How would you feel.. (DH with female "BFF") ***we had the talk!! (in red)***
So, let me start from the beginning. My husband and I starting dating 5 1/2 years ago. He's always been close with this girl, Tiffany. I didn't really care, because I've never been a jealous person, but most of all -I trust him.
However, she used to really erk me during the beginning of our relationship. We started dating in May 2005 (when I was 19 and my DH was 26) and in July 2005 she bought him two tickets to a Lynard Skynard concert (his fav band) for his birthday and the two tickets were for him and HER to go. She claimed she didn't get one for me because I was only 19 and wouldn't be able to party with them. I never told him he couldn't go, because it's his favorite band and I wouldn't be able to replace the awesome gift with anything better -Hell, I barely just started dating him 2 months prior.
Well, that was the first time Tiffany got under my skin. But like I said.. I trust my husband -she's obviously a good friend if she got him something so cool.
For the first couple years, she came around every 3 or 4 months, and would steal him away & I always let him go --I was too young to drink with them anyways. And I wanted my DH to have fun -even though, he offered a couple times to stay home with me instead.
Eventually, I turned 21. And she didn't come around quite as often and when she did, there were no more excuses as to why I couldn't go along. So, I became more comfortable with the situation & eventually... she just became Tiffany -just a girl that I also considered a friend of mine.
Though I should add.. She has always called to chat with my DH... once week or at the very least, every other.. she calls to catch up with him.. and I've never once thought twice about it.. even now.
I asked her to be in our wedding (the wedding was in July 2010), which was solely my idea. Because I knew if she was a guy, that my husband would have asked her. I did it for him & thought, it may bring Tiffany & I closer.. maybe she would call me, too. Well during her speeches, she talked about my DH and how happy she is for him.. she never mentioned me.. not even once.. not even at my bridal shower. Weird. And she & I still have only spoke on the phone maybe three times in my life.
She also hogged him on our wedding night... after the wedding, we all went out to a bar for a few drinks... it was fun.. until Tiffany shared multiple stories of the two of them from "back in the day". They both had a couple too many (drinks), as did I, and I just let it go. I figured if I asked one of my male friend to tag along (or if my DH asked him to be in the wedding party), I may have done the same. IDK. But I just ignored it & had a shot or two more at the bar with my other bridesmaids & MOH.
Well... reflecting on the situation, it bothers me.
It bothers me significantly more after a night last week where went to a "Welcome Home Tiffany" Party (she went out of state for a while to train to become a federal police officer -so yeah, she's a tough, pretty, super cool chick). And we arrive by an hour or more late... and Tiffany sees my DH & her world stops. It was all over her face, and she was sooo excited to see him (at the time I thought it was US) and she hurries him over to her other friends & says "Hey this is my best friend Jim!" ... and her friend goes, "OMG.. Jim JOHNSON?? Man, you have A LOT to live up to! All Tiffany does is talk about you.. I wasn't even sure if you were REAL! I thought she had dreamed you up or something.. SOOO good to meet you!!"
AWKWARD! I'm standing there with a cold, tissues in my jacket pockets, dragging myself off the couch to be at this thing and I'm thinking like.. this is not even happening to me right now.
And then she goes, "Oh and this is his wife, Megan." and all I get is some measely wave.... while a couple girls and Tiffany's manly police buddies are all around my DH (who LOVES being center of attention btw) and they start asking him questions about the stories Tiffany has told them.. and suddenly, I feel so insecure. Which is so not like me.. But no one cared to speak with me.. I tried to add on to conversations and NO ONE cared. I hated it. It was awful.
I hate feeling this way. I breifly mentioned to husband on the way home what a hit he was at the party and mocked the girl who said "I wasn't even sure if you were REAL!" in my most annoying voice.. but laughed it off in front him for the most part.
Though, I'm writing this to you all.. because every time I think about her now, I feel insecure.. and I get angry for her lack of acknowledgement towards me.. Like I'm nothing more than a push pin on his shirt & I'm practically invisible to her & now, to her other friends. I don't want my DH to know it bothers me.. but I don't know how to change how I feel... or what to do about this the next time I see her. UGH.
Well, I finally talked to him! (Go me! lol)
It was honestly tough to find the appropriate moment (with three children, is there any a moment that's not totally about them??), but after the kids were asleep last night, I had to muster up the energy to talk about this icky subject.
I started it off, "So... I have something run by you..." ..the look on his face was irreplaceable since it's nothing I've ever said before.
Then I went on, "It's nothing bad at all. But it's something I've put a lot of thought into and I think it's time I share it with you... It's mostly about Tiffany's Welcome home party.."
He was fine, relaxed, tuned in.. I had his 100% attention.. "yeah, what about it?"
I explained how I felt... the things that were said.. that I just felt like an outsider.. how I feel that Tiffany has no regard for my feelings. I told him that it's nothing that he's contributed to, but I thought, as my husband, he should know.
He didn't seem too surprised, but just said that he doesn't see things that way.. And I went on about some of the little stories I told you girls (and some that I didn't).. and he calmly seemed to realized what I meant -but he's "sure it's a misunderstanding" and offered to mention something to her if I'd like.
His take on it (after thinking about why she would act this way around me) was that Tiffany probably thinks that I'm responsible for the drastic changes that he's made in his life. Which, is somewhat true.
BEFORE I was with my DH, he was Big in partying, getting into fights, he even used to do drugs and was all around just one of those "bad boys" that every mother warns their daughter about.
Then, he meet sweet-little-me and became sober, gentlemanly, responsible, and ultimately a father & a husband... something Tiffany was unable to do.
Apparently, Tiffany liked him better that way and their friendship revolved around this behavior ..when they were "bad ass" ...and I am the cause for his 180*. Which DOES explain a lot... why have invite me if she thinks that he's different around me (or different FOR me).
[[[To clarify though, I want to say that my DH's change in his life can't be totally credited to me. He's made a lot of life changes, because he IS a strong individual and I think more than anything, he was ready and just needed a push in the right direction. :)]]]
I'm so glad that I talked to him about this, because his explanation makes so much more sense than anything I would have thought of. And in fact, with this explanation as my definition of her ignorance towards me.. the whole thing makes me smile. Because I turned him into a better man... something that she couldn't have ever done. To the contrary, she influenced & encouraged him to live on that worser path... a path that could have killed him eventually.
(she is now a federal police officer, and has since made her life better as well.. though, all these changes have taken place after we became a couple -as she just officially became a fed officer in Dec 2010.)
So, now.. this whole thing, after speaking with my DH, has actually made me that much more satisfied in my marriage and even in their friendship..
Thanks so much for all the good advice girls!!! :) I'm so glad I have cafemom to sort things out with you all! :)
SAHM to three amazing children: Maddox (4), Kingston (3), & Paris (1).