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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Are married women really not supposed to do this? Edit in Purple

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 I was talking with a few friends of mine about being married. All three of us have been married for a few years now. K has been having issues with her husband and is thinking about leaving. So we asked her what the problem is. She said he wants her to do things sexually that she doesn't think a wife should do. We asked what he wanted and she said things like oral sex, and sexy lingerie. Didn't seem to big of a deal to me. So it got me wondering why would she think this?
What do you ladies think is appropriate for a man and wife to do? Are there certain sexual acts a wife shouldn't do? Why?

Wow! I log off for one night and came back to a million responses! :) I'm going through them now but wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded! I'll try to respond to as many as I can...

by on Mar. 24, 2012 at 10:19 PM
Replies (721-730):
not-the-momma
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 3:48 PM
2 moms liked this

First of all, I feel that it's imperitive to have trust in a marriage.  Trust goes beyond being faithful.  It includes trusting each other enough to be open and honest about your fears and your desires.  I've met so many couples who don't feel comfortable talking to their spouse about sex.  I just can't fathom that.  This is your spouse, your life partner, your lover, how can you not trust them enough to speak to them about something that the two of you share together?  If you have trust in your marriage, you can be certain your spouse won't turn away in disgust when you ask them to do something you might feel is unconvential to please you.  They won't laugh at you or judge you.  If you have trust you know that your spouse will do what they can to make you happy and to please you.  The fact that your friends husband would like his wife to perform oral doesn't seem unreasonable to us, but if the wife has some inhibitions about it, she should be able to trust her husband enough to explain why she has these feelings.  Perhaps she was abused as a child or had a bad experience.  Her husband should be considerate of her feelings, and if it's really important to him he should try to make her feel comfortable enough to help her get past her fears.  If the wife loves the husband and wants to please him, she should be open enough to try to find a way to make it work for both of them.  The same goes for the husband.  Sex is only one part of a marriage.  It's a way to demonstrate how much you love and want to please your partner.  It's okay to feel uneasy about doing something new, but to just say "no I refuse to do that" seems the same as saying, "you're not important enough to me to try".  I know a lot of women who were very inhibited about sex to the point where they limited their own pleasure.  If your friend isn't willing to try talking to her husband, maybe they need to talk to a counselor or sex therapist.  For two people in love, sex can be a wonderful thing.  It's sad that your friend is so unwilling to permit herself that pleasure.   

midjet117
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 3:58 PM
i give oral and recieve it. I also think langerie is great it spices things up, we dont do anything out of our comfort zones; anal, 3 somes and swinging are all out of our comnfort zones lol
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ColoradoMomof1
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 5:27 PM

Would you have done those things as a girlfriend?  What does the difference of a wedding ring make in the bedroom with your husband?  Does it bring you both pleasure?  Too many times the thought of being a "good mother" or a "good wife" interferes in the sexual health of a couple in my opinion.  Leave the "good mother" outside the bedroom to take care of the kids.  Take time to take care of the hubby and yourself behind those aforementioned doors.  Just My Thoughts......

sugarsmom2
by Member on Mar. 28, 2012 at 5:52 PM

long time ago . married or not ladies did not do oral sex. the guy had to get a shady lady to do that . most men did not do ladies they wanted it done to them and not to give back . times change and people change . when i first married my hubby he didnt want anything like that or do anything like that to me . he still doesnt . but thinks it is ok for others . just not him .

jennifercrista
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 6:12 PM
Excuse, but in my opinion your freind is super ultra crazy conservative. It would be sad for her to lose her marriage over that. They definitely need to talk. He should respect her feelings and get nasty with his porn in secret if they want to save their marriage. But that's a little extreme, conservatively.
mrssmitley1210
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 7:24 PM

I would wear that stuff for my husband but I am comfortable with it. I dont think there is anything that your SUPPOSED to do as a married couple. I know sex is generally expected but the rule no means no still stands.

