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can someone tell me how this is fair VENT LONG

Posted by on May. 21, 2011 at 11:09 AM
  • 15 Replies

Backstory:  My dh and I have been married just over 5 years and had our 3rd baby this past January.  Dh is active duty Army and has PTSD from 2 tours to Iraq.  Our whole marriage we have fought and argued.  There is some verbal and emotional abuse on both sides but nothing was ever physical.  At the end of March dh threatened suicide,I called 911 and he was admitted to a treatment facility for 2 weeks.  Those whole 2 weeks he was telling me I was his rock and he couldn't get through this without me.  He came home for 2 weeks,and things were weird.  The second week he was home we had started to get in an argument and I asked him to leave,just so that we could cool down.  In his head I was kicking him out of the house.  So he threw a fit and left,after he left he attempted suicide...but got help before anything serious happened.  I was not notified of this until 10 hours AFTER he was already admitted to another facility.  He told his SGT  that he didn't want me to call or visit him and that I needed to call my mom and let her know what was going on and make arrangements for the kids and I to move back up to Kansas with her.  2 days later dh called me from the facility and said the marriage is over for him.  We fight all the time and he's tired of it and doesn't want the kids around it anymore. I agree that the fighting is old and that the kids don't need to be around it anymore.  However I also feel like there are worse things we could be exposing them to.  He said the best thing for the kids is for us to divorce,he work on dealing with his PTSD and getting better mentally and then shipping the kids back and forth between us.  I think the best thing is for us to separate,we both have personal issues to deal with so we need time apart to work on ourselves and then come back together and work on the marriage and be the couple we deserve to be and give our kids the parents and home life they deserve.  I finally got him to agree to the separation,and ever since he has been pretty bipolar with our whole situation.  He moved out 3 weeks ago and one day he'll come over and everything is normal,the next time he comes over he hates me and picks fights. 

This past Tuesday was the 11 year anniversary of the death of my firstborn.  Dh came over and said that he lost all those husband/wife feelings for me and that he just wants to go file but he knows that's not fair to me.  So he told me to take the kids and go up to Kansas for the summer,come back down to Texas in time to get the boys in school and then we'll get into counseling.  He has been against counseling the whole time.  He said a lot of ugly is gonna come out and he can't promise anything good will come of it.  But that he at least wants to figure out why he lost those feelings for me and he has a sliver of hope that makes him want to see if we can at least find a way to possibly fix things.

We only have 1 car and when all this started his SGTs all said that I have the kids I get the car.  Dh is living in a barracks room literally 100 feet from where all his doctor appts are and 100 feet from where he works.  He has kept the car pretty much the whole time.  If I need the car I have to call him and tell him why I need it,half the time he just wants to run the errand for me and not give me the car.  I told him that his SGTs said I have the kids I get the car and he says that's not fair to him.  I'm sick of having to as permission to get the car that my name is on too. I'm a SAHM and he does earn the money that makes the car payment but I'm the one that makes sure it gets paid. He's been fighting me on me taking the car this summer.  He says that I have my mom and my sisters so I don't need the car.  Well they all work so I'd be in the same situation I am here...having to do my errands and what not on someone else's schedule.  Plus all my friends live in other towns.  The last time I was up there with no car I was trapped in my parents house the whole time.  If I wanted to borrow a car to go see friends it was like I was 16 again.  I had to ask permission,tell them where I was going,and be back at a certain time. 

So on Thursday he said that I could take the car with me.  He said that he's gonna get himself a bike to ride to and from work. After I leave he's gonna move back into our house.  Everybody was happy.  He came over last night and said that a different SGT said it was gonna be  problem for dh to be without a car incase they need him to run an errand for work.  So now he's back to fighting me on who gets the car and I really think he's using the Army as an excuse.  He was in the Army for 2 1/2 years before I came along,and he didn't get his drivers license until 2 months AFTER we got married.  If he got by for that long then I think he can get by now.  They can have someone else that does have a car run the errand.  He keeps throwing in my face that he's the one that pays the bill for it so his say is the final say.  Do you think that's fair?  We can't afford a second car payment and have no money in savings so getting another vehicle is out of the question.



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by on May. 21, 2011 at 11:09 AM
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Replies (1-10):
kpolitte
by on May. 21, 2011 at 11:23 AM

Im so sorry you are going through this.... This is my # 1 fear about my dh, he is getting deployed in oct. and I am so scared this will happen but he assures me that it wont and I believe him b/c everytime he has been deployed he always is fine when he comes home... However my cousin has done 7 tours in Iraq and Afg. he ended up getting his bff killed b/c he was goofing off while on duty. He is fine now but went through counseling for it, and named his first son after him... I think it depends on the person as to how they recover, I would leave and give it some time but also have his sgts keep a close eye on him! and call you monthly to let you know how he really is doing. Sometimes it takes years for soldiers to recover! Just do whats best for you and your dd, and hopefully he will figure his life out soon!!!!

