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How do you get it back? (Sorry, pretty long)

Posted by on Dec. 22, 2011 at 12:08 AM
  • 22 Replies

Ok, I'm new & this is my first post, but I'm really needing some advice.  When my husband & I were together (before marriage & kids), I loved sex, felt comfy in my own body, found time for myself, loved dressing up & feeling sexy.  Now, I have 2 kids full-time plus a step-daughter, oh, probably 80% of the time.  Everybody is very young - 15 months, 5, and 9.  After our first was born, I went back to work.  After the second, I quit my job since childcare was so expensive.  I adore my kids, don't get me wrong, and I love being "Mama".  But I have found that I have become a hermit that is growing resentful & feeling she has sacrificed her entire life & personality to become caretaker to her family.

The biggest problem I'm having is that my husband loves sex - & wants it all the time.  He wants the girl he fell in love with - the one that had lots of sexy lingerie, super high-heels, nice clothes/hair/make-up, toys, & liked to "play".  I want that girl, too.  However, I have no idea where she is under all the cookie smush, kid snot, pony-tail/baseball hat, exhaustion, shredded nerves......you get the picture.

So, how do you get that back?  I used to be really open & relaxed & had fun.  Lately, I've found myself to be depressed & too serious & really uncomfortable with my body & sexuality.  Yes, I have talked to my doctor & am taking anti-depressants (low dosage).  Yes, I understand that anti-depressants can effect libido.  But this seems to be a psychological issue, and I don't have the funds to see a therapist at the moment.

My husband tells me over & over that he loves me & doesn't want anybody else, but I have this deep-seated fear that he's going to decide he needs that other girl I used to be & will leave, or worse supplement, if you get my drift.

I don't like the person I am now.  I love my kids.  I like being a mom.  But I don't like this person I have become in the past few months, and I don't know how to get back to who I was.  How do you do it?  How do you reconcile that "Madonna/Whore" thing?  I feel like I've sucked up my mom's "your a mother, you can't have fun & be wild & crazy anymore" philosophy.

How do we balance all this?  How do I balance "Playful Adult" with "Responsible Mommy"?  Any advice?

 

by on Dec. 22, 2011 at 12:08 AM
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Replies (1-10):
lillybug222
by Silver Member on Dec. 22, 2011 at 12:59 AM
3 moms liked this
Start by making time for you.

Get your hair done. Get your nails done. Buy one outfit you feel great wearing. Buy a new piece of lingerie (I'm a plus size woman & wear lingerie for my husband--you can do it!)

Schedule a recurring date night with your husband. Actually schedule it.

Schedule a weekly time for you do have some time for yourself.

Exercise. Eat healthy. Sleep 8 hours a night.

You can't be the mom or wife you want to be if you're not taking care of yourself. Taking care of you is not selfish! I'm learning this lesson right now, too.

If you are Christian, pray about it. Make time to read your Bible. If you have a smartphone, download the you version bible & choose a relevant bible study to focus on!

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tyanneS
by on Dec. 22, 2011 at 1:10 AM
What you posted is exactly how I feel! Lately I have been doing my hair and make up and getting dressed even if I don't want to! Try to have some adult time! We watch shows together at home, babysitters are pricey and we don't really have the extra money to go out! After the kids are asleep lay together naked!! He will appreciate the little extra effort! Good luck
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PartyGalAnne
by on Dec. 22, 2011 at 1:38 AM

Give it time. You don't need therapy. It's something that every mom goes through!

BaileynMe
by on Dec. 22, 2011 at 2:39 AM
Get out of the house,
Mommy. Force yourself to put together a girls' night with some friends (cuz trust me, it might take some forcing when you feel you can't sacrifice an evening) or to go out to lunch once a week or to go get your nails done... Whatever it takes, as lOng as you're in the company of other adults with no kids for an hour or so. I'm just now starting to get my sexy back... I stayed home with my daughter while I was in school, hoping for a better job when I got done, and getting said job has been the best thing for me. Just being in the presence of other adults kid-free, even if it's just in the workplace, has made a ton of difference. It's helped me to remember how to be an individual, not JUST Susie homemaker who adores her kids and husband but who has lost her identity as a woman.

