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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Question for those who have gone through divorce

Posted by on Jan. 24, 2011 at 10:53 AM
  • 11 Replies

Ladies, 

If you have gone through a divorce, were there kids involved?  If so, how old were they when it happened?  Secondly, do you and your ex still have a decent relationship?  Are you still friends or did the relationship get mean and ugly? 

I'm possibly going through a divorce in the next few months and am concerned as to how it will affect my kids ( 13, 10 & 8).  And I'm also interested in how realistic it is for me to think that my hubby and I can maintain a friendship through all of this.

Thanks for any input ladies.

by on Jan. 24, 2011 at 10:53 AM
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Replies (1-10):
JenC447
by on Jan. 24, 2011 at 11:20 AM

I went through a divorce almost 3 yrs  ago at the time my boys were 5 and 7. For my 5yr old it has been very difficult he has had a lot of emotional problems. Dad has had several girlfriends in and out of the boys lives and it has been difficult mostly for the younger one. I also in the last 3 yrs got remarried which has been very difficult on him as well as he has always hoped that mommy and daddy would get back together. Other things come into factor as well dad doesn't spend alot of time with the boys (they go to his parents alot when there with him). My ex and I have a descent relationship for the boys but he doesn't do what he is supposed to be doing as far as taking care of the boys stated in our divorce decree. Like taking care of there medical and now my husband and I are gonna have to take my ex to small claims court in order to get him to take care of his responsibilities.At times things have been nice and sometimes they can get ugly it was really ugly going through the divorce he thought he was gonna try and take the boys from me just to hurt me, and it got really nasty.

onceagain4u2
by on Jan. 24, 2011 at 1:00 PM

Divorce isn't fun.  I left my husband of 20 years.  My girls were in 10th & 11th grade at the time.  I moved to another state and the girls decided to stay w/their dad to finish school.  they were popular, excellent students and involved in a lot of school activities.  I understood that moving would mess up their social life and school, but it was the most difficult thing I've ever done to leave them behind.  For my health and  sanity, I had to leave.  My ex was always controling, so that only got worse after the divorce.  He uses the kids against me, even now that they are 21 & 23.  I feel both married/marrying the guys they are with right now to get out of his house.  He always talks bad about me  to them.  I have to say though after 5 years, the girls see the light and know he is malicious.  He is a control freak and money hungry.   My advice to you is expect and prepare for the worst.  If it is better, well you got lucky, if not...you are prepared.  Be sure to know all your rights and know how much money is involved...savings, all accounts, retirement, etc.  Mine made $10,000 disappear before I could prove it existed.  Document everything financially now...after you leave or he does,write down what he does, when he calls the kids or sees them and what he buys them.  This will be important when custody becomes an issue.  It s too late to prove it after the fact. 

Is there any way counseling can bring you two back to the reasons you fell in love before?  Any hope should be exhausted before you go through divorce.  I went to counseling, but hubby wouldn't go, so it didn't get any better for me.  Good luck and have a strong support system if you decide to leave.  You'll need  a shoulder to lean on, a friend to listen, a place of comfort and someone to watch the kids when you have appointments.

vgmz22
by on Jan. 24, 2011 at 1:14 PM

I went through a divorce about 2 years ago my son was 1 1/2 yrs. My son seems to handle it well so far. As far as me and the ex our relationship use to be really good like close friends... till he found out I was seeing someone new and we were expecting... that's when things turned really ugly that's where we are right now.

It's not impossible to stay friends after a divorce but it will take a bit of work and communication. If one of you decide to shut down then it's impossible to work anything out without court involvement.

