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He Brings Me Down

Posted by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 10:47 PM
  • 10 Replies

I have been with my husband for 18 years, since the age of 15. We have been married for 10. I am a SAHM with two children. For the last 4  years I have been severely depressed. I have taken several medications with only a ton of weight gain to show for it. Lately I am beginning to feel my husband is to blame for my moods. For example today was a good day for me. I was energized, happy and positive until he got home from work. Then he began his usual interrogation of me. " Did you go to the GYM today? Did You look for a job today?What did you do today?" He never has anything positive to say to me unless he wants to get laid. I feel like he has all the control in the marriage. I have mentioned my unhappyness with him before and he says if I want I can leave but to leave the kids with him because as he put it " I have(referring to himself) what it takes to be a single parent but you don't." I have sacrificed so much for him. Now I feel helpless because I am stuck. I have limited work experience and no family around to help. We were happy once upon a time. I am not sure what happened.

by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 10:47 PM
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by Trica on Nov. 10, 2011 at 12:21 AM
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Sorry you are going through this! Its dishearten that he is using your kids as a bargaining chip to "hold" onto you!! You might wanna try some counseling(alone),then a marriage counselor. Good luck!

by on Nov. 10, 2011 at 12:24 AM
I'm so sorry! I would also try marriage counseling.
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by on Nov. 10, 2011 at 12:27 AM
Yeah, I know what you mean, but here is
the trick: be happy with yourself! Tell yourself daily affirmations, go to the gym for yourself not for him, and soon you'll feel more confident. Chat with people at the gym, store, childs school, interact and find a passion for yourself. Slowly you'll get your grove back
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by on Nov. 10, 2011 at 12:29 AM
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by on Nov. 10, 2011 at 12:33 AM


that sucks.. i would totally leave if i was you, he has nothing nice to say as the looks of it, if ur not happy i wouldnt even waste my time, you would get half of everything anyways with the divorce, depending on if he made u sign something before gettin married.. so hes wrong for saying he would do good as a single parent. believe me you'll be much happier without him and his negativeness.

by on Nov. 10, 2011 at 12:49 AM

I would go file for temp custody and leave.  I am in the almost same situation except when I got married he quit working I feel totally betrayed and I am ready for divorce and I have 3 children 1 his, 2 previous marriage....

I have told him crap doesn't change by February I am out of here. I am done feeling crappy and depressed and like you on antidepressents and gaining weight...

I love my anti depressents and would stay on them after we split but I feel cheated it sucks you are going through this but if its taking a toll on your mental state then I would start working to get out...

I know i am... Best wishes hun! ((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

by Bianca Lina on Nov. 10, 2011 at 4:40 AM
Sorry! If your unhappy and willing and hes willing to make it work, then i suggest marriage counseling

If not.....

If you are unhappy and want to get out of it, i suggest you try to get a job asap so u can leave WITH your kids.
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by on Nov. 10, 2011 at 7:30 AM

I was in a similar situation with my first husband. I didn't have the depression but everything that ever went wrong in his life or ours together was my fault. I was never good enough, never did enough & he had a tendency to make me feel like the third wheel when we went out in public. I hadn't worked in several years & he resented me for it. One day I just decided enough was enough. I found a job, went to work everyday, tended to my 1 child at that time & left his miserable ass about a year later when I knew I could do it all on my own. I'm not telling you this because I think you should leave your husband, I'm telling  you because we all have what it takes to be independent. Sometimes we just loose it & have to figure out how to get it back.

Good luck Mama

by on Nov. 10, 2011 at 7:40 AM

I feel for you so bad..... If I was in your shoes.... first thing is make yourself happy with you again. If you dont nothing will make you happy. Counseling prolly wont do a damn thing because he sounds very arrogant and thinks nothing is wrong in his world. Its all about him. F@#* him...... You live for you make yourself happy, find your independence, Build your self confidence... As soon as you do that you will realize that he is insecure about himself not you!  You Go Girl!!!!!! Its all inside you find it and run with it!

by on Nov. 10, 2011 at 11:48 AM

I feel like I could have written this, almost word for word. I met my husband when I was 15. We have been officially together only 9 years, married 7 with two children. We have had A LOT of ups and downs but the worst of it has been since I got pregnant with our youngest. Both he and I have suffered from depression on and off throughout. He is almost always. Every time I'd be picking myself up, every time I'd be finally getting to a better place, he'd come in to the picture and make me feel bad about myself. I hate to say it, but sometimes he'd come home from work and immediately the whole mood of the house would change and I would wish he would leave again. He'd be sweeter to me if he wanted something but then would be an ass to me as soon as he got it. He's almost always pessimistic. He seems content to not change himself, feels helpless when it comes to bettering himself and our life, where I'm always growing and looking to better our lives with the understanding that many things are in my control.

My mom gave me a wonderful piece of advice and I'll share it with you.

You can do bad on your own. And you can do wonderfully on your own. Your quality of life is not dependent on him unless you choose for it to be. You are strong. Within you is limitless potential; potential to be independent, to better yourself, to be happy, to raise amazing and productive people, and whatever else you need and desire. If you aren't ready to give up on the relationship, at least do yourself this favor: Be the best you can be. Seek happiness for you and your children. Let that be your focus. Try to let his bs slide right off you, as hard as it is. Calmly let him know you don't appreciate his crud and then move on to something else. Ignore him if he doesn't want to be an active, productive, loving family member. Do things to make you feel good about yourself for yourself and for the example you give your children. Get dolled up and revel in your hotness. Go out. Smile. Start building yourself up, building your skills. Maybe go back to school and/or get a job. Get to a point where you can stand on your own two feet with or without him. Let HIM make the choice of whether he is going to do this right and man up and love you right. But put a time limit on how long he has to get it together. If he starts coming around and you want him to, start working on strengthening your marriage but maintain your independence. If you two end (you're not as trapped as you may feel), you can absolutely file for custody and be a single parent. Just start getting your ducks in a row.

I have gone back to school. I have been rocking my role as a mom. I am giving my best to everything. I am feeling great about myself and my kids. I am building my skills, building my confidence and self worth. I know now that I can survive without him. I can give my kids all they need. I am still an active part of my marriage but I'm not killing myself over his hurtful crap anymore because it takes two and I can't make him be or do anything! He's coming around and treating me better, and in return he sees my positive response. When he tries to pull something, he sees that I'm not going to keep dealing with it. I think he's seeing that while I couldn't help falling in love with him, my staying with him is a choice I make and I absolutely can change my mind. He's seeing what all I do for this family and realizing that he doesn't want it to end. I meant my vows and will stay with him for better and worse, sickness and health, etc. but nowhere in there does it say I have to live the rest of my life miserably or subject myself to his emotional abuse and manipulations. I'm on the edge, teetering here watching him, waiting to see which way I need to go.

Sorry for the book, but I hope this helps.

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