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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

How would you feel.. (DH with female "BFF") ***we had the talk!! (in red)***

Posted by on Jan. 6, 2011 at 3:56 PM
  • 114 Replies

So, let me start from the beginning.  My husband and I starting dating 5 1/2 years ago.  He's always been close with this girl, Tiffany. I didn't really care, because I've never been a jealous person, but most of all -I trust him.

However, she used to really erk me during the beginning of our relationship.  We started dating in May 2005 (when I was 19 and my DH was 26) and in July 2005 she bought him two tickets to a Lynard Skynard concert (his fav band) for his birthday and the two tickets were for him and HER to go. She claimed she didn't get one for me because I was only 19 and wouldn't be able to party with them.  I never told him he couldn't go, because it's his favorite band and I wouldn't be able to replace the awesome gift with anything better -Hell, I barely just started dating him 2 months prior.

Well, that was the first time Tiffany got under my skin.  But like I said.. I trust my husband -she's obviously a good friend if she got him something so cool.  

For the first couple years, she came around every 3 or 4 months, and would steal him away & I always let him go --I was too young to drink with them anyways. And I wanted my DH to have fun -even though, he offered a couple times to stay home with me instead. 

Eventually, I turned 21. And she didn't come around quite as often and when she did, there were no more excuses as to why I couldn't go along.  So, I became more comfortable with the situation & eventually... she just became Tiffany -just a girl that I also considered a friend of mine.  

Though I should add.. She has always called to chat with my DH... once week or at the very least, every other.. she calls to catch up with him.. and I've never once thought twice about it.. even now.

I asked her to be in our wedding (the wedding was in July 2010), which was solely my idea. Because I knew if she was a guy, that my husband would have asked her.  I did it for him & thought, it may bring Tiffany & I closer.. maybe she would call me, too. Well during her speeches, she talked about my DH and how happy she is for him.. she never mentioned me.. not even once.. not even at my bridal shower. Weird. And she & I still have only spoke on the phone maybe three times in my life.

She also hogged him on our wedding night... after the wedding, we all went out to a bar for a few drinks... it was fun.. until Tiffany shared multiple stories of the two of them from "back in the day".  They both had a couple too many (drinks), as did I, and I just let it go.  I figured if I asked one of my male friend to tag along (or if my DH asked him to be in the wedding party), I may have done the same. IDK. But I just ignored it & had a shot or two more at the bar with my other bridesmaids & MOH.

Well... reflecting on the situation, it bothers me.

It bothers me significantly more after a night last week where went to a "Welcome Home Tiffany" Party (she went out of state for a while to train to become a federal police officer -so yeah, she's a tough, pretty, super cool chick). And we arrive by an hour or more late... and Tiffany sees my DH & her world stops. It was all over her face, and she was sooo excited to see him (at the time I thought it was US) and she hurries him over to her other friends & says "Hey this is my best friend Jim!" ... and her friend goes, "OMG.. Jim JOHNSON?? Man, you have A LOT to live up to! All Tiffany does is talk about you.. I wasn't even sure if you were REAL! I thought she had dreamed you up or something.. SOOO good to meet you!!"  

AWKWARD! I'm standing there with a cold, tissues in my jacket pockets, dragging myself off the couch to be at this thing and I'm thinking like.. this is not even happening to me right now.

And then she goes, "Oh and this is his wife, Megan." and all I get is some measely wave....  while a couple girls and Tiffany's manly police buddies are all around my DH (who LOVES being center of attention btw) and they start asking him questions about the stories Tiffany has told them.. and suddenly, I feel so insecure. Which is so not like me.. But no one cared to speak with me.. I tried to add on to conversations and NO ONE cared.  I hated it. It was awful. 

I hate feeling this way.  I breifly mentioned to husband on the way home what a hit he was at the party and mocked the girl who said "I wasn't even sure if you were REAL!" in my most annoying voice.. but laughed it off in front him for the most part.  

Though, I'm writing this to you all.. because every time I think about her now, I feel insecure.. and I get angry for her lack of acknowledgement towards me.. Like I'm nothing more than a push pin on his shirt & I'm practically invisible to her & now, to her other friends.  I don't want my DH to know it bothers me.. but I don't know how to change how I feel... or what to do about this the next time I see her. UGH. 

Update...

Well, I finally talked to him! (Go me! lol)

It was honestly tough to find the appropriate moment (with three children, is there any a moment that's not totally about them??), but after the kids were asleep last night, I had to muster up the energy to talk about this icky subject.

I started it off, "So... I have something run by you..." ..the look on his face was irreplaceable since it's nothing I've ever said before.

Then I went on, "It's nothing bad at all. But it's something I've put a lot of thought into and I think it's time I share it with you... It's mostly about Tiffany's Welcome home party.."

He was fine, relaxed, tuned in.. I had his 100% attention.. "yeah, what about it?"

I explained how I felt... the things that were said.. that I just felt like an outsider.. how I feel that Tiffany has no regard for my feelings. I told him that it's nothing that he's contributed to, but I thought, as my husband, he should know. 

