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Were going to marriage counseling...

Posted by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 12:36 PM
  • 7 Replies

I posted back in Nov. Entitled i changed he hasn't. It's been 4m since we first talked and cried it out. He said he was going to work on his gaming, and his uncensored mouth, As well as spending more time with his children. I have not been impressed. One day it's good and i'm happier, and the next day I'm back to being angry. Seems i'm angry with him all the time, for not wanting to be apart of our lives. He says "i'm right here" but he's really not, he's on his xbox, and a lot of the time with his door shut. Totally blocking the "noise" of our kids and me making dinner after i just got home from work. He wont cook, unless it's a frozen pizza or a can of chicken noodle soup. He doesn't "play" or give attention to our 5yr old son, or our 8m old daughter. If he does interact with them it's no more than 30m. He says he doesn't like to hold our little girl, bc she spits up on him every time (are you kidding me) is the response that go's through my head when he says that. He stays up all night playing his games online with all his buddies. Makes me so mad. While I'm cleaning up dinner or folding the laundry or give the kids a bath, putting them in bed, He shared a room with our son, his games are in there, so our boy go's to sleep on the couch, and when he's finished playing online he puts him in his bed. The weekends it doesn't bother me as much but during the week it really bothers me, cause he said he would stop playing around 8:30 so our son could be in his own bed, but that hasn't happened more than 2 or 3 times. I'm done "bitching" at him over it. So i just don't say anything and just go own with my daily routine. Our life is just so one sided, and his idea of "working on it" isn't my idea. On tuesday we are starting Marriage Counseling. Valentines Day.... how ironic right??  He says he'll go if i want to, but he doesn't think he needs any kind of therapy, however if i think I do, he'll support me. HA. He see's it as being my problem i think, i don't ever wanna have sex, and his drive is through the roof, So i'll do him favors maybe twice a week maybe and we'll have sex maybe 2-3 times a week but thats not enough for him. And i just am not connected to him at all anymore and i don't feel attracted to him at all. idk what to do. I'm hoping marriage counseling will help me. and our marriage.

by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 12:36 PM
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by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 12:48 PM

Counseling is a good idea whenever problems arise... but understand that in and of itself it will not fix things. It will equip you with the tools you need to work on problems and fix them yourself. Hopefully he's as committed to it as you are.

It can be REALLY hard to change bad behavioral habits and to communicate your needs and frustrations to someone who isn't experiencing them in a way that makes them fully understand what you intend to convey. Your DH needs to stick to the limits he sets for himself, but maybe he just isn't capable or doesn't know how. He's going to have to make a committment to honor those limits and to respect you when you remind him of the limits that he himself set. You are probably going to have to work on the anger; it's one thing to be angry about a present circumstance, but it sounds like you're continuing to add fuel to a fire that's been buring for a long time, which just means you're going to get angrier and angrier each time it happens. Rather than just dealing with one present circumstance, that fire means you bring the entire past crashing down on his head and yours every time he screws up. Don't misunderstand me; I'm not saying he's in any way right for the way he acts, just that there are problems that BOTH of you will have to work on, and I'm well-acquainted with resentment.

I don't think he understands that his behavior is hurting your sex drive; maybe the counselor can help you communicate that to him. Women need so much more than just the physical stimulation to make sex worthwhile; we need to feel valued, to feel connected to the person we're having sex with. He's obviously not seeing the connection and not realizing that your needs are completely different than his. It took YEARS for me to finally get it through DH's head that if he was going to be critical and distant during the day, he better not expect nookie any time soon. It's like trying to start a car without filling it with fuel. No can do. If he's not willing to put forth the effort to get a good result, then the mediocre sex life will continue.

by Bronze Member on Feb. 12, 2012 at 12:55 PM

 The fact that he is willing to go is a great first step. The fact that you have a scheduled appointment to start is even better. Marriage counseling with a good counselor can be a serious marriage and sanity saver. Good for you both for going through with this. Don't be discouraged if it's slow takes a few visits for the counselor to really get to know your issues and backgrounds before the real benefits start to show. Use the tools they give and apply them at home. It takes a lot of WORK and conscious effort at all times, but it's all worth it when you start to see the changes. DH and I have used a counselor on and off for the past 10 years. At first it was the last step before calling it quits, and now it's only maybe 1-2 times a year when we need a unbiased opinion on an issue, but not for helping us correct anything. We use the tools we've been taught everyday. In the beginning it was exhausting to stay conscious of putting forth the effort utilizing the tools, but now it's second nature and takes no effort. We just do what works because we learned the right way to communicate, compromise, consider each other's feelings and react towards each other. Reading your post, I could pick out all the things causing some of your problems and correlate them with the tools we were given to correct them for us. When we were in "it" we couldn't see them or how simple they were to fix(with effort). Now I can see the simplicity in the solutions, but that is something you both are going to learn for yourselves with the help of your counselor. I wish you luck and hope you get the help you need from this counselor.

by Bronze Member on Feb. 13, 2012 at 1:13 PM
Good luck
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by on Feb. 13, 2012 at 5:35 PM

 When we started counseling about 7 months ago it was the same way. He was doing it for me. And we started counseling for pretty much the same reason you are.  Except i also play WOW but no where near as much as he does.I'm happier doing my crafts or reading where as he would go thru withdrawals without his WOW,lol.Things are a lot better right now. Yes he still has some issues to work thru and I'm trying to get thru my PTSD that all of a sudden showed back up about a year ago when there was no signs of it for four years. But now he asks if he can play WOW before he does. And he does his best to pay attention to me while he's playing. Where as before i would have to repeat myself over and over to get him to answer me and then he still wouldn't remember me saying it. He logs off by 7 pm on weekdays and if i need him during the weekend he has started to recognize it without me telling him. Now don't get me wrong,the counseling process has not been the easiest thing in the world for either of us. You will have ups and downs. Their was actually 2 months where i lost my "loving husband" and he went back to my "ignoring husband". That's when you make sure to continue therapy. I was really scared our relationship was going to end,emotionally that is cause i don't believe in divorce.

For months now i have been bed ridden due to severe left side pain. Usually i would force myself to still go to therapy.Well the last 3 weeks the pain has been too severe for me to go. So i told my husband he could cancel.But instead he has went to the last three sessions by himself. To me and our therapist that's a big break through for him. I'm so proud of him.

 I hope therapy works for you guys.

by on Feb. 13, 2012 at 5:42 PM

 I wonder if they have Videolics Anonymous?

by Silver Member on Feb. 14, 2012 at 12:13 PM

That's GREAT news! It's wonderful how sometimes just a few changes can really improve things,and maybe you won't feel angry all the time.

by on Feb. 14, 2012 at 12:17 PM

 I hope it works for you guys!  Good luck!

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