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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Need advise about DH & his female boss/partner....*Update*

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My DH & his boss work hand-in-hand with each other for the small company they have.  He's not technically a "partner" but she treats him like one w/ all the responsibilties etc but not the pay. Lol. K?


Well, ever since he started working for her, she has always come up w/ excuses to pay him a few days to a week late.  He got his money but then she would be in the hole again the next time to pay him etc etc.  It has gotten sooooo bad with him & added responsibilities b/c a co-worker quit b/c of money.  Still, no pay increase for an added job he has to do now.  :(


I'm so hurt & crying b/c we have a DD that had to give up gymnastics due to these money issues.  It just breaks my heart but I know sometimes cutting costs helps alot & so on!  When I talk to DD about the money & how much she owes him, he blows up in my face verbally saying he's getting it, and getting it.  Buuuuuut, when he told me today that she hasn't paid him for almost 4 weeks (this Fri), I almost lost my lunch.  I asked him what was the hold up and why so long and he yelled at me again saying he'll figure it out w/ her & she keeps promising to pay him. Huh??!!  K, maybe he's having "man syndrome" & being the man of the house etc & has alot of feelings going thru him but his boss also knows that we are pregnant & due in a few months, so ever little bit counts w/ us. 


Yesterday & today are perfect examples.....  She wanted to go talk w/ some clients etc & he went w/ her )like their always together)....another day...LOL.  Anyways, while I was dealing w/ a 10yr old getting 4 teeth worked on, they come pulling up in her truck laughing, smoking cig's, etc in my face.  I smile but turn the other way.  She obviously had a conscience b/c she called my DH later & asked him if I was mad at her..... FOR WHAT???  Unless you feel guilty about something, then why ask!!!!  So then this morning, she calls him & they have to go out AGAIN.... but she asks if he can drive his truck...  I told him we have NO money for gas if she's not going to pay you.  Soooo....he blew up on me again.  I just watched him sit outside for 30 mins waiting on her so he wouldn't be around me. 


*I'm Crying*  I have no idea what is going on w/ our household & marriage anymore!!!  I feel like he likes being w/ her b/c they're always laughing etc w/ each other & not me anymore......  I'm so lost & crushed inside. 

*UPDATE*
He came home upset w/ me b/c he said I'm an embarrasment to him. I guess he said that b/c when we talked earlier, I told him to "Grow a pair" & tell her regardless of his "PRIDE" & demand his money or I will call her myself (since we know each other & our families) & ask what is going on & I'll tell her about our money situation. He didn't like that so much & said he's done w/ me & wants a divorce & for me to find someone that has "A pair". Ohhhh boy!


 


 

by on Mar. 30, 2011 at 3:02 PM
Replies (31-40):
Mom2Kyle03
by Member on Apr. 1, 2011 at 1:27 PM

well from my experience it is a sign that the company is going out of business when they can't pay their employees and are just trying to tie up the loose ends before going belly up. He needs to leave NOW and find a new job. He can collect unemployment and not be working for ZERO money. As far as him wanting a divorce, he may have just said that in anger (but I don;t know him). Financial stress brings out the worst in people and makes them do crazy things. Best of luck to you....

countrygirlkat
by on Apr. 1, 2011 at 1:37 PM

 You may not want to hear my advice because many people will not agree with me, especially with how liberal CM is, but I am much more conservative so here it is.  I think you have over stepped your bounds with your DH and you need to do a lot of apologizing and a lot of changing how you think and react to him and his world.  I very much understand how you would be upset and frustrated about him not getting paid on time.  That is a given.  You have already let him know that it worries you though and that you aren't sure what to do with money right now.  That is as far as you needed to go.  Then he needed to figure it out.  He is the head of the house and he is the one providing for your family.  You attacking him about his work and paycheck is a slap in the face to him saying you don't think he can provide for you.  If you are truly out of money you need to let him know and ask him what he thinks you all should do and then let him make the decision for your family and you need to be fine with it.  You threatening to call his boss is out of line in any situation because a it is never a spouse's place to call their partner's boss about anything to do with work.  You need to let him know your concerns and then listen to his plan and go with it.  He is working hard to provide for you, let him do it without insulting him. 

countrygirlkat
by on Apr. 1, 2011 at 1:43 PM

 Slow down here, you are way jumping to conclusions.  Do you know how common UTI's are during pregnancy and that there are many, many woman who have a UTI throughout the whole pregnancy because of their body's inability to get over it completely while pregnant?  It has nothing to do with hygiene, std's or anything.  It has to do with pregnancy and the bladder being pushed on constantly by the uterus and baby and all of that.  If you want ot accuse him of cheating at least make sure you have a valid reason and real proof to accuse him, not a bladder infection caused by pregnancy. 

