm glad that you're getting counseling. I do hope your counselor is experienced in dealing with sex abuse survivors because if they aren't, they can't be much help. It's a whole different animal and should be a specialty in itself.
One of the most difficult part of being a survivor is that we tend to accept blame much more easily than people who have not been sexually molested. We also tend to accept poor behavior in our relationships mostly due to a combination of low self esteem and guilt--guilt which we don't own. One of the previous posters said it best--you're doing time for his past events. In the same way you don't hold him personally responsible for what happened to you, he shouldn't hold you responsible for what happened to him. Yes what happened to him sucks and the women who did that to him are ...well we all know the word. BUT...You didn't do that to him and don't deserve to have his anger and frustrations taken out on you. You deserve a supportive partner while you're dealing with the aftermath of the abuse. He's impeding your therapy by distracting you with other issues. I was in therapy for 5 years and on antidepressants (btw--take them. Therapy works much better when your moods aren't all over the place.) I've researched and studied to help myself get better. Take care of the inner you and the outter you will follow suit.

PM me if you want to talk more.

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