Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Getting past resentment

Posted by on Mar. 19, 2011 at 10:48 AM
  • 7 Replies

 So how do you get past resentment?  I've been married almost 3 years, in this realtionship for close to 11.  We've had some VERY rocky times...mostly due to addisctions, bi-polor, and just plain a**hole behavior.  Somehow through it all I've chosen to stick around and I truly do want to continue.  In the past 6 months he's made some life changes (sobor first & foremost) and for the most part things seem to be better.  But we still fight, a lot.  I think most of it stems from me not really being able to get past the past.  So I ask...how do you get "over it"?

by on Mar. 19, 2011 at 10:48 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-7):
ShannaBee
by on Mar. 19, 2011 at 10:49 AM
Honestly I don't know as I hold alot of resentment too. Some things I just can't let go and I get angry thinking about it.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
BonitaM
by Ruby Member on Mar. 19, 2011 at 10:59 AM

I say talk about it and admit that you are holding some resentment.  Him proving to you that he's changed and time will make it go away. I'm not typically a resentful person but he is and he's definitely not a talker so I do have to pull every word out of his mouth.  We've gotten past a lot of things by just admitting that it still bothers us and acknowledging one anothers feelings.  Also being there fore eachother and encouraging the good changes that are being made and calling out the bad ones.  It has led us to many fights but with each fight some progress was made if that makes any sense.

AnGLInterrupted
by Kendall on Mar. 19, 2011 at 3:31 PM

It just takes time.  Time heals all wounds.  So cliche, but still.  And as long as he's "on the wagon" with his attitude, addictions, etc..  continue to be supportive and give him the benefit of a doubt!  [hugs]

Emerald_storm01
by on Mar. 19, 2011 at 3:35 PM

Let your walls down for your husband.  TRUST HIM..  I just went through the exact same thing, and did the exact opposite (almost) of what I am telling you.  My husband moved out last week and it is my fault because I didn't trust his intentions.

CameronsMommy23
by on Mar. 19, 2011 at 3:39 PM
I'm a bit of a resentful person myself but I think maybe if you keep supporting his positive changes and do something for yourself you will eventually get past it! Good luck!
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Mandee83
by on Mar. 19, 2011 at 5:46 PM

 I agree

Quoting AnGLInterrupted:

It just takes time.  Time heals all wounds.  So cliche, but still.  And as long as he's "on the wagon" with his attitude, addictions, etc..  continue to be supportive and give him the benefit of a doubt!  [hugs]

 

SlightlyPerfect
by Slightly Perfect on Mar. 19, 2011 at 7:12 PM

You're talking about what I call resentment triggers. And you have to know what causes your resentment, so the next time you're faced with a trigger, your DH can respond appropriately.

Like, if he cheated on you with some chick named Sue, and you both go out one night for dinner and your server's name is Sue, he needs to recognize that right away, acknowledge the situation, validate your feelings, and help lead you through it.

So, for example, at the dinner table, once the server is gone, he needs to recognize what her name was, acknowledge his recognition, take your hand, and say something validating, like, "I know that time I cheated on you really upset you. I can't apologize enough for it. But I am here with you now in this moment. How are you feeling?" Then you have to be honest with your response. You both discuss, and then he leads you back to dinner.

Make sense? So the next time there is a resentment trigger, he needs to follow those steps.

But the trick to it is that he needs to know from you what your triggers are, so you have to be able to communicate that to him, and he has to be receptive to it.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN