So I was so upset I was having another c section and worried about Austin they had to give me a relaxing medicine so I wouldn't freak out any more. So after so long I wasn't able to see him and don't remember them showing him to me. I was just so medicated. My perfect birth went out the door. But that's alright he was healthy/happy and that's what mattered to me. He went to NICU (Stress number since I swore my second child wouldn't go too). I relaxed the whole day and got some good service. November 1st I had a ton of people visiting and finally was able to walk without assistance! They told me I was pushing myself to much but that's alright I was able to do it. I go in and they tell me he had a seizure. What?! Babies don't have those.. They do their first EEG. Positive... God my world started to get worse. I was so upset I was blaming myself.. Why did I do this too? I was so angry at my self that I WAS angry at DH. It wasn't his fault I know but who else could I be angry at? November 2nd I was told that he was being transfered to childrens. I walked to my room no one was there crying my eyes out. My nurse, 2 other nurses and a few nurses assistants came in and let me cry with them. So wonderful to have that support. Called my DH who brought my DS1 to the hospital so my mom could take him and they both came up to meet up there.
We cried together and I knew it was going to be hard. Days later they did an MRI and found out he had severe/moderate brain damage because my placenta stopped working a week later. (my fault because I wanted a vbac!) I was so angry at myself some more so I blamed DH. Every bump I went through I got madder at myself and at DH. I feel so bad for him looking back it now. DH came home on December 17th. He has a g tube, was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. Has no gag reflex most of the time sometimes we can do a little by bottle but nothing successful. On 3 medicines. I am living with my parents right now because I felt like I couldn't be around him because I was so angry.
GOOD NEWS: I am finally getting to the realization that none of it could of been told that we didn't know. I went to the doctors appointments like I should of. My baby is perfect. My husband is perfect. My toddler is perfect. I am so glad I am finally realizing these things because I hurt my husband so much by hurting myself thinking it was my fault. We are still living apart but we are getting a house in a few months we hope! (Renting a house or an apartment just trying to find the perfect place for our family!) Medicaid helped pay the 100's of thousands of medicial bills. He is considered disabled so we get help from the state with foodstamps, money and medical for him. We have hand braces because his hands are messed up:( But I love my husband HE is my best friend. I'm so glad we are together. Sorry had to share with you guys!