He didn't seem too surprised, but just said that he doesn't see things that way.. And I went on about some of the little stories I told you girls (and some that I didn't).. and he calmly seemed to realized what I meant -but he's "sure it's a misunderstanding" and offered to mention something to her if I'd like.

His take on it (after thinking about why she would act this way around me) was that Tiffany probably thinks that I'm responsible for the drastic changes that he's made in his life. Which, is somewhat true.

BEFORE I was with my DH, he was Big in partying, getting into fights, he even used to do drugs and was all around just one of those "bad boys" that every mother warns their daughter about.

Then, he meet sweet-little-me and became sober, gentlemanly, responsible, and ultimately a father & a husband... something Tiffany was unable to do.

Apparently, Tiffany liked him better that way and their friendship revolved around this behavior ..when they were "bad ass" ...and I am the cause for his 180*. Which DOES explain a lot... why have invite me if she thinks that he's different around me (or different FOR me). 

[[[To clarify though, I want to say that my DH's change in his life can't be totally credited to me. He's made a lot of life changes, because he IS a strong individual and I think more than anything, he was ready and just needed a push in the right direction. :)]]]

I'm so glad that I talked to him about this, because his explanation makes so much more sense than anything I would have thought of. And in fact, with this explanation as my definition of her ignorance towards me.. the whole thing makes me smile. Because I turned him into a better man... something that she couldn't have ever done. To the contrary, she influenced & encouraged him to live on that worser path... a path that could have killed him eventually.  

(she is now a federal police officer, and has since made her life better as well.. though, all these changes have taken place after we became a couple -as she just officially became a fed officer in Dec 2010.)

So, now.. this whole thing, after speaking with my DH, has actually made me that much more satisfied in my marriage and even in their friendship..

Thanks so much for all the good advice girls!!! :) I'm so glad I have cafemom to sort things out with you all! :)




Thanks again,  

Meggie-May

SAHM to three amazing children: Maddox (4), Kingston (3), & Paris (1). 

[Formally Lovespinkk] 

by on Jan. 6, 2011 at 3:56 PM
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Replies (1-10):
tihone77
by Bronze Member on Jan. 6, 2011 at 4:15 PM

Maybe you should consider saying something to him.  He may not think of her "that way", but it's pretty obvious that she has feelings for him.  There's no way in hell I would be comfortable with my husband being friends with a female that was so obviously ignoring me.  Even if you two aren't buddy-buddy, she should be making more of an effort to both get to know you and include you in "their" plans.  My only advice is to make a list of what exactly is bothering you, give examples and what exactly do you want him to do about the BFF relationship.  Try to keep the emotion down so he doesn't just think you're being over sensitive.  IMHO you have a valid reason to be upset.  Good luck.  Would love to know what happens if you decide to confront him.

Char.965
by on Jan. 6, 2011 at 4:17 PM

My husband has a friend(who is male) and his wife hates my husband because they share something that she and her husband never will. She won't even try to be friends with my husband because of this. I on the other hand got closer to her husband becuase of their friendship. I sat up with him one night and we just talked and drank. It was great! I learned why he and my husband are such good friends, even though I had heard things from my husband. I finally got to hear them from his best friend.

Maybe try to be more of a friend to her also. I know you said that you consider her a friend but, I just don't get that you do. You seem to be afraid that she will take your husband from you.(Although I think that if your husband really wanted to be with her, he would have by now.) Call her up sometime and ask her to go out with just you. Leave the hubby at home. Try to get to know her better. Tell her you would like to be friends also and would like for her to feel that she can talk to you and that you would like to talk with her.  I hope this helps and I hope that she will be willing to do this. You both have him in common, tell each other your stories about him. Good luck

Kala04
by Member on Jan. 6, 2011 at 4:17 PM

have you told your dh how you feel?

CrunchyCarol
by on Jan. 6, 2011 at 4:30 PM

Ok, so he offered to stay home and you encouraged him to go with her? You're a better woman than I!

My opinion is I wouldn't be calling and asking her out for drinks. I'd be taking DH out instead. I'd treat her as nothing but what she is, an outsider. Talk to DH and tell him how she makes you feel. Don't bash her or anything, but tell him how you feel. Next time you have to be around her don't hide that you're a little anxious about it before hand & hopefully he'll take your feelings into consideration and hint for her to back off a bit. I'd bet a well placed arm or a possessive ass-grab in front of her would probably send a nice message. Maybe a few stolen kisses off in the corner where she would (oops!) see you... He's yours, it's time for her to figure that out. Fight dirty but be sweet about it!

Meggie-May
by on Jan. 6, 2011 at 4:32 PM


Quoting Char.965:

My husband has a friend(who is male) and his wife hates my husband because they share something that she and her husband never will. She won't even try to be friends with my husband because of this. I on the other hand got closer to her husband becuase of their friendship. I sat up with him one night and we just talked and drank. It was great! I learned why he and my husband are such good friends, even though I had heard things from my husband. I finally got to hear them from his best friend.

