Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Frustrated and Feeling really hurt......UPDATE!

Posted by on Jan. 5, 2011 at 10:19 AM
  • 25 Replies

My husband and I have been married for 19 years ( as of 12/28/10).  We have three beautiful children ( 13,10,8).  A little over a year ago, he told me he was having a hard time and not enjoying our marriage. I can't say I was happy either but we both grew up in Christian homes and divorce had never been and option. Now, he was making it an option.  So last year on our anniversary ( 2009), he told me that he was choosing us and wanted to make our marriage work.  Then, in March he got a new job and started traveling.  After one of these business trips he cam home and told me that he doesn't love me, didn't miss me and didn't even want to come home to me.  Then he said he had connected with another woman and they kissed.  I was really hurt and furious!  Then he proceeded to tell me that when he said he chose us, it was a lie because he had already told himself that he was done!

We  have been communicating and working through some things this last year but it has been like living in hell at times.  He goes through cycles, like for 2-3 weeks, he is actually trying and things seem to be getting better then for 2 weeks, he is cold as ice.  We've both admitted to mistakes that got us to where we are.  I am making changes and moving in a positive direction for my life.

Well, right before Thanksgiving, I found out that he had sex with this other woman!  That REALLY got me.  I still really love him, he has started counseling and we have gone together once.  It hurts so much because I still care for him deeply and I'm getting little to nothing back.  

As a Christian, I am praying and asking God to speak to both of us and show us what is best.  How long do I wait?  How much more of this do I walk through until enough is enough.  I could see our marriage being saved and becoming something great IF he was willing to work on it with me - but I'm not sure of that.  Sorry this is so long, but I'm not sure where else to turn!


Update : Ladies, thanks for all the advice and hugs.  I continued talking to my DH, he finally told me that he loves me as a friend but just doesn't see our marriage working out.  So, he wants to help the kids and I out financially and is still very concerned about our welfare.  We will be getting a divorce, and I'm ok with that now ( I will be free to find someone that will treat me with love and respect).  Until things are final, we are preparing to make the smoothest transition possible for each other and the kids.  We are working at maintaining a friendship and are seeing a counselor.  As a Christian,I know this isn't God's best but He will not force His will onto someone that doesn't want to listen.  Since the decision, hubby and I have been getting along better and still having meaningful talks.  I know I have a long, challenging road of change ahead but I am trusting God to make something beautiful out of this mess!

by on Jan. 5, 2011 at 10:19 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Melissa6705
by on Jan. 5, 2011 at 10:31 AM
I am so sorry hun. Have you tried doing the love dare or going to counciling? 19 years is a long time to throw away. I will keep you guys in my prayers.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Rosamv
by Member on Jan. 5, 2011 at 10:48 AM

I'm truly sorry that you are going through such a bad time in your marriage.  I myself have been married for 23 years.  I too have put up with alot because of being a Christian and being a firm believer of "until death do us part".  However, once infidelity comes into the pictures all bets are off.  Infidelity is the only acceptable reason for divorce and remarriage for Christians.  Your husband knows that he can string you along.  Nothing will get resolve because you keep trying to fix the marriage when he obviously does not.  Don't put up with his games anymore; he has lost all respect for you.  If he has doubtsabout the marriage and he has already involved somebody else (the other woman) you need to step back. He thinks you will always be there no matter what he does and he will continue to go back and forth between you and this other woman unless you put your foot down.  Let him know that his behaviour and treatment of you is not acceptable.  Remember, he broke the marriage vows.  The ball is in your court:  you can forgive him if he is truly repentant and willing to work on the marriage (which he doesn't seem to) or you end the marriage and move forward with your life.  Prayer always helps to clear things up.  Best of luck in your decisions.

cbaab
by on Jan. 5, 2011 at 10:53 AM


Quoting Rosamv:

I'm truly sorry that you are going through such a bad time in your marriage.  I myself have been married for 23 years.  I too have put up with alot because of being a Christian and being a firm believer of "until death do us part".  However, once infidelity comes into the pictures all bets are off.  Infidelity is the only acceptable reason for divorce and remarriage for Christians.  Your husband knows that he can string you along.  Nothing will get resolve because you keep trying to fix the marriage when he obviously does not.  Don't put up with his games anymore; he has lost all respect for you.  If he has doubtsabout the marriage and he has already involved somebody else (the other woman) you need to step back. He thinks you will always be there no matter what he does and he will continue to go back and forth between you and this other woman unless you put your foot down.  Let him know that his behaviour and treatment of you is not acceptable.  Remember, he broke the marriage vows.  The ball is in your court:  you can forgive him if he is truly repentant and willing to work on the marriage (which he doesn't seem to) or you end the marriage and move forward with your life.  Prayer always helps to clear things up.  Best of luck in your decisions.

