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How to get your husband to talk to you

Posted by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 2:00 PM
  • 4 Replies

Again I was looking around the web and I thought this may be useful to some if not all of us .

I got this next article HERE at http://www.engagedmarriage.com/communication/how-to-get-your-spouse-to-talk-to-you-7-tips-for-engagement

7 Tips to Get Your Spouse Engaged

1. Be the Spouse You Desire

The first step to getting your spouse to treat you the way you desire is to model for them what that looks like.  You can’t directly control their actions, but you can control your own.  If you want them to be interested in what you have to say, be engaging and show how much you care about them.

It is so easy to fall into the trap of only reciprocating, but when you take that approach you both lose.  Try your best to “suck it up” and be the spouse that you want to be married to.  It’s called the Golden Rule for a reason.

2. Speak Their Language

In general, wives crave empathy and husbands crave respect.  Do your best to communicate in a way that fulfills your spouse on their terms.  I highly recommend that you read The Five Love Languages and apply the principles that you learn as a way to connect in a way that your wife or husband will respond to the best.  Speak their love language!

3. Don’t Shut Down

When you are not getting what you want, it is so easy to simply recoil and exact some “revenge” on your spouse by withdrawing.  This is not productive, and it will only degrade your communication further.  If you haven’t read the great guest post by Stephanie Baffone called “What’s the Secret to a Happy Marriage?“, I highly recommend that you check it out and be conscious to avoid the unhealthy communication patterns that she highlights.  Remember, it starts with you.

4. Establish Expectations

Once you’ve gotten your own mind set in the right place, it’s vital that you let your spouse know in clear terms what you need from them.  Find some quiet time, turn off the television and tell your spouse that you really need to talk.  Sit down face-to-face, take their hands in yours, look them in the eye and really impress upon them how very important this is to you.

Don’t assume that your husband (or wife) really understands how deeply concerned you are about their lack of communication.  Tell them.

5. Don’t Expect a Mind Reader

After you’ve been married for a while, it is so easy to fall into patterns.  This is especially true in the area of communication where you develop expectations that your spouse knows what you are thinking and how you’d like them to interact with you.  Take a few minutes to read “Attention Ladies: Your Husband Cannot Read Your Mind!” and take this message to heart.  With guys in particular, you cannot assume that we know what you want…trust me. :)

6. Set Aside the Time to Talk

If you want to have a healthy marriage with extraordinary communication, you have to make it a priority.  This requires time, although it isn’t as difficult as it may sound.  I will be sharing much more on this topic in the near future, but for now please check out one of my earlier posts called “Take 15 Minutes Each Day to Just be a Couple” and start setting aside a little time each day for the two of you to simply interact…without all of the distractions we all face in our busy family lives.

7. Affirm, Affirm, Affirm

Make it a point to let your spouse know about the things they do that you like!  There is no better way to encourage the behaviors you enjoy than by using positive reinforcement.

My wife and I try to make it a point to tell each other one little thing each day that we liked.  This could be as simple as saying thank you for an encouraging text message or sharing how cool you thought it was that they spent time playing with the kids outside while you prepared dinner in a quiet kitchen.  A little affirmation goes a long way!





by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 2:00 PM
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sew4fun
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 2:02 PM

This is from womans day . 9 complaints he can not handle . Not exactly "how to get your husband to talk to you " but it does go along with good communication so I thought I would add it .

9 Complaints He Can’t Handle

Why he only hears nagging—and how to get the response you want

By Meredith Bodgas

angry woman and man

Photo by: Shutterstock

Special Offer

Ever try talking to your husband about something important, and he starts ranting or totally shuts down? Here are nine common complaints men misinterpret and advice for getting through to your guy.

You Say: “Your family hates me.”
He Hears: “Your family is crazy, and it's your fault they don't like me.”

"Women like to talk about relationships, but men think in terms of fixing problems,” says Terri Orbuch, author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great. When a complaint includes words like “you” or “your,” your husband feels attacked—instead of hearing that you want his help. Make your goal clear while tapping into his love of problem-solving. “Try saying, ‘I’d like to be closer to your family. What should I do?’” suggests Orbuch.

You Say: “I think you need a new job.”
He Hears: “You’re a loser. I wish I married someone who makes more money.”

