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Only a man would do this (long but very funny!)

Posted by on Nov. 18, 2011 at 7:20 AM
  • 20 Replies
2 moms liked this

Pocket tazer stun gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket tazer for thier anniversary tells this story: 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000 volt pocket/purse sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...? WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was dissapointed. I learned however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot on the face of her microwave is.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in the other. The directions said that a 1 second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a 2 second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a 3 second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than 3 seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself 'no possible way'! What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,'reasoning that a 1 second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.I decided to give myself a 1 second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD... WEAPONS OF MASS DISTRUCTIONS...WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the  recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet over, and over, and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a 1 second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it dislodges from your hand by the violent thrashing about on the floor. A 3 second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time seemed to stand still at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it had originally been. My tricepts, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped myself, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

by on Nov. 18, 2011 at 7:20 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Nov. 18, 2011 at 7:25 AM

 too funny! :)

by on Nov. 18, 2011 at 7:29 AM
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by Michele on Nov. 18, 2011 at 7:44 AM

Thanks for the morning laugh!!!

by on Nov. 18, 2011 at 8:28 AM
Lmao that's great
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by on Nov. 18, 2011 at 8:40 AM

Quoting Gmgej:

Thanks for the morning laugh!!!

by Ruby Member on Nov. 18, 2011 at 8:47 AM
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by Kendall on Nov. 18, 2011 at 9:50 AM

Haha...  that's hilarious.

by Ruby Member on Nov. 18, 2011 at 9:55 AM

OMG....that's just way too funny.  Especially since DH just wanted to buy me a tazer and of course try it out a few weeks ago. lmao

by Bronze Member on Nov. 18, 2011 at 10:00 AM

lol that is funny...=)

by on Nov. 18, 2011 at 10:00 AM

LMAO Too funny..

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