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How do you get it back? (Sorry, pretty long)

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Ok, I'm new & this is my first post, but I'm really needing some advice.  When my husband & I were together (before marriage & kids), I loved sex, felt comfy in my own body, found time for myself, loved dressing up & feeling sexy.  Now, I have 2 kids full-time plus a step-daughter, oh, probably 80% of the time.  Everybody is very young - 15 months, 5, and 9.  After our first was born, I went back to work.  After the second, I quit my job since childcare was so expensive.  I adore my kids, don't get me wrong, and I love being "Mama".  But I have found that I have become a hermit that is growing resentful & feeling she has sacrificed her entire life & personality to become caretaker to her family.

The biggest problem I'm having is that my husband loves sex - & wants it all the time.  He wants the girl he fell in love with - the one that had lots of sexy lingerie, super high-heels, nice clothes/hair/make-up, toys, & liked to "play".  I want that girl, too.  However, I have no idea where she is under all the cookie smush, kid snot, pony-tail/baseball hat, exhaustion, shredded get the picture.

So, how do you get that back?  I used to be really open & relaxed & had fun.  Lately, I've found myself to be depressed & too serious & really uncomfortable with my body & sexuality.  Yes, I have talked to my doctor & am taking anti-depressants (low dosage).  Yes, I understand that anti-depressants can effect libido.  But this seems to be a psychological issue, and I don't have the funds to see a therapist at the moment.

My husband tells me over & over that he loves me & doesn't want anybody else, but I have this deep-seated fear that he's going to decide he needs that other girl I used to be & will leave, or worse supplement, if you get my drift.

I don't like the person I am now.  I love my kids.  I like being a mom.  But I don't like this person I have become in the past few months, and I don't know how to get back to who I was.  How do you do it?  How do you reconcile that "Madonna/Whore" thing?  I feel like I've sucked up my mom's "your a mother, you can't have fun & be wild & crazy anymore" philosophy.

How do we balance all this?  How do I balance "Playful Adult" with "Responsible Mommy"?  Any advice?


by on Dec. 22, 2011 at 12:08 AM
Replies (11-20):
by on Dec. 24, 2011 at 1:46 AM
1 mom liked this

 It's funny you posted this, I was thinking exactly this earlier today. For the past few weeks really. Like there's that other person in there still who really wants to come back but is buried under dishes and stuffed animals and diapers. It's frustrating! I feel like I'm going through a midlife crisis or something!

Almost a year ago, I started my own sewing business. I've always been creative so it's an outlet for me that also generates some extra cash and makes me feel more independent, as I used to be. I've also started running and working out regularly which helps a LOT. I still feel stuck inside myself, but it's gotten better.

I hope things get better for you. I have no real advice, but know that you're not alone!

Quoting MissyMom3:

Oh, but I'm not 70.  I'm only in my 30's.  I'm not trying to stay 20 forever.  I just don't want to feel like "robomom" all the time - like there's nothing to me but laundry, cooking, house cleaning & kids.  I don't want to be exactly who I was before kids, but I don't want to totally lose all of that person b/c there are parts of her I really like.  My husband is trying to be very patient & understanding, but he misses those parts of me, too.  The biggest problem is that I'm not happy with me - as a person, as a wife, or even as a mom.

I'm sorry if anybody else feels like me, but I'm sure glad I'm not alone.


by on Jan. 6, 2012 at 9:01 AM
To keep me sane as a SAHM I went back to school for my masters. I feel like I'm whoever I need to be by day but at night when the hubby and DD are asleep I can be just me and do something entirely for myself. And keeping myself rooted has done amazing things for my sex life. Hang in there
by on Apr. 7, 2012 at 6:50 PM

My husband wants it all the time, too.  We've been married for 5 1/2 years, but "on/off" before that for about 6 years.  He tries to be patient, but I feel like a total failure as a wife, a lousy mom, & a total disappointment to him.  I've been trying to ease up on myself, but I swear there are times I feel like I'm either going to have a heart attack or a nervous breakdown.  And I feel horrible as a mom when holidays roll around & I just can't find the energy or excitement to do special things with my family & actually enjoy it.

