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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

He's treating our kids pretty badly. *little update*

Posted by on Jan. 30, 2011 at 8:41 AM
  • 28 Replies

 I love my husband very much, but he's a horrible parent. Absolutely terrible. He yells and screams at them when they bother him, he sits on his laptop constantly when he's home, he's just mean. And he treats our oldest, Scarlett (who's 5), the worst. He's constantly mean to her, he hates spending time with her, and I just don't know what to do. We had a huge blow out fight this morning, and he's just not interested in changing. He doesn't see where he's wrong, he refuses to read books, he refuses counceling. He thinks that what he does is right, even when it's obviously not. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be without him, but I can't let him keep treating the kids like shit. What do I do?

I also wanted to add this. This morning, he told me that because I let Scarlett come out of her room when she's ready to apologize for doing something wrong, that she's going to turn into a drug addict. And that because I don't force her to finish her food, when she's 16, she's going to stay out as late as she wants because she's not going to listen to me. I don't know how to argue with that because he's just so irrational.

*little update* The rest of yesterday went much better. I think he can now see where he was wrong, and he was really trying hard to fix it. I do want to say that he started a new job last week, and its put a lot of pressure on him. Its a very good job with a ton of responsibility, so he's been extra stressed. Thank you to everyone who gave me good advice!

by on Jan. 30, 2011 at 8:41 AM
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Replies (1-10):
.Sugaree.
by on Jan. 30, 2011 at 8:42 AM
I'm sorry, that's a hard situation. I don't know what to say!!
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summerbabe
by on Jan. 30, 2011 at 9:09 AM

 Since I don't know how long it's been going on I just have a few helpful things to say, like pp said this must be so hard for you to deal with. First, you keep doing the right thing for your children being the best mom ever and be there when he's yelling to re-direct them elsewhere. You have to protect them and defend them by never letting them feel alone when he's acting like that. Above all, don't yell or fight him in front of them becuase it will end up sad & detrimental for the children.

Do not let his words tear you down about how you parent;that is not how kids turn into druggies or teens who don't listen. Your discipline skills are tops and keep doing this with your daughter. Ignore him when he's cutting you down and get real busy with something else to keep your mind from focusing on his negativity.

I think he heard your words and only time will tell if it sinks in, or not.

hth!hugs

 

AnGLInterrupted
by Kendall on Jan. 30, 2011 at 9:10 AM

Sounds like your husband is learning from example.  Did his parents act that way with him?  I don't have any real advice for you.  You have to do what you have to do to protect your kids, even if that's from their own father.  Sounds like [to me] your husband has some issues he needs to work out with a licensed therapist. 

This is going to sound really stupid.  If you have a video camera..  tape him.  Put it up out of sight and when he starts in on his tirades, discreetly turn the camera on and let the scene play out.

Sometime when he's calmer, play it for him.  I would tape him several times.  1 time he might consider [a bad day], but 3 or 4..  no.  Tell him, "See look..  you're acting horrible to the kids.  They love you, look up to you, cherish you, and this is what they get from you.  That's not fair.  What are you going to do about it?"

It might not work, but it might.  Dh and I were fight a lot..  didn't have a video camera then, but I did sit town and write out word-for-word some of the things he's said to me.  I let him read it one day and he started crying.  And he's one of those types that "never does anything wrong" too.  GL sweetie.

summerbabe
by on Jan. 30, 2011 at 9:12 AM

 

Quoting AnGLInterrupted:

Sounds like your husband is learning from example.  Did his parents act that way with him?  I don't have any real advice for you.  You have to do what you have to do to protect your kids, even if that's from their own father.  Sounds like [to me] your husband has some issues he needs to work out with a licensed therapist. 

This is going to sound really stupid.  If you have a video camera..  tape him.  Put it up out of sight and when he starts in on his tirades, discreetly turn the camera on and let the scene play out.

Sometime when he's calmer, play it for him.  I would tape him several times.  1 time he might consider [a bad day], but 3 or 4..  no.  Tell him, "See look..  you're acting horrible to the kids.  They love you, look up to you, cherish you, and this is what they get from you.  That's not fair.  What are you going to do about it?"

