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keeping secrets

Posted by on Feb. 1, 2011 at 12:30 AM
  • 9 Replies

This may be long... So anyway My SO (not married), his 2 kids, a child together, and I all moved to Georgia from Michigan last year due to job opportunities.  I love this man to death and he is so great.  He is awesome with our baby and with his kids, also he helps around the house and is totally sweet to me.  He is everything I've always wanted in a man EXCEPT... He keeps things from me.  He won't let me be involved in the finances which he really sucks at.  I offered many times to help, but he doesn't want me seeing his bank statements.  Secondly I found out that he has a friend in Michigan that sends him pain meds if he needs them and he was keeping it from me.  I found out and told him that I support any decisions that he makes as long as it doesn't effect the family, I just want to know what goes on with him and that he can talk to me about anything.  He agreed not to hide these things from me anymore.  He was still texting daily with this "drug girl" from Michigan daily, but deleting her text messages.  (I have access to our cell phone account and can see who he texts, but not able to read the actual conversation) I asked him about this and he swears that he isn't getting drugs from her anymore, but they are just friends.  His explanation for deleting her texts was because it was habit from before when he was keeping his pain med needs from me and promised to stop being so sneaky acting.  After checking the cell phone account I see that he completely stopped texting her, but I see many multi-media usages on the account.  So tonight I took his phone and looked at his facebook since he doesn't log out and found that he has been sending her messages via facebook.  I read them and didn't find anything worth getting upset about, just "hi how are you?" and "how's the weather" kind of stuff.  I know for a fact that they are not having any type of romantic relationship and have no sexual feelings for each other. I don't understand what the big deal is.  I already explained to him that I don't care about the pain meds, but why is he being so secretive? Why hide the posts and the bank info? We are suppose to be life partners and I feel like I can't trust him.  I don't want to leave, I want to make this work but talking to him isn't making a change.  What should I do?

by on Feb. 1, 2011 at 12:30 AM
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by on Feb. 1, 2011 at 1:22 AM
My hubby use to do me like that befor we got married and befor we had children but he was talking to his ex girlfriend and i didnt like her to much but i just thought it was crazy that he would hide it from me... but me and him broke up when i was pregnant with my daughter and he stopped doing drugs and dropped her off his mind. But maybe if you cant get it through to him tell him that keeping stuff like that from you makes you wanna leave because you feel awful that he is so crazy with his secrets. good luck maybe you and him can work it out
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by on Feb. 1, 2011 at 2:15 AM

Tips for your next post:

use paragraphs..when you have a print so small and bland..the words begin to blend together. :)

try a different size sometimes helps too, as well as colors (not bright ones) I will read your post...

by on Feb. 1, 2011 at 2:26 AM

I think counseling is in need for sure!

by on Feb. 1, 2011 at 3:57 AM
Talk to him again. He needs to understand that in a relationship you can't have secrets. Let him know how it upsets you that he can't confide in you and that he keeps things from you.
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by on Feb. 1, 2011 at 4:49 AM

I think you definetly need to talk to him. He doesn't get it. My DH used to talk to his ex "girl friends" all the time.. in fact, when we were first married, he went out to dinner with one of them, and her husband.. but didnt tell me. Sometimes they believe that if they truly dont think its a big deal, then you shouldnt either.. forgetting the fact that we are women and we think differently than men. As far as the meds go, thats really unsafe.... especially if he isnt medically inclined at all. I think that is an issue that you should definetly address.. because it does effect you and all the kids. Good luck

by on Feb. 1, 2011 at 5:29 AM

 That is not something I would put up with. Stop talking to the girl, stop doing drugs and show you his statements. Me and my Dh are now and always have been completely transparent. I have access to anything I want, as does he. Thats the only way to have a real, trusting relationship.

by Platinum Member on Feb. 1, 2011 at 5:53 AM


by on Feb. 1, 2011 at 8:54 AM
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I hope you guys can work things out. But with the pain medicine it sounds like he's an addict. Which is not a good thing sweetie pie. I'm sorry that you are going through this all together. I hope that perhaps if you ask him to stop he will but some guys need something in their life to change to be able to change their lives. I would not put up with my husband hiding things from me because marriage is based on trust. Trust is so important and hope you guys can get back on the right path
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by on Feb. 1, 2011 at 9:12 AM

offer to sit down with him while he takes care of the finances. some men really just like to be in the drivers seat when it comes to that so instead of getting huffy and demanding to be in charge, be the co pilot. that way you can still be involved but let him feel like hes the captain of the ship.

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