Vjsmom81
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 7:25 PM

 Do you know her really well? maybe she has had past trauma/abuse with these types of actions (oral sex) and they don't feel comfortable to her.

ladym79
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 10:17 PM

I respect your point of view....but not everyone has ill feelings towards Christianity or Pastors/preachers. I went to marital counseling and saw a very kind and knowledgable pastor for this very thing, and he helped my marriage more than I can say! He helped me to see that certain things weren't "bad" and that they were ok to do between a husband and wife. The reason I had those thoughts to begin with was because I was brought up in a legalistic household. I never once believed it was "dirty" I was just afraid to do them. The things that were ingrained in my head was my own perception of what was right and wrong from what I was taught. It's Religion, NOT Christianity that I have problems with. They are two very different things. And wether it's a sex therapist or a pastor, whichever the person feels most comfortable with is who they should see. Everyone has different exeriences. That's all I'm saying.

Quoting TXMompreneur:

YEP!!  This is the very FIRST thing I thought when I read the post--and it's a HUGE "double standard" about "Christianity".  Children/youth are taught that sex is "dirty" and "disgusting"--often, young women are told it's a "duty" we must perform.  And even though it may not be spoken aloud, when a teenage boy has sex "he has become a man", but if it's a teenage girl "she's a slut".  (I guess it's an overlooked fact that for every teenage boy there is usually a teenage girl.)  The way sex is presented inside religious organizations is archaic and twisted.  Before you're married it's "dirty, evil, sinful", but once you're married you're supposed to just forget or ignore a lifetime of indoctrination and turn into some sex goddess?  Sorry!  It doesn't work that way, and I think you're friend is (probably) a prime example of this.

True, NO ONE should be forced to do anything they're uncomfortable with, but if a husband wants to try it and a wife refuses, she shouldn't be surprised if he starts "shopping around".  Just because you're married doesn't mean that your husband isn't "straying".  The largest demographic of women contracting HIV/AIDS today is married heterosexual women who are married to closeted gay men who go out on "the down-low".  (Not surprising--at least to me--is that most of these women and their husbands are church-goers.)  IF she truly loves her husband (and I question that) she should be willing to give just about anything a try.  As someone else mentioned, have a "safe word", so if things get too uncomfortable or hurt you can stop immediately.  Lingerie is very "tame"--in fact, my grandmother had great taste in lingerie for her granddaughters!  ROFL

I agree with someone else who said she thought "something else" was going on.  Your husband wanting you to wear lingerie or have oral sex hardly seems like a "deal breaker" to me.  I also agree with the poster I quoted, and think they should seek COMPETENT, QUALIFIED marriage counseling--but NOT! NOT! NOT! NOT! NOT! with a pastor or preacher!  ("Marriage counseling" with a pastor was the straw that broke the camel's back for me!  It did NOTHING to help my marriage, and I will NEVER set foot in ANY "Christian" church again, as long as I live!  Ironically, many preachers/pastors today are "preaching" that "Christians should be having the hottest sex of anyone."  Hmmm.)

One final thought, for you ladies who either don't like oral sex or don't swallow:  JMHO, but you should swallow at least once--and look your man right in the eye when you do.  He will look at you with an "awe" that has no explanation other than, "YOU ARE A GODDESS!!"  You will have him eating out of your hand from then on. 

Quoting ladym79:

I can tell you if she is Religious at all it is possible she is so sheltered that she really truly believes that certain sexual acts are wrong. I don't know her so I cant say, but I can just tell you growing up very Religious myself and VERY sheltered It took me a long time to come out of my shell and realize that some things were Ok. Now, I personally believe that anything is appropriate sexually in the bedroom between a husband and wife as long as they are both comfortable with it. That being said, he should not pressure her or force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. If he really loves her he will respect her. I know a lot of women who don't give bj's so it's not that uncommon really. I suggest she go talk to someone, maybe see a pastor or sex therapist and let them both talk about openly about her feelings and maybe they will open her eyes and she will see that those things are acceptable. Just an idea.



tifbrown
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 10:25 PM

I say, when you are married you are free to have whatever freaky sex you want. If you can't enjoy sex with the man you married, your best friend, the person you can be most open with, you can't enjoy it with anyone.

JHKL7311
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 10:50 PM
No boundaries, only if both are comfortable with what may be brought to the table.
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