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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Frustrated and Feeling really hurt......UPDATE!

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My husband and I have been married for 19 years ( as of 12/28/10).  We have three beautiful children ( 13,10,8).  A little over a year ago, he told me he was having a hard time and not enjoying our marriage. I can't say I was happy either but we both grew up in Christian homes and divorce had never been and option. Now, he was making it an option.  So last year on our anniversary ( 2009), he told me that he was choosing us and wanted to make our marriage work.  Then, in March he got a new job and started traveling.  After one of these business trips he cam home and told me that he doesn't love me, didn't miss me and didn't even want to come home to me.  Then he said he had connected with another woman and they kissed.  I was really hurt and furious!  Then he proceeded to tell me that when he said he chose us, it was a lie because he had already told himself that he was done!

We  have been communicating and working through some things this last year but it has been like living in hell at times.  He goes through cycles, like for 2-3 weeks, he is actually trying and things seem to be getting better then for 2 weeks, he is cold as ice.  We've both admitted to mistakes that got us to where we are.  I am making changes and moving in a positive direction for my life.

Well, right before Thanksgiving, I found out that he had sex with this other woman!  That REALLY got me.  I still really love him, he has started counseling and we have gone together once.  It hurts so much because I still care for him deeply and I'm getting little to nothing back.  

As a Christian, I am praying and asking God to speak to both of us and show us what is best.  How long do I wait?  How much more of this do I walk through until enough is enough.  I could see our marriage being saved and becoming something great IF he was willing to work on it with me - but I'm not sure of that.  Sorry this is so long, but I'm not sure where else to turn!


Update : Ladies, thanks for all the advice and hugs.  I continued talking to my DH, he finally told me that he loves me as a friend but just doesn't see our marriage working out.  So, he wants to help the kids and I out financially and is still very concerned about our welfare.  We will be getting a divorce, and I'm ok with that now ( I will be free to find someone that will treat me with love and respect).  Until things are final, we are preparing to make the smoothest transition possible for each other and the kids.  We are working at maintaining a friendship and are seeing a counselor.  As a Christian,I know this isn't God's best but He will not force His will onto someone that doesn't want to listen.  Since the decision, hubby and I have been getting along better and still having meaningful talks.  I know I have a long, challenging road of change ahead but I am trusting God to make something beautiful out of this mess!

by on Jan. 5, 2011 at 10:19 AM
Replies (21-25):
wisegal
by on Jan. 7, 2011 at 3:08 PM

BUMP!

jc7981
by on Jan. 7, 2011 at 3:21 PM

I don't have any advice. I have only been married a short time. You seem to be handling it very well though. I hope you that it all works out in the end for the best. You are smart to get your life on track with school and work. If you and he are suppose to stay together it will all work out. 

I am a supporter of counseling. It changed my life and got me out of an unhealthy relationship and allowed me to get to the point in my life where I could handle a healthy relationship. It changed my life completely when I found the right counselor.

hugs

wisegal
by on Jan. 31, 2011 at 12:38 PM

BUMP

Check out my update at the top

mmama0619
by on Jan. 31, 2011 at 12:53 PM
I hope all works out for u n ur kids! Now u r free n single, WOOOO go hit the clubs girl! Live it up, n I hope u fine the man u were ment to b with, (probably not at the clubs lol) good luck with every thing!
Love2BaMom77
by on Jan. 31, 2011 at 1:12 PM

Well it sounds like you and your soon to be ex are being amicable.  Yes he did things that hurt you but at least he's coming clean now and being as honest with you as he knows how to be.  He is also making an effort to maintain a good relationship with you not just for the sake of the kids but because he cares enough about you as a person to want to remain friends with you.  As the child of divorced parents I know neither of my 'Christian' parents did right by each other while they were married.  My mother wanted the marriage severed after my father's infidelities and she was so hurt that she chose to be mean and vindictive.  Now all of that comes back to bite her.  She's getting divorced for the second time. 

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