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oaknaydsmom
by on May. 21, 2011 at 11:36 AM

My post is really about what is fair as far as the vehicle goes...I gave backstory to give a better idea of what's going on.

Quoting kpolitte:

Im so sorry you are going through this.... This is my # 1 fear about my dh, he is getting deployed in oct. and I am so scared this will happen but he assures me that it wont and I believe him b/c everytime he has been deployed he always is fine when he comes home... However my cousin has done 7 tours in Iraq and Afg. he ended up getting his bff killed b/c he was goofing off while on duty. He is fine now but went through counseling for it, and named his first son after him... I think it depends on the person as to how they recover, I would leave and give it some time but also have his sgts keep a close eye on him! and call you monthly to let you know how he really is doing. Sometimes it takes years for soldiers to recover! Just do whats best for you and your dd, and hopefully he will figure his life out soon!!!!


sew4fun
by on May. 21, 2011 at 12:32 PM

 Girl I dont know honestly. I do not think you shoudl have to beg for the car and taht you do need it to do errands and such but he should have it to . Maybe some sort of schedule would work ? Where you get the car on certin days ?

oaknaydsmom
by on May. 21, 2011 at 12:36 PM

For 2 weeks we were suppose to make a schedule for the car..but he would pick a fight and leave before we ever got around to it.  The thing is in 3 weeks I'm going out of state for the summer.  He's in the Army and he has to put in leave 30 days in advance and get it approved before he can go more then 250 miles away from post.  The whole fight is over who's getting the car over the summer and what is fair.  He only thinks something is fair if it favors him and works out best for him.

Quoting sew4fun:

 Girl I dont know honestly. I do not think you shoudl have to beg for the car and taht you do need it to do errands and such but he should have it to . Maybe some sort of schedule would work ? Where you get the car on certin days ?


Bird16_J
by on May. 21, 2011 at 12:41 PM

I'm sorry he sounds selfish and a complete asshole. Take the car and go home then me personally I wouldn't have a damn thing to do with him and I would file for divorce. He sounds like a dick and is using his PTSD to his advantage. Which isn't good nor is it right. Had he truly wanted to fix things he would've tried counseling a long time ago

Deb79
by on May. 21, 2011 at 12:48 PM
What an ass just take the damn car end of discussion. You have the kids and he is telling you to leave for the summer how are you suppose to get there? yeah you need to need to get away from him he has issues!
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my3boys886
by on May. 21, 2011 at 4:13 PM
Just like my husband divorce soon mine wont clean,play with kids,pay no bills all the time angry left the baby at home forgets to kids at school I drive 30 min for 1 kid cant get back to pick up the other 2 he is not friendly wakes up raging tried to cut his wrist in the kitchen kids in next room pls lady move on like me .good luck message me if u like.
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sew4fun
by on May. 23, 2011 at 10:44 PM

Ok if it is for the whole summer , I dont know. If he has someone that can loan him a car or take him to run errands then he shouldnt need a car, you are the one that is going out of town with the KIDS. But if he does not you will be with family so you could borrow a car. Or you could have him give you money to rent a car if needed a few days at a time.

Quoting oaknaydsmom:

For 2 weeks we were suppose to make a schedule for the car..but he would pick a fight and leave before we ever got around to it.  The thing is in 3 weeks I'm going out of state for the summer.  He's in the Army and he has to put in leave 30 days in advance and get it approved before he can go more then 250 miles away from post.  The whole fight is over who's getting the car over the summer and what is fair.  He only thinks something is fair if it favors him and works out best for him.

Quoting sew4fun:

 Girl I dont know honestly. I do not think you shoudl have to beg for the car and taht you do need it to do errands and such but he should have it to . Maybe some sort of schedule would work ? Where you get the car on certin days ?








Ladywithtwo
by on May. 23, 2011 at 10:51 PM
You need the car more.
But really that shouldn't be the main focus of your problems. Your DH needs to get better and it's going to take time. If he is anything like my DH (with PTSD) it may take years to even begin to get back to normal. You need to focus on what is best for your entire family (including him) and not hyperfocus on things like the car. Look at the big picture.
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Ladywithtwo
by on May. 23, 2011 at 10:53 PM
Also, to the women saying he's being an ass: Yeah he is. But unless you have ever dealt with someone with PTSD you have NO idea. You wouldn't call someone with a mental handicap an ass right? It's the same.
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