It might not work, but it might.  Dh and I were fight a lot..  didn't have a video camera then, but I did sit town and write out word-for-word some of the things he's said to me.  I let him read it one day and he started crying.  And he's one of those types that "never does anything wrong" too.  GL sweetie.

 Nothing stupid about this at all!! Depending on the situation and people's temperaments this is very effective.

rockinmomto2
by on Jan. 30, 2011 at 9:13 AM

 He is absolutely following in what his mom did to him. She's a terrible parent, and he's doing to the kids exactly what she did to him. "I'm the parent, you'll do what I tell you to do." without thought for what the child might want. or "Why can't she just sit there and shut up and eat her food.". He basically wants to control every aspect of every situation, and it's not fair or right.

Quoting AnGLInterrupted:

Sounds like your husband is learning from example.  Did his parents act that way with him?  I don't have any real advice for you.  You have to do what you have to do to protect your kids, even if that's from their own father.  Sounds like [to me] your husband has some issues he needs to work out with a licensed therapist. 

This is going to sound really stupid.  If you have a video camera..  tape him.  Put it up out of sight and when he starts in on his tirades, discreetly turn the camera on and let the scene play out.

Sometime when he's calmer, play it for him.  I would tape him several times.  1 time he might consider [a bad day], but 3 or 4..  no.  Tell him, "See look..  you're acting horrible to the kids.  They love you, look up to you, cherish you, and this is what they get from you.  That's not fair.  What are you going to do about it?"

It might not work, but it might.  Dh and I were fight a lot..  didn't have a video camera then, but I did sit town and write out word-for-word some of the things he's said to me.  I let him read it one day and he started crying.  And he's one of those types that "never does anything wrong" too.  GL sweetie.

 

ingrid198
by on Jan. 30, 2011 at 9:17 AM

hugs

mummaof2lilboys
by on Jan. 30, 2011 at 9:25 AM

 ((Hugs))

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. I also can't imagine it's easy. I like the idea of video taping him. Then he can see it as an outsider looking in. Also, what is his relationship with his Mom like? Does he realize that he's following in her foot steps? He may open his eyes and change if your bring that to his attention. There were things I was doing that was exactly what my Mom was doing (which drives me insane). I didn't realize I was doing it until DH pointed it out.

GL!!!

scorpiostungyou
by on Jan. 30, 2011 at 9:25 AM

I think him being mean is horrible But I do also make my kids finish their dinner before leaving the table or no tv or dessert. Honestly if I was with a man who mistreated my kids I would leave him. My kids trump any and every man.

etexmom
by on Jan. 30, 2011 at 9:29 AM

 Oh man, you've got a real problem on your hands.  I would be livid if I had a husband like that.  Sometimes ppl don't really realize how they come across.  I would videotape his actions to his children and let him watch it. (seriously)  He may be upset or mad, but he needs to see how he communicates w/them.  It will damage your children to be treated so badly by their father.  If he doesn't seek help & change or see the light and change on his own, I'd remove myself and the children from the home.  Your children deserve better!

KatieJo81
by on Jan. 30, 2011 at 9:50 AM
This and the videotaping idea are the best suggestions I've read so far. If after he's been confronted with the info and still doesn't change, I would do a trial separation. That would be a last resort but might be the only thing that truly gets through to him. And if the kids didn't want to visit him that might be eye opening to him as well. It will all show you just how important your family is to him. Good luck!

Quoting summerbabe:

 Since I don't know how long it's been going on I just have a few helpful things to say, like pp said this must be so hard for you to deal with. First, you keep doing the right thing for your children being the best mom ever and be there when he's yelling to re-direct them elsewhere. You have to protect them and defend them by never letting them feel alone when he's acting like that. Above all, don't yell or fight him in front of them becuase it will end up sad & detrimental for the children.


Do not let his words tear you down about how you parent;that is not how kids turn into druggies or teens who don't listen. Your discipline skills are tops and keep doing this with your daughter. Ignore him when he's cutting you down and get real busy with something else to keep your mind from focusing on his negativity.


I think he heard your words and only time will tell if it sinks in, or not.


hth!hugs


 

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