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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Bragging hurting the relationship

Posted by on Feb. 11, 2011 at 11:49 PM
  • 5 Replies

My husband is 10 years older than I am and has experienced life a lot more.  He's been to other countries while in the military, had many more lovers, and was/is a wild man biker.  The problem comes when he brags about these things.  For example, he once had sex on his motorcycle.  I jokingly asked if we could do that one day and he said no.  I then got a lecture on how dangerous it was.  Now...I was kidding, but it ticked me off.  Why do I get told "no" when some other woman got to try it?!  There are other things like this (sex in bathrooms, outdoors) that he won't even consider with me.  I'm not really sure I want to do these things, but it's the fact that I don't get the choice that hurts.

Another situation is him bragging about how he gave great advice to other men who just didn't understand women.  The main issue right now is Valentine's day.  He loves to tell this story about how a young man said his girlfriend told him V-day wasn't special and not to worry about it.   His advice to this young man was don't listen.  V-day isn't special to her only because no one has made it special and this is her way of asking you to change that.  Well, the young man didn't listen and was single shortly there after.  Other men have supposedly listened to him and continued on in relationship bliss.  The catch...it's been YEARS since he's given me a special V-day.  If I don't plan things, nothing happens.  When we first got together, he was really great.  Then, money was tight and I had to ask him to back off for a bit, but now that things are o.k. he still doesn't do anything but apologize after I'm disappointed.  He uses this money issue or some other excuse to do nothing.  It's really painful.

I start to feel like either his stories are all lies or I'm "too little too late" in his life.  Any advice?  I've tried asking him not to brag/tell these stories, but he forgets.  Every year for the past  5 years or so this V-day fight happens and it's gotten where I dred the holiday.  I thought he had made good this year, but I learned last night that I was wrong.  I really don't know what to do.

by on Feb. 11, 2011 at 11:49 PM
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Replies (1-5):
JennyMarie
by on Feb. 11, 2011 at 11:53 PM

I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry that you have to deal with that. That would upset me so bad to.

Meggie-May
by on Feb. 12, 2011 at 12:28 AM

That's tough! 

As far as the sex thing goes.. the first thing that came to mind was that he actually CARES about you, so he doesn't want you to get hurt (like on the motorcycle) ...but then, the more I thought about it -it does sort of sound like a fabricated story, because I don't know how that would actually work Without killing yourselves. Lol.. but hey, maybe!  ... but sex in the bathroom... like a public restroom?  The only thing I can think as to why he's not doing this with you is maybe he really is making this stuff up to impress you.. like what a stud he was back in the day or to impress his buddies and maybe the reality is he ISN'T that big of a dare-devil. Lol... Maybe he wants you to believe he's this big toughy, when he really isn't --it's not that unusual for a guy to do if you think about it. :)

About not taking his own Valentine's Day advice... I would really express to him how much it would mean to you for him to make it a big deal.  And I would definitely remind him, like now, that he only has a couple days to do something special. Maybe tell him what you would really enjoy.. like a candlelit dinner at home or whatever.. give him a hint, and I'd keep it simple..

OR maybe you can do something for him & not really expect anything back this year .. and do something for him just because .. something he'll really like & something he definitely won't forget. Maybe he'll remember next year how special you made it for him and want to return the favor.. just a thought.. 

I think his story-telling is probably just part of who he is.  I have a DH who is similar.. mine tells stories all the time.. all his friends call him "the story-teller".. he tells the best stories, but sometimes I really question the weight his stories hold. But that's why we all love him.. he's funny, a show off, and can tell an amazing story..

Anyways, I hope that things will start to look up for you & your DH. I'm sorry that you're going through this! 

court_1989
by on Feb. 12, 2011 at 9:02 AM

Tell him how it makes you feel.

suziq1982
by on Feb. 12, 2011 at 9:13 AM

I would sit down and have a long talk with him. Tell him the stories bother you and hurt you. Good Luck to you and I'm sorry that you are going thru this.

deeraq
by on Feb. 12, 2011 at 12:09 PM

Without going into detail, I know how u feel. It does hurt. Even if it is fabricated because u really don't know if it is or not. So the only thing that sticks to the mind is what he is telling u and yes it does hurt. Gotta tell him how this makes u feel.

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