“Men’s self-worth is attached to the image they’re trying to portray,” says Doug Hirschhorn, author of 8 Ways to Great: Peak Performance on the Job and in Your Life. “Judging your husband’s choice of employment threatens his manhood.” Guys like teamwork; if he’s not earning what he deserves, show him it’s up to both of you to change the situation so he doesn't feel like a failure. Tell him, “I don't think you're getting paid what you're worth. Let’s work together to search for other jobs that’ll pay you more.” Or, if your circumstances allow, offer to pick up extra work so he can take classes to make himself more marketable.

You Say: “I wish you’d spend more time with the kids.”
He Hears: “You’re a bad father.”

Your husband may not feel totally comfortable being with the kids because you criticize his parenting skills, says Orbuch. Men like when you seek their opinions; it boosts their confidence. Tell your husband, “The kids love being with you. Let’s think of some activities for you to do with them.” Once you’re on the same page about safety and discipline, don’t judge him on the rest of his child care, and he’ll hang out with the kids more often.

You Say: “I have to do all the housework.”
He Hears: “You’re a lazy slob.”

“Men aren’t good at empathy,” says Orbuch. “They’re not going to say, ‘You’re right; you’re overworked.’” Also, you may not realize that your husband is handling some household tasks—often traditionally masculine ones—such as getting your car’s oil changed and taking out the garbage. Recognizing his contributions will motivate him to keep helping out. Say, “I really appreciated you cleaning the garage last week. Can we make a list of chores and split it up?” He’ll get the chance to show you everything he does while clearly seeing everything you do. Once he takes on more work, let him do the tasks his way if you want his continued cooperation.

You Say: “You go out with your friends more often than you go out with me.”
He Hears: “You prefer being with your friends over me.”

Your husband may think you don’t appreciate the time he spends with you (even if it’s usually at home or running errands around town). Plus, the activities he’s probably doing with his friends, like watching a football game or playing cards, aren’t ones he believes you’d do with him. To get through to him, Hirschhorn suggests starting with, “I respect that you need your guy time, but I get a little jealous when you’re out having fun without me.” Then, continue with a possible solution: “I’d like just the two of us to go out more often. Should I make dinner reservations for Friday or Saturday night?” Let him know that you’d also be up for doing his favorite going-out activities that he usually reserves for his buddies.

You Say: “You never tell me anything.”
He Hears: “Our relationship is in trouble—and you’re to blame."

“Women tend to group problems together, but men like to do one thing at a time,” says Orbuch. A general statement won't encourage a dialogue with your husband, so bring up one particular problem to get him talking. Try saying, “It seems like you’re stressed about work. I'd really like to hear what specifically is bothering you.” That’ll prove to him you want to help with whatever’s troubling him.

You Say: “You don't appreciate me.”
He Hears: “You don't love me.”

“Women want affirmations through words, but men show their appreciation through actions,” says Orbuch. You each may be missing the other expressing gratitude! Rephrase your feelings in terms he can understand, such as: “Sometimes I need recognition for the effort I put into our home and our family. I know I forget to acknowledge all the things you do for us. How can we show each other more appreciation?”

You Say: “You never hang out with my friends.”
He Hears: “You don't care about what’s important to me.”

Orbuch warns, “Using a word like ‘never’ can stop a discussion in its tracks,” and suggests changing the focus from what your husband’s doing wrong to why you’d both benefit from him spending time with your friends: He gets to see another side of you and you get to share with your friends how great your husband is. Approach the topic by starting with a compliment: “I'm always raving about you to my friends. They want to see how wonderful you are for themselves! I’d love it if you’d hang out with us soon.”

You Say: “You’re always at work.”
He Hears: “You care more about your job than you do about me.”

“Your husband already knows you’re not happy if he’s at work more than at home,” says Hirschhorn. Instead of making him feel guiltier about it, let him know exactly how his absence affects you and offer a compromise so he can be with you and still get his work done. Try saying, “Work must be crazy for you lately, but I could use your help with the kids and I miss having dinner with you. Do you think you can leave the office sooner rather than later this week? If you’re swamped, maybe you could come home and help with dinner, and then do work while I get the kids ready for bed.”

emerald2
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 7:34 PM
Great Post!
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
BonitaM
by Ruby Member on Jan. 15, 2012 at 7:55 PM

lol I say what "he hears" not what "she says". I hate when people say one thing and mean another.....DH never has to question what I mean and I always expect a direct answer from him.

AlannaMaria
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 7:57 PM
Bump:)
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