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I want to get married, but I don't know if he ever will.

Posted by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:25 PM
  • 9 Replies

We've only been together for a year and a half, but we've been through so much already.  His kids have problems, his mother had surgery, dealing with his ex-wife, a tragedy in our community, losses in our families.  It's like we've been through several years of things in a year.  We've never had an argument.  We get along wonderfully.  I look forward to seeing him every time and I can't imagine life without him.  Neither of us wear our hearts on our sleeves, but our actions show each other how we feel.  I know he loves me, it doesn't need to come out of his mouth. 
After a year and a half, I brought up in conversation "If we were married..."  He didn't entertain the idea of being married, he never mentions the "m" word. I don't want to be a lifetime girlfriend, but I don't want to be apart from him.  It would crush me to be without him in my life.  I know he is probably very cautious because he had a nasty divorce, but I'm not her.  I am the polar opposite of her. 
Has anyone had a BF with these issues?  Do they ever come to their senses and realize what they have?  What can I do to make him realize he will lose me if he won't marry me?

by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:25 PM
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Replies (1-9):
Hottmomma607
by Trica on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:44 PM

I dont any advice but here is a bump for you!

Mommajub
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 11:19 PM

Sorry no advice, but BUMP for ya

Nicollea
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 11:20 PM

It sounds like he is not ready yet for marriage, give it some time because i know that family tragedy brings a lot of stress on him even though he or you might now show it.  I would not jump into marriage after year and half only, you two need more time than that to get to know each other completely.  I would give it another year and see what happens then.  I know it is tough but hang in there, its better to wait than to jump into marriage to figure out a couple years later things are not working out for him.  I hope everything works out in your favor though.  Good luck :)

bjmoore17
by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 7:48 AM

Thanks everyone.  I don't want to rush into anything and I'm having a good time getting to know him better.  I'm just anxious.  I noticed on a post where someone asked the question "How did you meet your husband?", the people that responded were saying they were married for 17 years and together for 20, so people are giving it time and a year and a half is nothing yet.  He's good to me and I'm not willing to call it quits becuase I'm not getting what I want right now, like a child.  I am, however, willing to wait on him because he is the best thing that has ever happened to me in a relationship. 
Just wish he was a widower... ;)

worcgrl20
by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 7:56 AM

My husband came out of a nasty divorce too.. ( she is not the nicest person i have ever met) they also share two kids together.. it took him awhile to even say "i want to be with you" lol long story short we are now married and have two girls.. maybe he just needs time some people take longer than others.. i NEVER thought he wanted to get married again or have kids.. which would have been a deal breaker for me.. but he may surprise you.. good luck!

SlightlyPerfect
by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 9:53 AM

What would marriage give you that a long-term relationship wouldn't?

slightlyperfect

bjmoore17
by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 10:06 AM

I've dated people for the last 15 years.  If they want to leave, they leave.  They weren't committed to me anyway.  When a person decides to marry someone, they are saying "I want to be with you and you only and I'm making a commitment to do that".  When your just living with someone, there is no binding commitment.  I feel like the reason they don't commit to you is because they don't want to be with you.
Being married would give us both security.  I need the commitment from him.  I feel like if a person doesn't want to marry you, then they aren't taking you seriously enough.  This is morbid, but when he dies and we're not married, I get nothing for the rest of my life.  His kids would get everything.  If we're married, then I have some security as I get older. 

SlightlyPerfect
by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 10:17 AM

Yeah, but you can always leave a marriage. Marriage, I don't think, symbolizes any real commitment if you define it as just "something to make it more difficult to leave me." That commitment is inherent in the relationship itself long before a marriage comes to fruition. Commitment is a matter of will, not legality.

And he can draft his will to include you. Likewise, the "I want to be with you and you only and I'm making a commitment to do that" can be done in a long-term relationship, so I'm not sure what difference marriage would make for you if these are your reasons for wanting it.

Quoting bjmoore17:

I've dated people for the last 15 years.  If they want to leave, they leave.  They weren't committed to me anyway.  When a person decides to marry someone, they are saying "I want to be with you and you only and I'm making a commitment to do that".  When your just living with someone, there is no binding commitment.  I feel like the reason they don't commit to you is because they don't want to be with you.
Being married would give us both security.  I need the commitment from him.  I feel like if a person doesn't want to marry you, then they aren't taking you seriously enough.  This is morbid, but when he dies and we're not married, I get nothing for the rest of my life.  His kids would get everything.  If we're married, then I have some security as I get older. 


slightlyperfect

bjmoore17
by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 11:07 AM

You have a good point.  I have always been the type of girl that NEVER wanted to get married...EVER.  Then this guys comes along...   I feel like I just need to be with him.  He had to move back in with his parents after his nasty divorce 4 years ago.  I own my home and I won't let him live there until I have a ring on my finger.  I'm afraid to move him in because then he'll never marry me.  I just need it.  I need to be married.  Being unmarried makes me feel like I'm not good enough.  I don't have any single friends AT ALL.  Everyone around me is married.  I don't want this just to fit in, I feel like its who I am supposed to be.   

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