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My husband is a good man.

Posted by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 10:56 PM
  • 13 Replies

When a terminally sick loved one starts to decline they really start declining. It's fast and without notice.


One day they get this burst of wind and energy. Just like their old selves. This wind is deception though. In truth it could be their last before the final countdown. This is what the doctors don't tell you. That this final burst of energy is only the beginning of the end. Instead of telling you the truth, they let you hang on to hope with all your might. Thinking, just maybe, just maybe.


Reality sits in today. My very special loved one (This person has not yet announced things to everyone, so to keep from spilling the beans, or causing family drama, I will say loved one for now, until they tell the rest of the family first), is about to tank out on us.


There's an infection brewing in her lungs. On top of that she is having multi organ failure. Kidneys are going, and now she's hooked up to that machine, her liver is apparently at 50%. Reality sits in more. 


Standing in a hall way, I learn this. Standing in a hallway holding my 5 month old child, I realize this loved one, may not make it to see him turn 1, she'll be lucky to see him hit 6 months at the end of the month.


As I sat quietly on the drive home; pain, frustration, anger, sadness all roars inside me. My husband desperately trying to find the right words of wisdom and comfort, I slip in and out of consciousness. I barely know my child in the back seat jabbering, and playing to himself. 


One right after another, a wave of shock, followed by disbelief, followed by sadness, then anger, then frustration. One by one, they rip through me. One by one, I fear the most. I fear, any day now, I will get THAT call. One by one, They send tears, of all sorts.


I have heard that when you are dying, you see your life flash before you eyes. However what they don't tell you is that your loved ones, lives with you flash before their lives. 


I start seeing my earliest memories with this loved one. I start remembering Christmas's of childhood passed. I'm filled with Ghost, of should have's, could have's, and want to's. Is this really the end? This can't be happening. No, no, someone pinch me, wake me up, and let me know it was just a really bad dream.


The shock starts to wear off a little bit. Then open the gates here it comes. What am I mourning for? She hasn't passed yet? There's still hope still! Right? It isn't over until the fat lady sings, and she hasn't yet! But yet, I'm mourning. I sit here thinking, to myself, "Why me God. Why her? Why does Jayden not get to know the ONE "G" that wants to know him and love him, and be there in his life? Why not So and so, who could give two cents about him?" 


I find myself bargaining with God. I find myself trying to make a deal with God, so that he doesn't take her. "Take me instead" is what I want to say. However, I don't. Because it would be far worse to leave my husband alone in this world with out son, and my son without a mother. "What can I give you God, to leave her be, until a ripe old age?" 


Are these words falling onto deaf ears? Impossible, I know He is there. He is everywhere. I know He is listening to me, but why wont He answer me?


Is this just a preparation for whats to come in the end? Or is it the real deal? Is it just a low? How am I suppose to know?


Instead, I sit here. Waiting, patiently. Waiting. What else can I do.


I wanna feel numb, but I can't. I have a husband who needs his wife, and a child who needs his mommy. So what do I do? What else can I do?


I start to think, am I going to be okay? Is it going to be painful for her? How can I stop it? How can I make her okay? How can I comfort her? How is this fair? 


Indeed, I sit here, after feeding my son, pushing around some food on my dinner plate, I play with him, and watch him play a tad bit. I sit here after bathing him, folding all the laundry and doing the dishes,  I sit here after laying him peacefully in bed. I just sit here and wonder.... Why us God? Why now? Why?


It's hard not to think about the future, when the future may not exist. It's hard not to cram as much time into a small amount of time, when time may stop.


Please God, Please, hear my prayer. Not yet. Just give us a little more time. Please, Not yet. 


That's what is on my heart today. Have a good night.


So what did my husband end up doing. Just let me cry, right into his shoulder, hold me, and love on me as best as he can do. He went right through the emotions with me. What a great man he is. He also took over daddy mode full force tonight to let me grieve. 


                                         

                                  

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by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 10:56 PM
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Replies (1-10):
RutterMama
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 11:21 PM
Very awesome husband!
You described what I am going through with my grandma. She has 3 malignant brain tumors... Only weeks left to live. I lost my parents as A teenager. I am sad and angry that none of them will know my children.

I am so sorry you are going through this!!
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mcclellanlass
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 11:36 PM


Quoting RutterMama:

Very awesome husband!
You described what I am going through with my grandma. She has 3 malignant brain tumors... Only weeks left to live. I lost my parents as A teenager. I am sad and angry that none of them will know my children.