I know this is apparently just part of being a parent to young kids, and it will pass.  I just hope I can hang on to my sanity until then.


by Bronze Member on Apr. 7, 2012 at 7:33 PM
i wear push up bras and v neck shirts. Hubby loves it. I also have some nice form fitting clothes and tight jeans. what i do is dress like i got a new man to impress. Its really fun.
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by on Apr. 7, 2012 at 9:10 PM
I agree with some other postings....make time for yourself, anything that makes you feel good. Put your kids on a schedule, if they aren't already, and put them to bed early to have "me time". Then make date nights jus for you and hubby. I've been there and done kids are in bed at 9:00pm every night, even my 4mth twins. It's possible trust me. Church is also a plus....make time to read the bible cause it is a stress reliever. Goodluck mom!!!
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by Marianne on Apr. 7, 2012 at 10:20 PM

 I can't tell you how to make yourself feel better about who you are. There are some good suggestions in here, and I encourage you to try them, but ultimately, it's up to you how you feel about yourself. You are always going to be your worst enemy. And I wish you the best of luck getting to that place where you can feel good about yourself again!

But I do hope I can help in the libido department. I too struggled with sex when my daughter was born. I never ever wanted it and my poor DH always did. But I decided one day that I was going to make a better effort. I started going through with it every time my husband made an advance. I was never in the mood, but always did it anyway. The more we did it, the more I enjoyed it. The more I enjoyed it, the more I wanted it. My daughter's 3 now and I'm insatiable! I do also feel that my high sex drive has helped me feel more comfortable in my skin. So maybe the same can be true for you?

Good luck (((HUGS)))

by on Apr. 8, 2012 at 3:14 AM
You need out. I don't mean out of your marriage or out of mommy-hood, just out! Find a part-time job you can go to when DH gets home a couple nights a week (bar-tending? or just search around for fun things you'd like to do). It will bring in some extra cash AND get you some adult time.
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by on Apr. 8, 2012 at 3:26 AM

 THIS.  I struggled with the same thing for forever and still do occasionally.  This is exactly what I had to do to get back on track.

Quoting lillybug222:

Start by making time for you.

Get your hair done. Get your nails done. Buy one outfit you feel great wearing. Buy a new piece of lingerie (I'm a plus size woman & wear lingerie for my husband--you can do it!)

Schedule a recurring date night with your husband. Actually schedule it.

Schedule a weekly time for you do have some time for yourself.

Exercise. Eat healthy. Sleep 8 hours a night.

You can't be the mom or wife you want to be if you're not taking care of yourself. Taking care of you is not selfish! I'm learning this lesson right now, too.

If you are Christian, pray about it. Make time to read your Bible. If you have a smartphone, download the you version bible & choose a relevant bible study to focus on!


by on Apr. 8, 2012 at 2:11 PM

My advice I am mom of 6.  5 of which sleep right across the hall.     I have found the more time I put into getting dolled up and taking the inititive the more I can balance things.  But to start it was helpful when my mil and fil would take 1 or 2 of the kids for the  night.  It just felt like we could be more playful adult.   on a more regular basis maybe you could plan to put kids to bed a little early (like that ever happens right?)   and devote the rest of the night or atleast a portion of it to your husband. maybe just a movie together, even.  We have even had the kids in our room on the floor watching a movie with us while we were on the bed.   Nothing weird was going on just watching tv.   Praying for you.   hope this helps

by Bronze Member on Apr. 8, 2012 at 4:10 PM

Why is it when we have children our marriage needs to be put on the back burner. I say HELL NO! you should make your marriage your priority. Children needs to see what a happy and stable home looks like. Yes we love our children, but we need to love ourselves and our spouses also. The only thing I can tell you is to talk, make time for each other, you can be both Playful Adult and Responsible Mommy and have a great marriage. It must be a priority.

Children will grow up and out of our homes, then it it too late to try to be husband and wife.

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