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At 16... (an extension)

Posted by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 10:59 PM
  • 5 Replies

So I asked you ladies the other day what you would say to your 16-year-old self if you could give her one piece of advice, and based on all the answers (and I read every one of them), I think it came down to one thing:

confidence

Whether it was academic (Get a degree!), social (Don't date that guy!), or familial (Listen to your mom!), we all basically told our 16-year-old selves to be confident.

Yet none of us really told our younger, impressionable selves how or why to do that.

So I have two questions for you ladies:

(1) How can we develop self-confidence in our children? Because it's not enough to tell them what to do; we have to tell them why to do it and how to do it--especially when it comes to romantic relationships.

(2) At 16, it's going to take a lot to break old habits or change patterns. So let's start younger. For the moms here who want their children to have this self-esteem and this confidence, what can we do to instill that at a younger age? We want it so that at 16 it won't be such an obstacle for them to overcome, so that they will get a degree, they won't date that guy, and they will listen to us!

slightlyperfect

by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 10:59 PM
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Replies (1-5):
mrs_smiph
by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 11:17 PM

With my DD, I never lie to her.  Never.  Not even about silly small stuff.  She knows that I don't lie (or omit or stretch the truth) and she trusts me for that.  It's important that I get her to trust me so our bond will last.  She also knows that she can ask/tell me anything and I react in a calm manner.  I am not dismissive with the questions/concerns that she brings up.  I let her know that her thoughts are important to me.  I believe (hope) that she will continue to bring her thoughts to me as she gets older.  She's 7 now.

In the last post, I said that I would tell my 16 year-old self to live for God in all areas of life.  With DD, we read the Bible and pray every night.  We talk about God around the dinner table and in daily conversations.  She asks questions about the Bible and we (DH and I) elaborate on scriptures.  We encourage her to read the scriptures for herself and don't only go by what people say about that particular scripture.  We're setting a godly example for her and know that she already has a good foundation in Christ.  I know she won't be perfect in her walk with God but she will always know where to turn when times get rough.  She also knows it's important to choose a mate (when she's older) based on his/her (yes, I said "his/her" because we don't know which she will choose) relationship with God.  Why?  Because with God, nothing is impossible.  How?  Pray and read the Bible daily.  We let her know that it's definitely okay to make mistakes and God loves us more than anyone in our lives.  We teach her about people in the church who may hurt her (because Christians aren't perfect) and how to deal in those situations.  She also knows how important it is to learn from parents' mistakes and to start off where we left off in the world so that she won't make the same mistakes.  It sounds like a lot for a 7 year-old but it's all the first steps in our parenting.  We build onto lessons as she gets older.   

Anryan
by Platinum Member on Aug. 20, 2011 at 12:34 AM


Quoting SlightlyPerfect:

So I asked you ladies the other day what you would say to your 16-year-old self if you could give her one piece of advice, and based on all the answers (and I read every one of them), I think it came down to one thing:

confidence

Whether it was academic (Get a degree!), social (Don't date that guy!), or familial (Listen to your mom!), we all basically told our 16-year-old selves to be confident.

Yet none of us really told our younger, impressionable selves how or why to do that.

So I have two questions for you ladies:

(1) How can we develop self-confidence in our children? Because it's not enough to tell them what to do; we have to tell them why to do it and how to do it--especially when it comes to romantic relationships.

imho children learn by example as much as what they are taught verbally.  My daughter, who is now 11, was talking to my roomate (who was packing to go camping) and asked her if she was all packed.  Roomate said yes she was and morgan said "do you have food?" roomate said no, morgan said "do you have a gun, there are mountain lions in the mountians? do you have laterns?" when roomate answered no she said "well i guess you will be hungry and defensless when that bear shows up in the dark" and walked away.  The confidence to speak her mind comes from watching her mother (me) speak her mind and get treated with respect.  My roomate, 10 minutes later, comes to morgan and asks her to help her finish packing. My daughter watches her parents and our SO"s interact with respect and love to one another and acts the same way. Therefore she is treated the same way.  This makes her behaviors more adult then alot of 11 yr olds and people comment on that to her, which oh wait reinforces that confidence.  She doesn't have a mother that argues with her father all the time, she doesn't have a mother that obsesses over weight gain, she is watching healthy relationships and forming the same habits.