Quoting Vegasmom78:

I had to go to my ob appt this morning & was real nervous b/c I cant get over a UTI that turned into my kidneys & pretty much told him that somethings def wrong w/ this picture. I understand they can be common in pregnancy but made me open my eyes to think that maybeeeee he is the dirty one & passing bacteria to me. I wash like crazy & have more than higher hygiene habits, especially being pregnant & it dawned on me that maybe he has done the deed w/ her & coming home to me. Uggghhhh.....GROSS!!!! So..... I cut him off completely, of course & told him to go to the clinic & get STD and HIV tests done before he even thinks of touching me again! Plus today & every appt I've had for the baby, he has never went to b/c he says he's tooooo busy w/ work. MY ASS!!!!!

Bottom line is ladies, I get my strength from my DD & talking w/ you fine ladies. Regardless the outcome, I have my health, strength, and love/support that is my savior. I will not ever be one of those people to feel that they are "Stuck" b/c of children or finances. The children dont need that kind of negativity in their lives. :)

 

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BluEyedCrazy
by on Apr. 1, 2011 at 1:49 PM

Sounds like his boss is more than a boss :( That is so sad for you. Best of luck hun.

Vegasmom78
by on Apr. 1, 2011 at 2:11 PM
Before you jump on me & start accusing me of being an unsupportive wife, then fall into that situation where your wondering how your going to feed your child & not urself half the time, keep electricity on etc. As his wife... I have EVERY right in the world to know how my child is going to eat etc. For you to tell me to apologize alot to him for overstepping the boundaries.....What boundaries?? Of wondering about money? Let me tell you...... I have ALWAYS WORKED (up to 2 jobs at once), even when he was too lazy for 2 years to get a job & have kept this family/household together. And its all b/c its a "just do" role to survive. I recently haven't had a job (I get unemployment still), b/c of a high-risk pregnancy! There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for anyone to KEEP WORKING & being taken for granted of and not be paid for over month and him not look for another job or means of money. I help my mother out b/c of her health right now & her store she own's by whatever I can do, so my "Role" as a wife/daughter/mother are met & exceeded. It's not like I'm sitting at home holding my hand out for OUR families money & eating Bon Bon's.....you have me mistaken for Peggy Bundy! As far as attacking him.....who EVER said I attacked him? Your words! I have ALWAYS TRUSTED my DH & his decisions & hopes he figures things out. We dont live in the dark days anymore & a woman's/mother's/wife's role and rights are just as important as the next's person. One more thing....all I did was ask the ladies on here if they would call her or if I should. It was a question! Plus....if I wanted to contact her (we use to hang out), I would already have b/c HE'S my DH and SHE'S F#cking up our families bills and food!


Quoting countrygirlkat:

 You may not want to hear my advice because many people will not agree with me, especially with how liberal CM is, but I am much more conservative so here it is.  I think you have over stepped your bounds with your DH and you need to do a lot of apologizing and a lot of changing how you think and react to him and his world.  I very much understand how you would be upset and frustrated about him not getting paid on time.  That is a given.  You have already let him know that it worries you though and that you aren't sure what to do with money right now.  That is as far as you needed to go.  Then he needed to figure it out.  He is the head of the house and he is the one providing for your family.  You attacking him about his work and paycheck is a slap in the face to him saying you don't think he can provide for you.  If you are truly out of money you need to let him know and ask him what he thinks you all should do and then let him make the decision for your family and you need to be fine with it.  You threatening to call his boss is out of line in any situation because a it is never a spouse's place to call their partner's boss about anything to do with work.  You need to let him know your concerns and then listen to his plan and go with it.  He is working hard to provide for you, let him do it without insulting him. 


countrygirlkat
by on Apr. 1, 2011 at 4:54 PM

 I never accused you of being unsupportive.  All I said is that if it really has gotten to the point where you have no money to survive you need to bring it to him and allow him to figure out what the next move to be.  You would be overstepping your boundries by calling his boss and complaining about money.  It is never a spouses place to interfere in the work place of their spouse regardless of if they know the boss or not.  If things are that bad with money right now you need to talk to him and help him understand and he needs to bring it up with her if anyone is going to.  Either that or he needs to figure out how to buy food without the money from her.  It sounds like he gets defensive though because each time you bring it up he feels attacked for not confronting her in the way you want.  If he doesn't want to confront her that way that is his progavite but then you and he need to figure out what other options there are for money. 