I agree.

wisegal
by on Jan. 5, 2011 at 12:06 PM


Quoting Melissa6705:

I am so sorry hun. Have you tried doing the love dare or going to counciling? 19 years is a long time to throw away. I will keep you guys in my prayers.

I've done the Love Dare, he started and never finished ( said it got too religious for him)

We are trying counseling.  I know 19 years is a long time to throw away; but I don't think he is looking at  all the ramifications!

wisegal
by on Jan. 5, 2011 at 5:19 PM

BUMP!

warlikebabyma
by on Jan. 5, 2011 at 5:27 PM

My DH and I have had some very big problems in our relationship in the short time we've been together. Do you honestly think you'll ever be able to forgive him and trust him again? If not, it's not worth spending the time and effort of putting yourself through hell trying to make things work, especially if he's not really interested in making things work. Try to go to therapy again and ask him outright if he wants to work on the marriage. Tell him that if he does, here's what he needs to do. If he doesn't, tell him to be honest and let you know and that you'll agree to make a split. Honey, you can't put yourself through so much and get nothing in return.

Lexylex
by on Jan. 5, 2011 at 5:28 PM

Do you have a good relationship with your church family? This could be a great source of support and extra prayers. Your husband is caught up in a fantasy world right now. The other woman is appealing because he has no responsibilities to or with her.

My advice is for you to take care of yourself. Get adequate rest, proper exercise, and eat a good diet. Pray, pray, pray! Fast and pray some more! Don't give up.  Leave it in the Lord's hands. God is able to fix it and He will. I am adding you to my prayer list.

jessil83
by on Jan. 5, 2011 at 7:58 PM

have you considered going to counseling for yourself as well? if you choose to stay you'll need someone to help you learn to forgive him for his affair, if you leave it'll be good to have someone to talk to. either way it will be good to have someone to talk to about everything and to help you figure out what it is you want.

do you truly feel he wants to stay or is he putting forth enough effort to keep you there? if you don't feel he wants to stay and work on things than you have to ask yourself if you want to continue being the only one who does want to work on things. i really think that there are times in a marriage when one partner wants things to work more than the other does and puts more effort forth to get past hard times. but at some point the second partner has to say, you're right we are worth this and i love you as well and put that effort in.

Aarionna
by on Jan. 5, 2011 at 8:08 PM

I dont have any advice but I hope you are able work things out so that you can feel good again good luck and Big Hugz

owensark2
by on Jan. 5, 2011 at 9:29 PM

I totally agree with this also. If only ONE of you is trying, it's NOT going to work. I was married to my first DD's father 19 years ago, and we had issues. He said he'd change, and every time I agreed to get back with him, he never changed. I think it took me 4 times of this happening for tme to figure out that him SAYING he wanted to try, did not MEAN he wanted to try. He also cheated on me. That really stung, and at that point, I gave up. A person can only take so much torture and torment.  You also need to respect yourself as a human being. I would discuss with him that he has ONE more chance, and make sure he COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDS that if he says those things again (if he really means it) or cheats again... you are DONE. Period. End of story.  he doesn't value the relationship.

Many ((((((HUGS))))) for you during this difficult time.

Quoting cbaab:

 

Quoting Rosamv:

I'm truly sorry that you are going through such a bad time in your marriage.  I myself have been married for 23 years.  I too have put up with alot because of being a Christian and being a firm believer of "until death do us part".  However, once infidelity comes into the pictures all bets are off.  Infidelity is the only acceptable reason for divorce and remarriage for Christians.  Your husband knows that he can string you along.  Nothing will get resolve because you keep trying to fix the marriage when he obviously does not.  Don't put up with his games anymore; he has lost all respect for you.  If he has doubtsabout the marriage and he has already involved somebody else (the other woman) you need to step back. He thinks you will always be there no matter what he does and he will continue to go back and forth between you and this other woman unless you put your foot down.  Let him know that his behaviour and treatment of you is not acceptable.  Remember, he broke the marriage vows.  The ball is in your court:  you can forgive him if he is truly repentant and willing to work on the marriage (which he doesn't seem to) or you end the marriage and move forward with your life.  Prayer always helps to clear things up.  Best of luck in your decisions.

I agree.


Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN