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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

First and fore most, this is not a pity me post.

Here is some background. My husband and I lost our first child to Leukemia at 6 months old. We knew we didn't have long with Jakcob and so we had all of his firsts within the first 3 months. We had Thanksgiving and Christmas with husbands families (mom & dad), his aunts uncles and grandparents, and my side the same. We went to Disney, Grand Canyon, and to both the East, South, and West coast Oceans/Gulf. We wanted him to see the world as we had planned to do with him as he grew up! When Jakcob lived past his 3 month time line we rejoiced. He got sick a month later and as time faded away so did Jakcob. At 6 months, 3 days, and 15 hours Jakcob Ethan Passed. We were at a lost. This was 4 years ago. We now have a healthy daughter who is 18 months. We live every day to the fullest and take nothing for granite!

Tonight, my husband informed me that we needed to talk. We quietly sat on our bed staring waiting for someone to say something. Finally my husband said "I miss Jakcob." ummmm okay? I miss him too but we both know we still have him in our hearts and we have to move on. We have been to counselling and still go but for some reason tonight was difficult. He then informed me he wanted to get a norther tattoo (he has a bible verse on his side) that was FOR Jakcob. When Jakcob passed friends told us we should do this, we both said NO. Tattoos (we have nothing against them) are not for us. My husbands was from before we met and resembles his rocky past. I HATE the idea of it! He even got Jakcob's Foot Prints out of the Shadow box and traced them onto paper and planned out the whole thing!! All it is, is Jakcob's foot prints taking 8 steps and then one half step. Resembling 6 months, 3 days of life, plus half a day. I was heart broken. I didn't want to crust him. I just cried and told him I would think about it. He wants it on his back shoulder blade coming up his back.

I should also mention, we don't talk about Jakob to just anyone. He was and still is our everything. We take his death as a milestone and a way that our Lord has readed us for hardship. Yes, we hurt. Yes, we cry. Yes, we miss him. No, we don't post sad pictures on Facebook about how much we miss him. No, we don't carry a sad face around on his birthday or on the day of his Birth into the Fathers arms. We understand the Lord had a plan for Jakcob. That plan we do not know but one day we will.

Should I take offense to this??? What would you do if your husband told you he wanted to get a tatoo that you didn't necessarilly approve of??

by on Jan. 24, 2012 at 9:01 PM
Replies (21-30):
MOM3026
by on Jan. 25, 2012 at 12:22 AM
1 mom liked this

I don't want to sound mean, cruel or a bitch but why would you find offense to this if he is wanting to honor your child? I wouldn't stop my DH from doing this if it his way of coping. I think you are being selfish for even being offended or even disapproving of this. Yes I'd understand if it was some old tattoo that you did not like then sure. But it is something that will mean something to him.

Also I am very sorry for your loss.

MayMommy07
by Bronze Member on Jan. 25, 2012 at 12:26 AM
Sorry for your loss I think that is a beautiful way to remember your tiny little boys life.
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farther
by on Jan. 25, 2012 at 1:23 AM

 It was his loss too. You cannot deny him what may be his only link to his lost son.  I miscsarried One of my twins, and it hurt me and my family, we know what he would be like and what he would look like. If it helps his wounds, you should support it, as hard as it is for a mother, it IS just as hard for a father

coolbreeze0717
by on Jan. 25, 2012 at 1:27 AM
Goodness, let him get the tattoo. We're not tattoo people either, but if that makes him feel better, if that's how he can feel a little better, please let him do it.
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crystalrbp
by on Jan. 25, 2012 at 1:36 AM
First off, I want to say I'm so sorry or your loss. But I myself lost my daughter when she was 3. My ex husband (her dad) told me no I CANNOT get a tattoo of her initials birthday and the date she passed away. I did it anyways because she was my daughter too. It's something that is going to mean a lot to him and your not wanting him to do it. It's a way of dealing with it for some. After I got my tattoo I went home and he tore me up one side and down the other because of what I had done. I flat out told him she was not only YOUR daughter she was mine too and it's MY body. So what I'm trying to say, if he really wants it, there is nothing you can really do to stop him from getting it. It's art and it has meaning behind it and that meaning is beautiful. Why take that away from him?
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maggiesweets
by on Jan. 25, 2012 at 2:52 AM

I agree with many of the other posters ~ I'm very sorry for the loss you've both suffered ~ and I believe you should not make his desire for a tattoo a negative thing. I hope you'll try to understand he grieves differently than you do and, if this brings him any peace, that should be the focus, not whether or not you "approve".  Think what a wonderful gift you'd be giving him if you chose not to "let" him get it but, rather, offered to go with him and share the experience. He seems to be wanting to honoring your child in a way that means something to HIM, though you may not understand it. Please give some thought to how significant it seems to be to him and respect that. If you keep the attitude of negative judgement about it and then "let" him get it, it seems to me that he might also feel like a little kid asking your permission. He loves your son (and so do you) but I think it would be a blessing to your marriage if you could share this with him, even though you might not understand it.

kajira
by Bronze Member on Jan. 25, 2012 at 3:12 AM
1 mom liked this

its his body and you need to let him grieve in his own way.

Don't be so controlling, if he needs or wants to get a tattoo to honor his son, then support him.

1Mom5x
by on Jan. 25, 2012 at 8:10 AM
I understand the whole "your body is a temple" so don't tattoo it thing. But this man is hurting and if that is what he needs to come to terms, then give the man your blessing. Generally we as Moms are stronger. We grieve differently. We also talk to children who have passed on because we know they are with us still. Men don't do that. Put your feelings aside and help him. Just my opinion...
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LilMamaK
by on Jan. 25, 2012 at 9:38 AM

 In all honesty I think you need to let him do this. If this is how he copes, then let him get closar! When my son passed away i got a tattoo of angel wings on my shoulder with his DOB. In a WEIRD way it comforts me and I feel so happy that I got it. Cause when I feel depressed, I can look at it and be reminded of him. This is something he wants to do to help with his pain and I think he has every right to. I'm so sorry to hear about your son... I'll be praying for you guys!!

*~*Wifey To Tommy(2.4.11), Mommy to Allyana(7.5.08), & Our angel baby Jovanny(3.6.10)*~*

JC2223
by Bronze Member on Jan. 25, 2012 at 9:42 AM

 It's his body and his way of healing...I'd be supportive. So sorry about your son!

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