Maybe try to be more of a friend to her also. I know you said that you consider her a friend but, I just don't get that you do. You seem to be afraid that she will take your husband from you.(Although I think that if your husband really wanted to be with her, he would have by now.) Call her up sometime and ask her to go out with just you. Leave the hubby at home. Try to get to know her better. Tell her you would like to be friends also and would like for her to feel that she can talk to you and that you would like to talk with her.  I hope this helps and I hope that she will be willing to do this. You both have him in common, tell each other your stories about him. Good luck

I can try to do this. But the thing is, I fall under her lame radar. She doesn't have kids and in her own words she is "not a kid person".  I have three of them, my friends have to be willing to deal with that.  I'm very "Betty Home Maker" -according to my friends. Lol.. She's very "G I Jane" - for lack of a better comparison. So.. we are very different and I'm okay with that. I totally do not mind being her opposite, but I feel I made a huge effort with her when I asked her to be in the wedding.. I called her about going dress shopping, shoe shopping, etc.. And I went alone with her.  In return, she is honestly better friends with one of my other BMs than she is with me. LOL. I retract her.  She is just simply uninterested in being my friend. And I know that its not in my head, bc MY BFF (whose female) pointed this whole thing out to me a while ago. :(  And I have a tendency of making it all a joke & being thick skinned.. but it does bother me underneath it all.

Thanks again,  

Meggie-May

SAHM to three amazing children: Maddox (4), Kingston (3), & Paris (1). 

[Formally Lovespinkk] 

Meggie-May
by on Jan. 6, 2011 at 4:36 PM


Quoting Kala04:

have you told your dh how you feel?

Yes and No... 

I haven't just flat out said, "Why is she SO up your a$$?? It bothers me, I can't stand it."

But I have said, "Jeez.. Tiffany was a little friendly towards you tonight.. Doesn't her boyfriend get jealous..?"  ...stuff like that.

It's not Him... it's her that I have a problem with. And I certainly don't want him to be a position where he feels that he has to defend himself.  She IS a cool girl, I understand their friendship, and for him, it's completely platonic... however, I don't understand her ignorance towards me. It's very annoying. 

Thanks again,  

Meggie-May

SAHM to three amazing children: Maddox (4), Kingston (3), & Paris (1). 

[Formally Lovespinkk] 

Meggie-May
by on Jan. 6, 2011 at 4:38 PM


Quoting CrunchyCarol:

Ok, so he offered to stay home and you encouraged him to go with her? You're a better woman than I!

My opinion is I wouldn't be calling and asking her out for drinks. I'd be taking DH out instead. I'd treat her as nothing but what she is, an outsider. Talk to DH and tell him how she makes you feel. Don't bash her or anything, but tell him how you feel. Next time you have to be around her don't hide that you're a little anxious about it before hand & hopefully he'll take your feelings into consideration and hint for her to back off a bit. I'd bet a well placed arm or a possessive ass-grab in front of her would probably send a nice message. Maybe a few stolen kisses off in the corner where she would (oops!) see you... He's yours, it's time for her to figure that out. Fight dirty but be sweet about it!

Lol.. I will Definitely do this! Why didn't I think of this?? :)

Thanks again,  

Meggie-May

SAHM to three amazing children: Maddox (4), Kingston (3), & Paris (1). 

[Formally Lovespinkk] 

mlha28
by on Jan. 6, 2011 at 4:38 PM


Quoting CrunchyCarol:

He's yours, it's time for her to figure that out. Fight dirty but be sweet about it!


Definately tell him how you feel and stop being so sweet to her. It obviously hasn't worked and you are allowing her to walk all over you. She knows it and that's why she keeps doing it.

l0vemys0ldier
by on Jan. 6, 2011 at 5:17 PM
Exactly what I would do!

My husband and I have an agreement: "What's good for the Goose is good for the Gander!" If he doesn't want me to go out with a male friend, then shouldn't go out with a female friend! It's that simple for us. He has definitely "Marked his territory" around other men!


Quoting CrunchyCarol:

Ok, so he offered to stay home and you encouraged him to go with her? You're a better woman than I!


My opinion is I wouldn't be calling and asking her out for drinks. I'd be taking DH out instead. I'd treat her as nothing but what she is, an outsider. Talk to DH and tell him how she makes you feel. Don't bash her or anything, but tell him how you feel. Next time you have to be around her don't hide that you're a little anxious about it before hand & hopefully he'll take your feelings into consideration and hint for her to back off a bit. I'd bet a well placed arm or a possessive ass-grab in front of her would probably send a nice message. Maybe a few stolen kisses off in the corner where she would (oops!) see you... He's yours, it's time for her to figure that out. Fight dirty but be sweet about it!




AirForceWife109
by on Jan. 6, 2011 at 5:43 PM

she kinda seems like shes trying to take your husband over. like seriousely who does she think she is i would tell him first of all its bothering you and he needs to respect that. and if nothing is done you should confront her, and tel her whats up and that hes yous and she needs to take it down a notch. but hey on the other hand maybe is should not bother you all to much because after all hes with you and not her.

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