Seriously, whatever it takes to get out for kid-free time, do it.
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MissyMom3
by on Dec. 22, 2011 at 2:37 PM

OMG, Ladies, Thanks for the input!  I was starting to feel like I'm going crazy.  I don't have babysitters b/c everybody I trust with my kids lives far away or has her hands full with her own kids.  Unfortunately, most of the moms of my kid's friends are much younger than me (I started a bit late), and the other adults I know my age have kids that are in their teens & can watch themselves, so it's hard finding a group we fit in with.  I am trying to get more involved in my church, which is fortunately very pro-women, and am thinking of trying to go back to school &/or get at least a part-time job so I can get out of the house. 

I'm trying to get my sexy back, but am just struggling right now.  I'm not ok with my body or my sexuality, and that is soooooooooo not the chick I used to be.  I'll keep plugging away.

Thanks so much.  Really.  It does help to know I'm not just a hopeless loser who can't get it together.  I always feel like I'm failing where other moms make it look so easy.  Glad to know it really is as hard as I feel it is.

Sarcasimom
by on Dec. 22, 2011 at 6:11 PM

I'm going through issues myself. 

I do notice when I actually get up and get myself dressed, hair done and make up on I do feel so much better. 

Also, you should have you time. Whether you have your dh watch them for a little bit, or you do something for yourself while they're in bed. As long as it's something YOU enjoy. 

For me, I could just go get a coffee and sit in silence for an hour and it's help me clear my head and feel better. 

I also need to start exersizing. I know that will help!

Good luck, you're not alone! 

CDMelty
by Bronze Member on Dec. 22, 2011 at 6:21 PM
1 mom liked this

This is probably an unpopular opinion, but I think that trying to stay young and carefree forever just sets you up for failure. Unless you can afford all the nannies and botox and boob jobs the celebs can, you're going to get old someday. And if you're already worrying about not having enough super high heels, make up, and lingerie, what are you going to do when you're 70?  At some point, your husband has to accept that women with young kids are tired a lot and it affects sex drive, and that some day you will be back to your old self again and look back on this as a little rough patch you made it through.  But you can't go back to being who you were before kids, and no one should expect you to.

MissyMom3
by on Dec. 22, 2011 at 9:48 PM

Oh, but I'm not 70.  I'm only in my 30's.  I'm not trying to stay 20 forever.  I just don't want to feel like "robomom" all the time - like there's nothing to me but laundry, cooking, house cleaning & kids.  I don't want to be exactly who I was before kids, but I don't want to totally lose all of that person b/c there are parts of her I really like.  My husband is trying to be very patient & understanding, but he misses those parts of me, too.  The biggest problem is that I'm not happy with me - as a person, as a wife, or even as a mom.

I'm sorry if anybody else feels like me, but I'm sure glad I'm not alone.

rosie211
by Member on Dec. 23, 2011 at 11:26 AM
1 mom liked this

my responses are in blue/bold below

Quoting MissyMom3:

Ok, I'm new & this is my first post, but I'm really needing some advice.  When my husband & I were together (before marriage & kids), I loved sex, felt comfy in my own body, found time for myself, loved dressing up & feeling sexy. 

this is completely normal! when our lives are simple, the relationships are easier in certain ways

Now, I have 2 kids full-time plus a step-daughter, oh, probably 80% of the time.  Everybody is very young - 15 months, 5, and 9.  After our first was born, I went back to work.  After the second, I quit my job since childcare was so expensive.  I adore my kids, don't get me wrong, and I love being "Mama".  But I have found that I have become a hermit that is growing resentful & feeling she has sacrificed her entire life & personality to become caretaker to her family.

you went from no kids, to a toddler (busy busy!!) a 5 year old (very busy too!!) and a 9 year old (i have one right now, love this age, but it has it's tough times too). also, with having a small taste of the adult workworld and then coming back to stay at home mom had to be very difficult to say the least! i think alot of people have battled the same feelings!

