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For those who got cheated on...I need advice! (sorry it's a long story)

Posted by on Feb. 20, 2011 at 11:10 AM
  • 38 Replies
I need some advice who you ladies. Here's the story...I've been with my SO for almost five years and we have two children together. We went though a lot through those years. His mother passed, we both lost our jobs at different times, his ex tried to get him thrown in jail, and we were there for each other. He doesnt make a lot money due to his employer screwing him and the economy, so i am the one mainly paying bills until he gets his raise. I was not the perfect girlfriend those years either. I've never cheated on him or anything, but I had some issues that placed me in a bad light. I lied to him about things, said that I will do one thing but didn't do it, and I wasn't there for him emotionally. He loved me with everything, and looked at me as the perfect woman. So with me doing these things to him and taking him for granted changed him. He wasn't happy, so his feelings became numb so he wouldn't hurt so bad. I've changed now, and the woman that he wanted he has, but to him it seems like it's too late and he exhausted too much time and energy for it. Plus he believes that I'll eventually go back to my old ways like I usually do. But it's been over a year now. We had a real deep conversation two nights ago about what I did these past years and I told him that the person I was always lived in the moment and that I never thought about any reactions. I told him that I needed a wake up call to get myself together (which was when he told me a year ago that he almost had sex with an ex). Ever since then I've been making changes. I suspected that he cheated on me because now he has female friends out of nowhere. Two nights ago he revealed to me that he cheated on me five times last October while I was pregnant, with the same woman. He paid for it too. Then he revealed that he had decided to always have different girls on the side in case I hurt him again. He liked the attention he was getting from other women since i wasnt giving it to him. He also was going to pursue a coworker. He had tears in his eyes and he told me that he cheated so he can feel better and get revenge on me but he ended up feeling worse. He wants to be with me and he always wanted things to back to when we first dated and before all the downfalls. I felt like I was an episode of Maury. I then revealed to him that I was planning on proposing to him on our five year anniversary and show to him how much I wanted to change for him. He felt worse and said that he's willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. I know he really means it, and he's been moping about it because he doesnt want me to leave and that he loves me so much.

Sorry this is so long but i wanted to give the backstory to this. My question is, how can I get past the fact that he cheated five times and paid for sex? How can we move on from this? He cheated with a random girl. But I look at him sometimes and get angry. I'm not hurt by the fact that he cheated because of what i did to him, I'm hurt that he did it five times and he paid for it. I need some help, especially from the
women who are married, because I'll be thinking about it when we get married.
by on Feb. 20, 2011 at 11:10 AM
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Replies (1-10):
battlemom49
by on Feb. 20, 2011 at 11:31 AM

Getting over it will be hard and will take time, lot's of time. Consider counseling. It has been over a year for me and I'm still not better. But, I try every day and each one that goes by it gets a little easier. Good luck, if you love each other as much as you say, you will succeed.

suziq1982
by on Feb. 20, 2011 at 11:43 AM

I personally have never stayed with a cheater. My ex husband was abusive to me physically and emotionally. If he was willing to change I think I could have gotten past the physical abuse. Its the emotional abuse I couldn't have moved on from. The years of emotional hurt he caused me would have never went away and I would have stayed because I don't believe in divorce but he wouldn't change or stop drinking. I truly do believe that eventually you both could heal the hurt. I do believe it will take many years of a good honest relationship but also years of counseling. I wish you all the luck in healing your relationship.

ChrissyReznor
by on Feb. 20, 2011 at 11:52 AM

i don't have experience on being cheated on but i suggest u work everything out BEFORE u get married.i know some people think getting married will fix the problem.

melly_v88
by on Feb. 20, 2011 at 11:54 AM
its not easy to get over, but to move forward is to let go of the past. Forgive him, expect change and trust your love for each other. that's how I'm dealing, and he's helping with changing himself for me. Counseling may help but its not our thing.
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chaslee
by Bronze Member on Feb. 20, 2011 at 12:00 PM

I have never been in your situation, so I can not give any advise, but I commend you on wanting to work this out, I know it cannot be easy.  Best wishes to both of you.

Jaiclark
by on Feb. 20, 2011 at 1:12 PM
Quoting suziq1982:

I personally have never stayed with a cheater. My ex husband was abusive to me physically and emotionally. If he was willing to change I think I could have gotten past the physical abuse. Its the emotional abuse I couldn't have moved on from. The years of emotional hurt he caused me would have never went away and I would have stayed because I don't believe in divorce but he wouldn't change or stop drinking. I truly do believe that eventually you both could heal the hurt. I do believe it will take many years of a good honest relationship but also years of counseling. I wish you all the luck in healing your relationship.




I'm sorry to hear what you went through. I've never stayed with a cheater until now. Thank you for your wishes.
Jaiclark
by on Feb. 20, 2011 at 1:49 PM
Thanks for the advice so far ladies. I know that it's going to hard to get past, but we love each other very much. I might consider counseling but I think that we have to be honest and open with each other. I think that we will be able to get pass this if we work hard at it.
HollyHawk333
by on Feb. 20, 2011 at 5:29 PM
I agree with this. Dh did cheat on me and it took a long time to get back to where we are now. I still have days of mistrust an hurt. But make sure handle these emotions before you get married. We didn't and everything magnified once we said our i dos. So please deal with all this before you add anything else to your plate.


Quoting ChrissyReznor:

i don't have experience on being cheated on but i suggest u work everything out BEFORE u get married.i know some people think getting married will fix the problem.


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.Sugaree.
by on Feb. 20, 2011 at 5:34 PM
Wow, I'm so sorry. I don't think I could have moved on in that situation. The reason I have been able to is that it was a one night stand (and not even that bc he was too drunk to have sex) and we dd t know the woman, and it wasn't planned out or anything. If he actively PLANNED to go out looking to get some, and then KNOWINGLY did it, I couldn't get past that. Especially multiple times bc then he obviously wasn't sorry he did it the first time. I have no advice on that, think if he is a multiple cheater then he probably will always be :(
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Lucky2BaMomof2
by Bronze Member on Feb. 20, 2011 at 5:35 PM

im no help. . . i am over it, but i cant forgive him. .. hes hurt me too much.  . . . . but i wanted to say good luck!

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