Where to begin? I hoping for some good feedback and support as I am new to cafemom. I am at my wits end and in an effort to preserve my sanity found this site as an outlet.
My partner met 3 years ago. We both work at a hospital and met while at work. We started dating in january of 2010 and I fell hard...he was everything I ever wanted...tall, dark, and handsome...catholic...came from a good family...he liked my family. We laughed, we shared stories, we became very close and after only 8months we were talking long term and about marriage. I was the happiest I had ever been at the age of 25. Then the wind was knocked out of both of us...I became pregnant. A baby was the farthest thing from my mind and certainly from his. Months before we had had the conversation about abortion and children and life's goals in one of those deep rooted "getting-to-know-eachother" conversations. I knew where he would stand...he wouldn't be happy, he wouldn't want the baby and it took me weeks after I found out to tell him, for fear of losing him...
Finally I broke the news to him one night after we had gone out to dinner and my world crumbled. Not only did he beg me to get an abortion; I found out he already had a child...a son... that was 3years old. He had kept this from me the entire time we had been dating. I had even asked him point blank if he had any children when we first started dating. I was in my mid 20's and he was in his early 30's...so really it was plausible for either one of us to have had children. He completely detached...he damned me for ruining his life again..told me I was selfish for not thinking of him...accused me of trapping him...blah, blah, blah. Many hurtful things were said and not once did he think of how this affected my life. It came down to the fact...that yes this pregnancy was a surprise but not in a million years could I consider abortion...so he left me. For the majority of my pregnancy he was AWOL. I was distraut to say the least.
About a month before my daughter was born he came back and begged forgiveness and asked that I give him another chance...I did. Jumping ahead now...my daughter is 2years old and we have so many issues I don't know if its worth holding onto. I know having children can be tough and a stressor even in a good relationship, but add all our drama to it and I feel like we are doomed.
He tells me all the time "he didn't ask for this," "he wasn't cut out to be a parent." He avoids taking care of our daughter and plays a minimal role in her upbringing and we live in the same house! I would say I do 90% of the parenting and even to this point I have to leave play-by-play instructions if I leave the house because he still doesn't know when and what she eats, when she naps, what her favorite toys are and has absolutely no understanding of her toddler vocabulary. This infuriates me! How can he be such a stranger to his own daughter.
Whenever we disagree or an arguement if fueled, he threatens to back out of this...that he never wanted to be married. That he doesn't ask anything of anyone else...so I should stop asking things of him. After he blows off some steam and will return and profess his love and regret...bullshit. I feel like he is crying wolf? what do I believe...he loves me? or he loves me not?
We never agree on finances...I've only gone to work part-time and he resents me for staying home. he resents my financial dependence on him and he holds it over my head whenever he helps out financially...and I'm talking like paying the electric bill or the rent. These in my mind are not luxuries but necessities that he should be provide for his family without insult to me. Add to the dung heep that we have no sex life whatsoever I don't know what I am still doing here in this relationship. If it wasn't for my daughter I would be long gone.. but on the other hand I would hate to think of him hurting her in the same way he has hurt me.
I'm a looking for advice? have any of you been in a similar situation? have you gotten through it? What communication strategies do you find useful in your relationships? have you guys tried counseling? (although he has balked at the idea for sometime...I don't even know if I could get him to attend.
PLEASE HELP. I fee like I am being emotionally abused.
Of course, what he's doing is not right AT ALL. But, I also TOTALLY understand your position. More than you would believe. Right now, I'm laying in bed, alone, while DF is drunk, sending hateful text messages to me from the kitchen. I've been thru this so many times I'm starting to grow numb to it. PM me if you
want to talk. I'll fill you in on more of my story and hopefully be able to give you some support if nothing else.
Abuse has a cycle, abuse- regret/ apology- calm- and back to abuse. From your description, there appears to be more than one type occurring in your home. I know it's not an easy thing to do, but seeking help is an important step in breaking the cycle.
Thank you for encouraging counseling...in the back of my mind I know it would be therapeutic at the very least...but why does it seem that men have a way of making you seem crazy at the mere mention of it...
Real & good men don't treat the woman they "love" like that. They just don't. As for he didn't sign up for this. When 2 people with a properly functioning reproductive system have sex, there is ALWAYS a possibility of pregnancy. I agree with the suggestion of counseling. Maybe it would at least help you sort some things out. But you also have to think long term. You have to consider this: You are teaching your daughter what to expect from a relationship, how to expect to be treated by a man, what is and is not acceptable behavior from a partner and from a father. Good Luck to you.
My best advice to you is to leave him. he's only going to hurt you and your daughter. You both deserve better then that.
*sigh*.............wow. I feel for you!!! sounds like a tough situation, but the truth is, if there has always been that side of him where he didnt want kids, and tried to get you to abort the baby, and to this day STILL blames you for it and knows nothing about his daugther, i think its time you relieve him of his 10 percent parenting duties. you have dnoe it by yourself practically this whole time and all he is doing is bringing you down, you might as well kick him to the curb and do it without him....im sure your daugther cares about her daddy, i mean who doesn't? and i hope and pray he would stay in her life, but you have to be happy too, and if ur NOT happy then your daughter feels that! you're a good mom, and you deserve so much better!
and i know this is COMPLETELY off the subject, but do you write with ur extra time? you're really good. ur composition is great, and it sounds like you're telling a story out of a book rather than your own life (by the form you write).....if you dont maybe you should try!!!
i am so sorry your going through this, an my comments are by no means meant to come off wrong( im not trying to tell you, your wrong or what to do)
but is this the type of relationship you want your daughter to base her idea of what a relationship is on? i know she is two an doesnt get it but she does get that mom is upset and daddy isnt giving me any attention. and children base their self concept on the attachment they form with those closest to them and what kind of reaction they get from others
2nd how can he cry "i didnt ask for this" like you did
if it where me, being from a family where my parents divorced, i would have much rather had my parents split before i could really understand what was what because then it would have been just how things are, instead of why cant you make it work.
Your daughter is watching and learning from your example. Don't let her grow up in an unhealthy environment that is my reason for starting to see a therapist since 18.
i doubt anyone can really help
- ms.519
on Feb. 14, 2012 at 5:40 AM