Ok, I'm new & this is my first post, but I'm really needing some advice. When my husband & I were together (before marriage & kids), I loved sex, felt comfy in my own body, found time for myself, loved dressing up & feeling sexy. Now, I have 2 kids full-time plus a step-daughter, oh, probably 80% of the time. Everybody is very young - 15 months, 5, and 9. After our first was born, I went back to work. After the second, I quit my job since childcare was so expensive. I adore my kids, don't get me wrong, and I love being "Mama". But I have found that I have become a hermit that is growing resentful & feeling she has sacrificed her entire life & personality to become caretaker to her family.
The biggest problem I'm having is that my husband loves sex - & wants it all the time. He wants the girl he fell in love with - the one that had lots of sexy lingerie, super high-heels, nice clothes/hair/make-up, toys, & liked to "play". I want that girl, too. However, I have no idea where she is under all the cookie smush, kid snot, pony-tail/baseball hat, exhaustion, shredded nerves......you get the picture.
So, how do you get that back? I used to be really open & relaxed & had fun. Lately, I've found myself to be depressed & too serious & really uncomfortable with my body & sexuality. Yes, I have talked to my doctor & am taking anti-depressants (low dosage). Yes, I understand that anti-depressants can effect libido. But this seems to be a psychological issue, and I don't have the funds to see a therapist at the moment.
My husband tells me over & over that he loves me & doesn't want anybody else, but I have this deep-seated fear that he's going to decide he needs that other girl I used to be & will leave, or worse supplement, if you get my drift.
I don't like the person I am now. I love my kids. I like being a mom. But I don't like this person I have become in the past few months, and I don't know how to get back to who I was. How do you do it? How do you reconcile that "Madonna/Whore" thing? I feel like I've sucked up my mom's "your a mother, you can't have fun & be wild & crazy anymore" philosophy.
How do we balance all this? How do I balance "Playful Adult" with "Responsible Mommy"? Any advice?