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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

It's not him, it's really me....?

Posted by on Feb. 24, 2011 at 4:04 PM
  • 4 Replies

My DH and I have been fighting non-stop and are talking about divorce because neither of us can stand it anymore. I really love him and do not want to separate. His actions lately have been unacceptable and he has been blatantly disrespecting me. For example, I work full time and he is a full time student and lives the life of one! We have two DD age 4 and 3. He goes out drinking at least 2-3 times a week, if not more and at least once a month he doesn't come home til the next afternoon. I know that he is not cheating on me, he is just out with his younger single friends that have the energy to actually stay up all night! However, I am not innocent at all! I fight back and tend to start arguments over petty situations. The more I think about how childish my actions have been, the more I think this is all my fault. If I didn't nag he wouldn't want to drink as much, but I can't help it. I'm exhausted and I never get a break! It has been almost a year since I have gone out alone for more than a trip to Target!

Why can't I let the little things go? Why can't I just not care about what he is doing and let him be the fool? The stress and resentment is making me physically sick. I feel totally lost and can't talk to anyone about it because none of my close friends are married or are in relationships that don't have problems like this!


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by on Feb. 24, 2011 at 4:04 PM
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Replies (1-4):
RutterMama
by on Feb. 24, 2011 at 4:14 PM

The people we love the most are the ones that get under our skin the most. Plain & simple.

My advice: Stop the divorce talk. There is no abuse, no need for it. I HIGHLY recommend this book... it WILL change the way you think.

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I'm a proud breastfeeding (but don't bash those who don't), circumcising for health reasons, pro-CIO, vaccinating, disposable diapering, pro-life, meat & chocolate eating, Southern Christian Mama!



Denisia1989
by Denisia on Feb. 24, 2011 at 4:16 PM

I know how u feel, kinda. My DH use to fight all the time when we were living under the same roof. Him n i both would pick at each other over the lil stuff. We separated last Sept, n we seemed to get along a lil better. We are divorcing each other ( he filed n our first hearing he didnt show) because we cant work being Married. We love each other, we care abt each other, n we want to be together, we just have issues towork out n we might even try n stay together after the divorce is final, because we work alot better bf/gf. Plus we married too fast. I dont want a divorce but i agree with him on us getting along better bf/gf because i dont want to fight with him all time n we tend to do that when were married. Hes also not ready to give up his freedom 100% yet. He wants to hang with his friends all the time n wants to do what he wants. Plus right now he cant finantally support the 3 of us( we have an almost 1 yr old dd).

CarrieZack
by on Feb. 24, 2011 at 4:17 PM

I work full-time and my husband is a full-time student. He lives the life of one, too. He gets to work out in the middle of the day and once a month he spends the weekend with his friends playing games all night long (comes home in the wee hours). We have a 2 year old daughter.

However, he does stay home during the weekend days for at least part of the day (between studying and such) so he can spend time with us. He thinks of us and takes us into consideration asking if I need him to do anything. If my daughter wouldn't freak out, he would totally stay home with her while I went out (but I don't really want to go out at night or weekends alone...if I need me time I use vacation time while she's at daycare).

I used to always keep thinking it was so unfair and I really wanted to nag him. But I was too afraid that I would just make things worse. Eventually I did talk to him about it a little bit as well as me just realizing that if I want to do something I must make it happen for myself and not resent his having fun and me being lonely and tired and bored.

So I decided to go back to school and now I feel alive and like I can do anything again. My husband stayed at home with our daughter one night a week while I went to class this fall. This current semester, my mom is staying home with our daughter one night a week (hubby's class is at the same time as mine, so we drive to class together).

If you really think you share some of the blame and you want to stop nagging, you need to have a civil conversation about your feelings and what would make you happy. Make a plan and support one another's fun. If you can't do that then you don't have a marriage partnership and you're not showing love for one another.

Best wishes to you as you move forward!

mmama0619
by on Feb. 24, 2011 at 5:14 PM
Ok first u r not wrong, to me it seems like he's using u for a place to stay n money, he goes out with single men, come on, no good can come out of a married man going out with single men, if he goes out at all it should b with other married men, or u, he seems very disrespectful to u, it's ok for him to go out once in a while, n he should never stay out that late, if I were u I would think he is cheating, n it is not fair to u that u never get some alone time, to me he seems like he wants to b free, n he isn't even thinking bout how his actions r making u feel, he's not listening to u, n he seems not to care, maybe u should try to get some help, n maybe when he's out u could get a babysitter for ur self n go out! Take a stand n put ur foot down! U need to take control, he is not acting like a married man at all! Good luck with what ever u do.
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