I am so sorry you are going through this!!

Thank you.


It's my mother. We found out of her colon cancer the day we found out we were pregnant with my son in January of 2010. She's been fighting. She fought to see him born. She's fighting to make it to his first birthday in September. She's fighting. I keep hoping she pulls through this.


They've done all the surgries, treatments, chemos they can. It's grown, every where. It touches just about every part of her body now. 


I worry I'm not strong enough for this.


I'm a first time mother, and I need my mother for help and guidence. I depend on her so much to help me when I'm frusterated, tired, or sad. I need her. 


And my husband just tries. He just sits here and tries to comfort me. I tell him that I appreciate it. and He tells me I can cry, I don't have to be so strong. He can handle Jayden, if I need to just take a shower and cry. I really love this man with all my heart. 


                                         

                                  

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Ladywithtwo
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 11:39 PM
I'm sorry. I know I would be lost without my mom, I hate that you are going through this :(
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mcclellanlass
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 11:45 PM

Thank you.

ShannaBee
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 11:57 PM
I'm sorry. I'm glad you have a supportive husband to help you through.
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mcclellanlass
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 11:58 PM

thank you. I'm so blessed he is. 

AnGLInterrupted
by Kendall on Mar. 3, 2011 at 12:07 AM

I'm so sorry sweetie!  [hugs]  I can only imagine what you're going through.  :(  My heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you and your family.

emeraldangel20
by on Mar. 3, 2011 at 12:10 AM

your story makes me weep. i am so sorry and i know there is nothing i can really say to take the pain away. the most we can do is try to be there for you in this dificult time. i'll pray

SareyF
by on Mar. 3, 2011 at 12:11 AM
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine losing my mother though I know it's an inevitability. I watched my grandmother slowly die starting with colon cancer, then her lungs, organ failure, etc. It is so incredibly painful seeing them fade right before your very eyes and yearning for more time. The grieving starts before they are even gone but pease do try to take hold of every moment you have left and cherish it. Remember her as she was before she was sick. I just hope that you find comfort and peace. In the end it helped me to know she wasn't suffering anymore..
Again, I'm so sorry.
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Amyelitza69
by on Mar. 3, 2011 at 12:26 AM

You had an awesome husband. I read your story and I get speechless. I lost an Aunt last Monday, and she was like a second mom to me. But let me share with you what happen last Sunday to me when I was at church with my children. She was very important to me and I can't make it to her funeral, because we are in the States and this happen in our country (Puerto Rico), and having 3 kids, two dogs, and a house, it was impossible to me to go. But I cry a lot last week that I feel I can't see because my eyes was so swollen. Well, when I went to church the first thing I pray was for her, and at the end of mass, I continue praying and I feel a soft hand that touch my back like my Aunt use to do, to tell me that everything it was going to be OK......And immediately my eyes start to fill with tears, I feel a big sensation to cry and not stop, and I don't even know why?! Well, after that I sit and think that God let my Aunt to show me that where she is, she is OK and happy.....I feel much better since then. I know that I will truly going to miss her too much, but she give me a touch and tell me that she was good where she is at.

Is hard to have a situation like yours, but all I can tell you is enjoy, make her happy, and let your baby to know her.....Take a lot of picture of your baby with her, that way you one day will tell him how important she was in your and his life. I hope everything go well and your mom can see your baby turn his #1. You have a good husband that is always there for you and be there to comfort you when you need it. You have a beautiful family, may God help you and give you strength to go through this process.........

Quoting mcclellanlass:


Quoting RutterMama:

Very awesome husband!
You described what I am going through with my grandma. She has 3 malignant brain tumors... Only weeks left to live. I lost my parents as A teenager. I am sad and angry that none of them will know my children.

I am so sorry you are going through this!!

Thank you.


It's my mother. We found out of her colon cancer the day we found out we were pregnant with my son in January of 2010. She's been fighting. She fought to see him born. She's fighting to make it to his first birthday in September. She's fighting. I keep hoping she pulls through this.


They've done all the surgries, treatments, chemos they can. It's grown, every where. It touches just about every part of her body now. 


I worry I'm not strong enough for this.


I'm a first time mother, and I need my mother for help and guidence. I depend on her so much to help me when I'm frusterated, tired, or sad. I need her. 


And my husband just tries. He just sits here and tries to comfort me. I tell him that I appreciate it. and He tells me I can cry, I don't have to be so strong. He can handle Jayden, if I need to just take a shower and cry. I really love this man with all my heart. 


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