(2) At 16, it's going to take a lot to break old habits or change patterns. So let's start younger. For the moms here who want their children to have this self-esteem and this confidence, what can we do to instill that at a younger age? We want it so that at 16 it won't be such an obstacle for them to overcome, so that they will get a degree, they won't date that guy, and they will listen to us!

I started talking to my kids as adults from the time they were born.  I explain things to them when they ask, no matter what the topic.  It builds trust an confididence in themselves when they are able to ask and get an honest answer.  When it comes to sex, it is up front with facts as well as things like "sex is enjoyable and more so when you are with someone you love" etc.  When it comes to education it is you can do whatever you put your mind to...if you want it bad enough go for it don't let someone get in your way with thier opinions because that is thier opinion and not fact.  For example, my daughter has wanted to be a mechanic since she was 4, so my husband has let her help work on cars since then.  She knows she can do it and she knows what she is doing.  When it comes to relationships i tell them both "it is easy to get caught up in new wonderful feelings but if they don't treat you with respect,compassin and care walk away". Again all things they see at home....

Just my 2 cents....and a pic of my baby girl doing what she loves :O)


Anryan


jmom1984
by on Aug. 20, 2011 at 3:32 PM

what will you tell her if she asks you whether god exists? how do you know god exists? what evidence would yuo give her? should she take everyting on faith? when should she use faith to udnerstand the world?

Quoting mrs_smiph:

With my DD, I never lie to her.  Never.  Not even about silly small stuff.  She knows that I don't lie (or omit or stretch the truth) and she trusts me for that.  It's important that I get her to trust me so our bond will last.  She also knows that she can ask/tell me anything and I react in a calm manner.  I am not dismissive with the questions/concerns that she brings up.  I let her know that her thoughts are important to me.  I believe (hope) that she will continue to bring her thoughts to me as she gets older.  She's 7 now.

In the last post, I said that I would tell my 16 year-old self to live for God in all areas of life.  With DD, we read the Bible and pray every night.  We talk about God around the dinner table and in daily conversations.  She asks questions about the Bible and we (DH and I) elaborate on scriptures.  We encourage her to read the scriptures for herself and don't only go by what people say about that particular scripture.  We're setting a godly example for her and know that she already has a good foundation in Christ.  I know she won't be perfect in her walk with God but she will always know where to turn when times get rough.  She also knows it's important to choose a mate (when she's older) based on his/her (yes, I said "his/her" because we don't know which she will choose) relationship with God.  Why?  Because with God, nothing is impossible.  How?  Pray and read the Bible daily.  We let her know that it's definitely okay to make mistakes and God loves us more than anyone in our lives.  We teach her about people in the church who may hurt her (because Christians aren't perfect) and how to deal in those situations.  She also knows how important it is to learn from parents' mistakes and to start off where we left off in the world so that she won't make the same mistakes.  It sounds like a lot for a 7 year-old but it's all the first steps in our parenting.  We build onto lessons as she gets older.   


lfrrll5
by on Aug. 20, 2011 at 3:42 PM

I love your view on this and your daughter reminds me of me at her age. I am 25 now and till love love love to be doing just that. Its fun and now I get guys look at me funny when they realise I know more than they thought lol

Quoting Anryan:


Quoting SlightlyPerfect:

So I asked you ladies the other day what you would say to your 16-year-old self if you could give her one piece of advice, and based on all the answers (and I read every one of them), I think it came down to one thing:

confidence

Whether it was academic (Get a degree!), social (Don't date that guy!), or familial (Listen to your mom!), we all basically told our 16-year-old selves to be confident.

Yet none of us really told our younger, impressionable selves how or why to do that.