So, how do you get that back?  I used to be really open & relaxed & had fun.  Lately, I've found myself to be depressed & too serious & really uncomfortable with my body & sexuality.  Yes, I have talked to my doctor & am taking anti-depressants (low dosage).  Yes, I understand that anti-depressants can effect libido.  But this seems to be a psychological issue, and I don't have the funds to see a therapist at the moment.

i used to be the same exact way! it is very difficult to ever really be who you were before your marriage and kids. people change, life changes, but we do have some control over how we deal with those things. the one thing that has helped me with my body image issues is mental work; you may not feel beautiful or even comfortable in your own skin, but you can change that!! you can't be hard on yourself!!! change your thought patterns; when you catch yourself with a negative thought, replace it with a positve one. after doing this for a long time, eventually you will be a more positive & happier person in general! 

My husband tells me over & over that he loves me & doesn't want anybody else, but I have this deep-seated fear that he's going to decide he needs that other girl I used to be & will leave, or worse supplement, if you get my drift.

you need to believe that he does & trust that he will not leave or stray. from what you wrote, it seems that your husband is supportive, which is great so you should take advantage of that. trust that he is behind you and don't let worries rule your mind or life!! you deserve happiness! and that includes in the bedroom. maybe your libido is not at the same point as his, but maybe you can meet in the middle. i agree with another reply that you should set a date night, or get new lingerie, anything to get the two of you together & alone. but try to mentally prepare yourself. you may not want sex right that minute, but maybe you could come up with something that would get you in the mood. would a backrub from hubby help, or a quite night without the kids? it's not something i can tell you, but something that works for you!

I don't like the person I am now.  I love my kids.  I like being a mom.  But I don't like this person I have become in the past few months, and I don't know how to get back to who I was.  How do you do it?  How do you reconcile that "Madonna/Whore" thing?  I feel like I've sucked up my mom's "your a mother, you can't have fun & be wild & crazy anymore" philosophy.

please try to learn to love the person you are now, and if there are things you don't like, do everything you can to change those (one at a time might keep you sane though). you do have to take some time for yourself. it's one of those take care of yourself or you can't take care of everyone else. also, if it was me, i would tell my husband that i needed to be pampered, i am feeling so tired of taking care of everything and everyone that you need some extra attention. it seems you need to let him focus on you (in the bedroom) and then i really think that might kick something in for you, to have a break and get pampered could be just the ticket to getting that "playful adult" back into you ;) 

How do we balance all this?  How do I balance "Playful Adult" with "Responsible Mommy"?  Any advice?

balance is the key! taking that time when you can for you, putting on makeup and doing your hair, nice clothes, will really make you feel better (even if you aren't even leaving the house that day!!!). also, talking openly with hubby will help to bring you closer and the closer you are, the more intimacy you have in that way, the more open you will be to more bedroom time. good luck & you can do it! :)


Rocker-Momma
by on Dec. 24, 2011 at 1:36 AM
I think know how you feel. I am just about ready to pop with my second, just 13 months after my first was born. I feel so down on my body, I still had 10 extra pounds when I got pregnant this time so I'm really freaking out about how I'm goin to look after I give birth. Then with the hermrroids, (eh gross, sry) but I'm so not feeling Very sexy or confident about my ability to get back to sexy. My husband wants it all the time and it's hard enough now, idk what I'm going to do when I'm just fat and not pregnant. At least it sounds like your husband is nicer and more considerate about it then mine. Although we have only been married a year, we have been 'on/off' for 7 years.

So I def wish you the best of luck!
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