EireLass
by on Jan. 24, 2011 at 3:09 PM

Every situation is it's own. Nobody knows your situation, so only you and he can determine if you'll remain friendly. He moved out in 1989. My kids were 11 & 8. He's a total douche. I never badmouthed him, I knew he could do a good enough job with that on his own. haha. And he did. My daughter hasn't spoken to him in years. My son, only when he wants something from him. I have no use for him, he's a waste of space. 

sharon35862
by on Jan. 24, 2011 at 6:14 PM

 i have been divorced..(im now on hubby number 2)..we got divorced on grounds of adultry..him not me...i didnt take a penny off him i just wanted rid asap. i had 4 kids, they suffered terribly as he wouldnt leave me alone, he spread lies around about me all because i wouldnt give him another chance, 4 years of him cheating was enough for me, we were married 4 years divorced on our 4th wedding anniversary!

that was 2004

he lives close by so the twins see him whenever they want,but only sleep over once a fortnight,his family dont speak to me but i like it that way,, i speak to him occasionaly only about the kids though. my kids were quite young and dont really remember much now but at the time it was very ugly, im glad i divorced him while they were younger rather than older. when i remarried, he gave me a big hug and said he hoped i was happy coz i deserved it, which was nice, id like to see him settled and happy too.

 

 

markjenjjmm
by on Jan. 24, 2011 at 6:26 PM

My children were 18 months and 3.  They are now 10 and 12.  My hubby and I get along fine with my ex and his new wife.  I wouldn't say we are friends but we can easily sit next to each other at sporting events to support our children and talk often as it pertains to the children.  My hubby's ex and I get along fine but she doesn't get along so well with my hubby.  She always says "I'm so tired of bending over backwards for you" and to that I always say that I am not bending over backwards for my ex but I will always bend over backwards for my children!  It is a lot of work but if you are both committed you can definitely have a decent relationship with your ex.  Most important thing is to not be selfish and always put your children first!

markjenjjmm
by on Jan. 24, 2011 at 6:28 PM

Oh yeah and never never badmouth him in front of your children, it hurts them more than you know!!

ruthie11617
by Member on Jan. 25, 2011 at 1:53 AM

My ex-husband and I divorced when my son was almost eighteen months old. Our circumstances were very different from yours, so I'm not sure how much help my story will be. My ex left when I was seven months pregnant ("couldn't handle" things anymore and ran back home to Mommy, 700 miles away). He has never seen our son, outside of pictures and now, at almost 4 years old, my son sees DF as his Daddy; he knows no other daddy. The ex and I are not on good terms for many, many reasons...he says it was my fault he left because I didn't beg him to stay, he wants to call himself Reuben's daddy but he's never seen him, never made any attempt, and can't be bothered with paying child support...and I find it's best to just not talk to him at all. He never tries to find anything out about our son, so it's easy to do. Once DF and I are married, we will go about the process of terminating rights/adoption so he can LEGALLY be Reuben's daddy.

            


        

jodi43
by on Jan. 25, 2011 at 6:34 AM

I went through a divorce years ago with my daughters dad.we try to get along,but at times easier said than done.communication is the key.I wish you best of luck,and if you need to vent message me anytime!

jodi

PrincessNicole
by on Jan. 25, 2011 at 8:25 AM

My ex and I have 2 kids together. They were 2 and 5 when we separated, 4 and 7 when the divorce was final. It took us a LONG time to have a civil relationship and I think that his second wife has a lot to do with things being decent now. It's still not great. We're in a child support battle right now. Money always has been very important to him (like, he used to use our paychecks to buy things for himself before he would even consider paying any bills). We are NOT friends by any stretch of the imagination. We've always tried to keep the kids away from any of our anger with each other, though. Probably me more than him.  I don't talk bad about him around the kids and I think that makes a HUGE difference.

That having been said, friendship can be maintained through divorce. There is a family in my church who is the perfect picture of a divorced family. She is remarried and her husband and her ex are good friends. They even watch football together on weekends. They all parent together and the kids are very happy. It's really great to see how everyone gets along.

So many people worry about how the kids will handle divorce. And yes, it's very hard and it's life-changing for them.  But, when the parents are together and arguing all the time, in my opinion, that can be way worse than divorce.

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