So I have two questions for you ladies:

(1) How can we develop self-confidence in our children? Because it's not enough to tell them what to do; we have to tell them why to do it and how to do it--especially when it comes to romantic relationships.

imho children learn by example as much as what they are taught verbally.  My daughter, who is now 11, was talking to my roomate (who was packing to go camping) and asked her if she was all packed.  Roomate said yes she was and morgan said "do you have food?" roomate said no, morgan said "do you have a gun, there are mountain lions in the mountians? do you have laterns?" when roomate answered no she said "well i guess you will be hungry and defensless when that bear shows up in the dark" and walked away.  The confidence to speak her mind comes from watching her mother (me) speak her mind and get treated with respect.  My roomate, 10 minutes later, comes to morgan and asks her to help her finish packing. My daughter watches her parents and our SO"s interact with respect and love to one another and acts the same way. Therefore she is treated the same way.  This makes her behaviors more adult then alot of 11 yr olds and people comment on that to her, which oh wait reinforces that confidence.  She doesn't have a mother that argues with her father all the time, she doesn't have a mother that obsesses over weight gain, she is watching healthy relationships and forming the same habits.

(2) At 16, it's going to take a lot to break old habits or change patterns. So let's start younger. For the moms here who want their children to have this self-esteem and this confidence, what can we do to instill that at a younger age? We want it so that at 16 it won't be such an obstacle for them to overcome, so that they will get a degree, they won't date that guy, and they will listen to us!

I started talking to my kids as adults from the time they were born.  I explain things to them when they ask, no matter what the topic.  It builds trust an confididence in themselves when they are able to ask and get an honest answer.  When it comes to sex, it is up front with facts as well as things like "sex is enjoyable and more so when you are with someone you love" etc.  When it comes to education it is you can do whatever you put your mind to...if you want it bad enough go for it don't let someone get in your way with thier opinions because that is thier opinion and not fact.  For example, my daughter has wanted to be a mechanic since she was 4, so my husband has let her help work on cars since then.  She knows she can do it and she knows what she is doing.  When it comes to relationships i tell them both "it is easy to get caught up in new wonderful feelings but if they don't treat you with respect,compassin and care walk away". Again all things they see at home....

Just my 2 cents....and a pic of my baby girl doing what she loves :O)


Anryan


mrs_smiph
by on Aug. 20, 2011 at 4:01 PM

I would let her know that she has to feel God for herself in order to truly know that He exists.  I know He is real because He has touched my life in so many ways.  I can feel His presence.  I want her to be wise enough to explore on her own and not just take the words of others as truth.  Faith is important but it makes it more than just that when you feel His touch.  I want her to know that she should explore all religions.  It's not about religion to me.  It's about what one feels is right for them.  I believe in loving people and accepting all ways of life.  God helps me with that.  I know many Christians who live by non-acceptance.  I think beliefs should be about supporting one's community and meeting the needs of others around you.  My belief in God is right for me because I have had supernatural experiences with him.  She has witnessed these experiences and that's important to me.

Quoting jmom1984:

what will you tell her if she asks you whether god exists? how do you know god exists? what evidence would yuo give her? should she take everyting on faith? when should she use faith to udnerstand the world?

Quoting mrs_smiph:

With my DD, I never lie to her.  Never.  Not even about silly small stuff.  She knows that I don't lie (or omit or stretch the truth) and she trusts me for that.  It's important that I get her to trust me so our bond will last.  She also knows that she can ask/tell me anything and I react in a calm manner.  I am not dismissive with the questions/concerns that she brings up.  I let her know that her thoughts are important to me.  I believe (hope) that she will continue to bring her thoughts to me as she gets older.  She's 7 now.

In the last post, I said that I would tell my 16 year-old self to live for God in all areas of life.  With DD, we read the Bible and pray every night.  We talk about God around the dinner table and in daily conversations.  She asks questions about the Bible and we (DH and I) elaborate on scriptures.  We encourage her to read the scriptures for herself and don't only go by what people say about that particular scripture.  We're setting a godly example for her and know that she already has a good foundation in Christ.  I know she won't be perfect in her walk with God but she will always know where to turn when times get rough.  She also knows it's important to choose a mate (when she's older) based on his/her (yes, I said "his/her" because we don't know which she will choose) relationship with God.  Why?  Because with God, nothing is impossible.  How?  Pray and read the Bible daily.  We let her know that it's definitely okay to make mistakes and God loves us more than anyone in our lives.  We teach her about people in the church who may hurt her (because Christians aren't perfect) and how to deal in those situations.  She also knows how important it is to learn from parents' mistakes and to start off where we left off in the world so that she won't make the same mistakes.  It sounds like a lot for a 7 year-old but it's all the first steps in our parenting.  We build onto lessons as she gets older.   



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