Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Surviving infidelity - is "normal" possible?

Posted by on Jan. 23, 2011 at 4:16 PM
  • 22 Replies

I found out about my husband's infidelity a year ago.  He has sworn it was a mistake, and will make it up to me every day of his life.  He has lived up to that promise.  In some ways, it seems our marriage is stronger.  But, I can't seem to get the thoughts of the affair out of my mind.  Perhaps if there was no further contact with the other woman, it would aid the healing, but as if to make matters worse, she became pregnant during the affair and now there is a child in the middle. 

I wanted out of the relationship when it first surfaced.  I knew it would be virtually impossible to work through this.  I read some of the posts from so many women who say "if he cheats, I'm out."  I was one of those.  Then it happened to me.  I do love him.  We have gone through counseling.  Most of all, I have a strong spiritual foundation and I understand the power of forgiveness.  There are good days - more of them as the months pass, but the bad days are unbearable and I wonder if I will ever feel normal again.

Any advice?

by on Jan. 23, 2011 at 4:16 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
MrsTantaros
by on Jan. 23, 2011 at 4:25 PM

Well I still hold to my "if he cheats i'm out", because I did that with two of my exs. That is a hard situation for him to have a kid with the other girl too. Seeing as he was not smart enough to wear protection. (of if he did and it broke idk) Ether way. Thats a hard choice. I would have no good advice for you.

My choice would be leave. (ever time i left my cheating ex, I was much happier, but dont know if that would be the same for you)

momma0ffive
by on Jan. 23, 2011 at 4:27 PM

....?  no need for further comment

Snoop420
by on Jan. 23, 2011 at 4:27 PM
Wow. I do not think I could mend a relationship if the affair produced a child. I couldn't deal with the humiliation & pain of explaining it again & again. You need to be aware that if you decide to try & make it work that it's gonna be a tough ride for a long time. You need to fully think about pros & cons of staying in the marriage. That's some heavy shit momma (((hugs)))
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
my4kids274
by Member on Jan. 23, 2011 at 4:29 PM
Yes it does. At least in our case it did. So do not give up hope.
.Sugaree.
by on Jan. 23, 2011 at 4:31 PM
I dint think you will ever be the same as before. Your 'normal' will be different now than before, especially since you have to continue to be reminded of it everyday bc of the child (if DH is involved in it's life)
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Ladywithtwo
by on Jan. 23, 2011 at 4:31 PM
My hubby cheated 6 years ago and I'm still dealing with it. There is no way I could handle a child being involved though. :( sorry
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
ShannaBee
by Platinum Member on Jan. 23, 2011 at 4:36 PM
Being in counceling is a good step since you do want to work it out. My advice is always be open in your feelings with DH that way resentment doesn't build up. Has your councelor given you steps on accepting the child? In a way that child has become your stepchild. I understand it must be hard because a child is involved. How well did you two get closure on the affair? I believe if you love him and work hard you can make it work. Your feelings are normal and time may help you learn to cope better. Just keep up the counceling.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Lisa1210
by on Jan. 23, 2011 at 4:38 PM

I guess I should add, we had been happily married for many years.  Have grown children.  Maybe it was mid-life crisis on his part.  You're right about not wearing protection.  I wouldn't have expected someone his age to be so irresponsible.  I must say, I live with this man day in and day out and I have known him for many years - he is wracked with guilt for the pain he has caused all of us.

I have offered to divorce on numerous occasions, no strings attached.  I don't need his support financially.  He doesn't need my support financially either.  It would be a very easy split.  Most of all, I see that our divorce would benefit the child, who is truly blameless in all of this.  If we weren't together, he could come and go as he pleases, even if it means going to the mothers home to see the child.  He wants no part of it.  He wants to stay with me.  This is a pickle.

XtremeCheerMom
by on Jan. 23, 2011 at 4:38 PM

My husband had an affair in August 2002, our daughter were 9 and 2.  I was in the first month of the teaching program to earn my MA.  Life was changed forever.  I was always one of those, "if he cheats, I'm gone," too and even though it broke my heart and made living life miserable for awhile I stayed and he swore it was a mistake that would never happen again and that I was his world.  We met when I was 17, he was 16.  First for everything for each other.  I'd like to say that you will be over it with time but you likely won't.  It's been 9 1/2 years and rarely a day goes by where I'm not reminded in some way of his infidelity, strangely it seems to pop into my head from time to time even though it's been almost 10 years ago.  We have had our roller coaster of a relationship and have been on the brink of divorce a few times, but today we are stronger together than ever and I'm not sure we could live without each other.  Our kids are now 10 and 17.  For many years we'd get into an argument and I'd remind him what he did to me, and finally he told me that I cannot continue to do that because despite me believing that he has moved on and forgotten, he will never forget how bad he hurt me and how horribly he screwed up our lives...forever.  I still can't forget, and I'm not sure I've completely forgiven, but I made the decision to stay and I have to learn to let it go.  10 years and I still haven't, but I'm getting closer every day.  I think of that awful woman less and less, and thank God that there is no tie to each other, he was able to break away and leave her behind (although she lives somewhere in the town we do we have not seen her).  She contacted me a few years ago through Facebook, he deleted the message but I saw it and read it (unfortunately she'll think he read it, but he didn't) and she told him how happy he looked and that she was glad he and I were able to find happiness with each other.  I don't buy it, I think she was hoping he'd message her back and say hey, let's hook up (she's a whore, excuse my language).  He doesn't know I read the message.  He blocked her completely after she sent the message. 

So, the only advice I have, is make sure it's what you want.  You will probably never feel normal again, but you can make sure you feel good about you and your decision.  She doesn't deserve to take that away from you, even if there IS a child from it.  Don't let her.  If he is sincere and wants to make your marriage work then make sure you do, too.  That woman doesn't deserve to take away your happiness, your trust, or your security ever again.  I still have a hard time trusting my husband, even though he has not given me reason not to.  I'll probably always have trust issues because of this, but it's up to me how I handle it and respond to it.  Same with you...if you let it stand between the two of you it will (the woman, the child, the affair, etc.)  Good luck, I know EXACTLY what you are going through and feeling and it's not easy, it doesn't seem fair, and it makes things difficult...but only you can pull yourself to the place you want to be in life.  Hugs to you, and feel free to message me anytime...or even e-mail, it helps me to talk to others who have been in my position, not sure if you've tried that, but it really brings a sigh of relief to me to know I am not alone in dealing with this and that I have someone who can empathize with me and we can support each other.  BEST WISHES!!!

Rachelle
maeganzmyboo@aol.com

 

LuvablemomD
by on Jan. 23, 2011 at 4:41 PM

I think it would be hard for me and I would get a divorce and never look back.You just have to go where your heart takes you.Make sure you are prepare yourself for the lows because in any situation there can be the good times and bad times but it seems the bad times are really bad.My heart goes out to you.Cheating alone is very hard to deal with but when the result of that created a life between him and the other female,the pain could be reoccurring pain verses forgive then try to put things in the back of your head  at times but never forget.The way life goes I could never say what I would not do until it happens,so I feel I would leave but you just never know.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)