I find it highly offensive that you automatically assumed that I feel a wife has no say and should sit quietly like the "dark ages" or whatever you said.  I simply said that you need to work on it together without you interfering in his job.  He probably already feels bad about not being able to provide the extras for your family like the gymnastics.  Every man wants to be able to tell their wife or child sure when they want something special.  So when money is brought up he gets to feeling so guilty it comes out as him being defensive.  I was simply saying if you approach it more in a lets look at this and figure it out manner instead of a why isn't this fixed manner he will be more receptive to working through it because his guilt won't get in the way.

Quoting Vegasmom78:

Before you jump on me & start accusing me of being an unsupportive wife, then fall into that situation where your wondering how your going to feed your child & not urself half the time, keep electricity on etc. As his wife... I have EVERY right in the world to know how my child is going to eat etc. For you to tell me to apologize alot to him for overstepping the boundaries.....What boundaries?? Of wondering about money? Let me tell you...... I have ALWAYS WORKED (up to 2 jobs at once), even when he was too lazy for 2 years to get a job & have kept this family/household together. And its all b/c its a "just do" role to survive. I recently haven't had a job (I get unemployment still), b/c of a high-risk pregnancy! There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for anyone to KEEP WORKING & being taken for granted of and not be paid for over month and him not look for another job or means of money. I help my mother out b/c of her health right now & her store she own's by whatever I can do, so my "Role" as a wife/daughter/mother are met & exceeded. It's not like I'm sitting at home holding my hand out for OUR families money & eating Bon Bon's.....you have me mistaken for Peggy Bundy! As far as attacking him.....who EVER said I attacked him? Your words! I have ALWAYS TRUSTED my DH & his decisions & hopes he figures things out. We dont live in the dark days anymore & a woman's/mother's/wife's role and rights are just as important as the next's person. One more thing....all I did was ask the ladies on here if they would call her or if I should. It was a question! Plus....if I wanted to contact her (we use to hang out), I would already have b/c HE'S my DH and SHE'S F#cking up our families bills and food!


Quoting countrygirlkat:

 You may not want to hear my advice because many people will not agree with me, especially with how liberal CM is, but I am much more conservative so here it is.  I think you have over stepped your bounds with your DH and you need to do a lot of apologizing and a lot of changing how you think and react to him and his world.  I very much understand how you would be upset and frustrated about him not getting paid on time.  That is a given.  You have already let him know that it worries you though and that you aren't sure what to do with money right now.  That is as far as you needed to go.  Then he needed to figure it out.  He is the head of the house and he is the one providing for your family.  You attacking him about his work and paycheck is a slap in the face to him saying you don't think he can provide for you.  If you are truly out of money you need to let him know and ask him what he thinks you all should do and then let him make the decision for your family and you need to be fine with it.  You threatening to call his boss is out of line in any situation because a it is never a spouse's place to call their partner's boss about anything to do with work.  You need to let him know your concerns and then listen to his plan and go with it.  He is working hard to provide for you, let him do it without insulting him. 


 

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court_1989
by on Apr. 1, 2011 at 5:13 PM

 Jeez! Something not right

mommyhonu
by Bronze Member on Apr. 1, 2011 at 5:45 PM

 ((((hugs)))) sorry that you are going thru this. I wish I had the words of wisdom to make everything all better for you.

Hottmomma607
by Trica on Apr. 1, 2011 at 9:24 PM

Oh sorry read the update!! I really wish you the best!!

SlightlyPerfect
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5 nominations, and my answer is still no.
Yesterday at 9:03 AM
by Slightly Perfect on Apr. 1, 2011 at 9:38 PM

I totally get where you are coming from, but reading your post, it sounds like you subconsciously think they're sexual with one another. Or at least on the brink of it. Or maybe you are imagining things because you're with your kids and trying to focus on them, but that also gives you time to let your mind wander.

If this is the only thing that has pushed your DH to a divorce--your telling him to "grow a pair"--it may be you hit one of his insecurities. After all, it's difficult for men to deal with a female boss. It just is. especially a boss who can manipulate an employee like this (because most paychecks are based on credit anyway, not a profit-funded checking account). He may feel off because he is navigating fairly new territory and doesn't feel grounded or secure.

He may feel he needs to treat her differently because she is a woman. Maybe she throws tears around. Maybe she acts hurt or wounded. I have no idea why, but dudes who are not in a sexual relationship with a woman--for whatever reason--can't deal with a "vulnerable" woman in a supervisory role.

So your calling him out on what you consider to be emasculation is now a double hit--first with himself and how he feels guilty around her, and now you see it, too.

Or maybe he really is banging her.

You have to find out which case it is. And I may be totally wrong, but I imagine it's either insecurities or sexual issues causing this (and maybe there is overlap).

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