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Hubby cant get over not being the soul bread winner any more...

Posted by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 5:36 PM
  • 6 Replies

frustratedSo my husband has spent the last 10 years in the United States Marine Corps, and with the recent downsizing they are doing they are "laying off" 20,000 Marines...mine being one of them. we have a little less than 6 months left before he is out. and until very recently i have been a SAHM, His civilian career options are very limited since all he is really trained to to is lead people and shoot a gun and i recently finished my certification to be a veterinaryassistant so i would have something to do while my children where in school. after looking at job borders online my career options are significantly more plentiful than his and he is being really pissy about it. he has started being really controlling of what money gets spent on (not that that was ever a problem with me) and being more controlling in general. I have the opportunity to go back to our home state( where we are planning on moving back to when he gets out) and start looking for a job so that when it comes time for the rest of them to move one of us will have some time in a job so we even have a prayer of getting a home loan, but that would also mean leaving him here with our two girls (so they can finish out this school year), i have already made arrangements with friends of mine to watch the girls before and after school and if for any reason he would have to be away over night like having to stand duty. but he still doesn't want me to go. I'm so frustrated sitting around here waiting for things to happen to/for us and i just want to start the ball rolling on the rest of our lives. i don't know what to do.

by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 5:36 PM
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mem82
by Member on Mar. 4, 2012 at 8:30 PM

It sounds like both of you are dealing with the unexpected in different ways. He feels he has lost control of his life, so now he is trying to control things he can. That's why you wanting to move away upsets him so much. He sees that as you preparing to support him, or possibly leave him, even. Six months is a really long time to be separated when he needs you so much. Also, even though, your plan sounds really logical to a point, maybe there is also a tiny part of you that wants to get away for a while. I say, get a job where you are at and start saving all that money for a down payment. Money talks louder to banks right now than long term employment in the area. You'd have a job for six months and he was a Marine for years, that's good enough for a loan. Plus, you'd be able to get a VA loan.  

PartyGalAnne
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 9:01 PM
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You said it yourself. He's used to leading people, so LET HIM. You've stepped on his toes, you took him out of the equation with your planning, so he feels useless.

He responds by controlling the small things he thinks he has control over.

So tonight, sit down and let him be the leader, let him make the plan. That's how his brain works. Even if it was all your idea, let him think he was the one who planned and executed it.

ChantalsMom
by Bronze Member on Mar. 4, 2012 at 9:10 PM

Bump!

MissElissa21
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 9:12 PM
1 mom liked this

I totally agree with this. He is probably in panic mode. Have you discussed any of your options with him? I would start there and let him realize that the option you chose is the right one. But have an open mind that he may bring up something that you didn't think about and you may find yourself agreeing with something different. Maybe even take all of your options to a 3rd party (unbiased) and have them help you work through it. I am sure your hubby has a lot going on in his head right now. You have supported him through the past 10 years at his career and it seems perfectly logical for him to be the one that supports you at yours now. It's only fair to you, but he may need a little psychology ;) to understand.

Quoting PartyGalAnne:

You said it yourself. He's used to leading people, so LET HIM. You've stepped on his toes, you took him out of the equation with your planning, so he feels useless.

He responds by controlling the small things he thinks he has control over.

So tonight, sit down and let him be the leader, let him make the plan. That's how his brain works. Even if it was all your idea, let him think he was the one who planned and executed it.


2rays0fsun
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 10:42 PM

I think he's feeling like his world is being turned upside down. He's losing not only his job but his career, unexpectedly. At the same time, you're making plans to take off for the next six months, leaving him alone. Your plan might be practical but idk it may not be the best thing for your marriage long term.  Everyone is different but I wouldn't leave my DH to go through these changes on his own... even if it slowed things down as far as a house. I would just stay with the family/dh/kids and stick it out. Get a local job even if it's just minimum wage and save up money for the move or home. But to me it sound like you made up your mind without him?

http://militaryconnection.com/
http://www.military.com/veteran-jobs/skills-translator/

kaitybird
by on Mar. 5, 2012 at 2:44 PM
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It is a hard blow to take when you are told that you will be let go after your time is up.  I know he is a Marine but if he wants to stay in the military then he should maybe check out another branch.  I hear the Army is cutting a lot of jobs too.  He has 10 years in maybe he can do the reserves that way he can work towards his retirement if he wants.  Granted reserves have to go longer than regular.  He can also use the GI bill to work towards something that he wants to do.  He can also try and get a civil service job too.  

Meanwhile you both really need to sit down and talk about this together.  You are a unit and you shouldn't do things without talking.  He has a lot on him mind since what he has been doing for a decade is coming to a close.  It can be very hard and very trying on the military member.  Opening up is going to be hard for him and controlling is another thing especially when you will need the money when he gets out.  I don't know how the pay or medical coverage works anymore since it has been 13 years since my husband got out of the Navy.

Good luck to you.  

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