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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Just some thoughts I've been having

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My hubby and I have been married for 7 years.  Three weeks after we were married he went to Iraq.  When he came home he was a completely different person than the man I married.  Things were fine for a while till I got a job.  I started thinking I was having feelings for someone at work because he treated me better than my husband.  I didn't have an affair with him, he was only a friend.  But ever since then, things have gotten worse.  When we fight he tells me to pack my stuff and get out.  I don't want to go in to all the detail right now but I think he might be verbally and emotionally abusive.  He is obsessed with having a threesome.  He is very aggressive.  I feel that he has no bond with our son who's 7 so he is constantly yelling at him.  Sorry if this is rambling, I need to get some stuff out there I guess.  Anyway, even though things aren't bad all the time, I still have "dreams" of being with someone else.  He is the only man I have ever been with and I don't want him to be the last.  I don't feel right now that I want to leave, there are good things too, but why am I not happy with being with him forever?  that's why I married him.  Do people really fall out of love?  Am I just in love with the thought of being with someone new and exciting? If anyone has any thoughts on this i would be happy to hear them!  

by on Dec. 21, 2010 at 12:34 PM
Replies (11-19):
dove7
by on Dec. 21, 2010 at 1:25 PM

get help or walk out.. before is to late ...good luck

Serenity7
by Platinum Member on Dec. 21, 2010 at 1:45 PM

 When a person fall in love with someone if the love is real true love. You never fall out of love with the person. Going off to war changes some people. Many men & women come back from war a different person. What they see in war and what they go through in war effect their mind. Your husband may need help. Therapist, Getting into to group with other vets who have came back from the war. Any relationship you get in, There will be problems. There is no smooth sailing marriage. Love is not about saying the words. Love in about going through the tough times the hard times and getting through it. Coming out stronger in your marriage.

akgraff
by on Dec. 21, 2010 at 1:53 PM

all these ladies are right. He needs to get help and you are feeling disconnected with him bc of all this and its normal to fantasize but constnatly doing so and flriting etc is treading dangerous grounds to cheating. Your hubby needs as much help as he can get and you both should go to counciling as well for couple's therapy to help with the connection and how you treat each other expecially him. Its soo soo sad how our men and woman go out there and come back different...and worse of all we cannot even imagine what they go through bc a lot of it is not allowed to be repeated so they keep this big dark secret in them till the day they die. Its hard, I wish it wouldn't happen.

ShannaBee
by on Dec. 21, 2010 at 3:49 PM
This! He needs professional help. This happens to many soldiers and divorce rate in the military is high.


Quoting Momma_Halo:

Sounds like he came home with PTSD. He will need to seek help for that and medication. Plus a ton of counseling and support groups. His outlet is sex and abuse. I cannot say I know exactly what is going through his head but I would just tell him everything frankly. Also check out sites on PTSD in soldiers and check out their advice columns for wives in this situation. 


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michelle3881
by on Dec. 22, 2010 at 12:35 AM

He actually was seeing a therapist at the VA for the first couple years after he came home.  He was NOT diagnosed with PTSD, although I swear up and down he has it.  He has been home for 5 years now, and probably hasn't been to his doctor for at least 2, maybe even 3.  There have been a couple times that I have been truly scared, and he won't go to counseling with me.  To me that says he doesn't care about our marriage if that's the only thing that's going to save it.  I have been thinking about things for the last almost 3 years, and I don't want to throw everything away because I overreacted or something, and it's not horrible all the time.  For themost part we get along just fine, but when we do fight is when things get out of hand.

KimberlyMKasten
by Bronze Member on Dec. 22, 2010 at 12:38 AM

counseling sounds like a great idea...sometimes you can fall out of love but maybe you just miss the man he was.

mamabearjud
by on Dec. 22, 2010 at 3:08 PM
Oh this hits home for me! My husband spent A LONG time in this war and has seen\done some horrible things! He was told he didn't have PTSD but he would sleep with a gun under his pillow, freak out at fireworks, and one night COMPLETELY forgot who he was and where he was!! I thank god for our friends who stayed up with us all night to help make sure he didn't hurt himself or me! One of his closest friends was also found by his wife sitting on a street corner one day with his gun after his work called because he had not come in that day. These men are taught to suck it up and that nothing is wrong. They aren't going to talk about the stuff that is going on at home to the military! We spent HOURS laying naked in bed talking about his problems and what he saw and did and reassurance that he is not a horrible person. He finally broke down after my mom talked to him. His all time best friend got shot in front of him and he could not save him. When he came home to deliver the news to his friends mother the mom threw a HUGE guilt trip in his face. She screamed at him that he didn't work hard enough to bring him back and that it was his fault he was dead. It KILLED my husband. So my mom talked to him about it and told him that she would have been angry that her son died but that the anger was misplaced and that my husband needed to not feel guilt for his friends death. He cried! The only time I have seen him cry! So we as a family unit have spent HOURS\DAYS\YEARS working with him to break down what was bothering him and he now sleeps without a gun, he can open the windows somedays, he can sit at a restaurant without looking over his shoulder and he can sleep through the night! PTSD is not an easy thing to deal with. It takes a lot of dedication and time. We were lucky enough that we were counselors for each other. But I would recommend finding some resource that works for you guys!
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mamabearjud
by on Dec. 22, 2010 at 3:08 PM
Oh this hits home for me! My husband spent A LONG time in this war and has seen\done some horrible things! He was told he didn't have PTSD but he would sleep with a gun under his pillow, freak out at fireworks, and one night COMPLETELY forgot who he was and where he was!! I thank god for our friends who stayed up with us all night to help make sure he didn't hurt himself or me! One of his closest friends was also found by his wife sitting on a street corner one day with his gun after his work called because he had not come in that day. These men are taught to suck it up and that nothing is wrong. They aren't going to talk about the stuff that is going on at home to the military! We spent HOURS laying naked in bed talking about his problems and what he saw and did and reassurance that he is not a horrible person. He finally broke down after my mom talked to him. His all time best friend got shot in front of him and he could not save him. When he came home to deliver the news to his friends mother the mom threw a HUGE guilt trip in his face. She screamed at him that he didn't work hard enough to bring him back and that it was his fault he was dead. It KILLED my husband. So my mom talked to him about it and told him that she would have been angry that her son died but that the anger was misplaced and that my husband needed to not feel guilt for his friends death. He cried! The only time I have seen him cry! So we as a family unit have spent HOURS\DAYS\YEARS working with him to break down what was bothering him and he now sleeps without a gun, he can open the windows somedays, he can sit at a restaurant without looking over his shoulder and he can sleep through the night! PTSD is not an easy thing to deal with. It takes a lot of dedication and time. We were lucky enough that we were counselors for each other. But I would recommend finding some resource that works for you guys!
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Momma_Halo
by on Dec. 22, 2010 at 3:17 PM

Many vets have been misdiagnosed and there are some theories that money has something to do with it. They are trying to build better health care and support for vets. 

I would try to get a second opinion. 

Quoting michelle3881:

He actually was seeing a therapist at the VA for the first couple years after he came home.  He was NOT diagnosed with PTSD, although I swear up and down he has it.  He has been home for 5 years now, and probably hasn't been to his doctor for at least 2, maybe even 3.  There have been a couple times that I have been truly scared, and he won't go to counseling with me.  To me that says he doesn't care about our marriage if that's the only thing that's going to save it.  I have been thinking about things for the last almost 3 years, and I don't want to throw everything away because I overreacted or something, and it's not horrible all the time.  For themost part we get along just fine, but when we do fight is when things get out of hand.


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