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Are married women really not supposed to do this? Edit in Purple

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 I was talking with a few friends of mine about being married. All three of us have been married for a few years now. K has been having issues with her husband and is thinking about leaving. So we asked her what the problem is. She said he wants her to do things sexually that she doesn't think a wife should do. We asked what he wanted and she said things like oral sex, and sexy lingerie. Didn't seem to big of a deal to me. So it got me wondering why would she think this?
What do you ladies think is appropriate for a man and wife to do? Are there certain sexual acts a wife shouldn't do? Why?

Wow! I log off for one night and came back to a million responses! :) I'm going through them now but wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded! I'll try to respond to as many as I can...

by on Mar. 24, 2012 at 10:19 PM
Replies (731-740):
by on Mar. 29, 2012 at 1:00 AM

Oral sex and lingerie sound normal to me. Maybe she should let him try oral on her. Just saying. As for other stuff like open marriages (3somes) and swinging if it works for many couples then more power to them. But I do think those things are inappropriate.

by on Mar. 29, 2012 at 2:27 AM

I can respect your point of view as well, but "Christianity" IS a "religion"...and a very legalistic one, at that, in most all of its denominations.  (I've been in almost all of them, too.) If your pastor had to explain to you that certain things weren't "bad" and were okay to do between a husband and wife, you still got the same message I did, but perhaps a bit "updated" or "sanitized" from the version I got back in the 1960's.

IF you read my entire post, you will know that I went to a pastor for "marriage counseling" as well.  The man had absolutely NO education for, credentials, or business "counseling" anyone, other than the fact that he was a "pastor".  The bottom line is there were over 200 women inside the church, and several outside as well, who complained about this man's "counseling" because it was nothing more than verbal and/or sexual harrassment and judgement of those who went to him for help.  Nothing was done when the complaints were individually registered, but when that same group of women got together and threatenened to sue the church over his behavior, he miraculously went away.  (He also decided to start a private practice of marriage counseling, but was shut down by the state because he had NO credentials!)

I know several licensed therapists, and given the ethics they have to adhere to concerning "doctor/patient confidentiality", none will do any work within their own churches or any other.  They've told me there is too great a conflict of interest.  That's why I said to go to a "competent qualified" counselor and NOT a pastor.

Quoting ladym79:

I respect your point of view....but not everyone has ill feelings towards Christianity or Pastors/preachers. I went to marital counseling and saw a very kind and knowledgable pastor for this very thing, and he helped my marriage more than I can say! He helped me to see that certain things weren't "bad" and that they were ok to do between a husband and wife. The reason I had those thoughts to begin with was because I was brought up in a legalistic household. I never once believed it was "dirty" I was just afraid to do them. The things that were ingrained in my head was my own perception of what was right and wrong from what I was taught. It's Religion, NOT Christianity that I have problems with. They are two very different things. And wether it's a sex therapist or a pastor, whichever the person feels most comfortable with is who they should see. Everyone has different exeriences. That's all I'm saying.

Quoting TXMompreneur:

YEP!!  This is the very FIRST thing I thought when I read the post--and it's a HUGE "double standard" about "Christianity".  Children/youth are taught that sex is "dirty" and "disgusting"--often, young women are told it's a "duty" we must perform.  And even though it may not be spoken aloud, when a teenage boy has sex "he has become a man", but if it's a teenage girl "she's a slut".  (I guess it's an overlooked fact that for every teenage boy there is usually a teenage girl.)  The way sex is presented inside religious organizations is archaic and twisted.  Before you're married it's "dirty, evil, sinful", but once you're married you're supposed to just forget or ignore a lifetime of indoctrination and turn into some sex goddess?  Sorry!  It doesn't work that way, and I think you're friend is (probably) a prime example of this.

True, NO ONE should be forced to do anything they're uncomfortable with, but if a husband wants to try it and a wife refuses, she shouldn't be surprised if he starts "shopping around".  Just because you're married doesn't mean that your husband isn't "straying".  The largest demographic of women contracting HIV/AIDS today is married heterosexual women who are married to closeted gay men who go out on "the down-low".  (Not surprising--at least to me--is that most of these women and their husbands are church-goers.)  IF she truly loves her husband (and I question that) she should be willing to give just about anything a try.  As someone else mentioned, have a "safe word", so if things get too uncomfortable or hurt you can stop immediately.  Lingerie is very "tame"--in fact, my grandmother had great taste in lingerie for her granddaughters!  ROFL

I agree with someone else who said she thought "something else" was going on.  Your husband wanting you to wear lingerie or have oral sex hardly seems like a "deal breaker" to me.  I also agree with the poster I quoted, and think they should seek COMPETENT, QUALIFIED marriage counseling--but NOT! NOT! NOT! NOT! NOT! with a pastor or preacher!  ("Marriage counseling" with a pastor was the straw that broke the camel's back for me!  It did NOTHING to help my marriage, and I will NEVER set foot in ANY "Christian" church again, as long as I live!  Ironically, many preachers/pastors today are "preaching" that "Christians should be having the hottest sex of anyone."  Hmmm.)

One final thought, for you ladies who either don't like oral sex or don't swallow:  JMHO, but you should swallow at least once--and look your man right in the eye when you do.  He will look at you with an "awe" that has no explanation other than, "YOU ARE A GODDESS!!"  You will have him eating out of your hand from then on. 

Quoting ladym79:

I can tell you if she is Religious at all it is possible she is so sheltered that she really truly believes that certain sexual acts are wrong. I don't know her so I cant say, but I can just tell you growing up very Religious myself and VERY sheltered It took me a long time to come out of my shell and realize that some things were Ok. Now, I personally believe that anything is appropriate sexually in the bedroom between a husband and wife as long as they are both comfortable with it. That being said, he should not pressure her or force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. If he really loves her he will respect her. I know a lot of women who don't give bj's so it's not that uncommon really. I suggest she go talk to someone, maybe see a pastor or sex therapist and let them both talk about openly about her feelings and maybe they will open her eyes and she will see that those things are acceptable. Just an idea.

by on Mar. 29, 2012 at 2:44 AM

I think it's okay to be a little bit more sexy for your husband... that's why they say you should spice up the sex life. But if a woman isn't comfortable with the requests from her husband, the husband should respect that. 

by on Mar. 29, 2012 at 6:03 AM
It is your chose what you do he can't make you do or wear anything you don't want to.
by on Mar. 29, 2012 at 6:45 AM

Umm no. It sounds like she has sexual issues. Possibly sexual abuse, or rape in her past. This could keep her from being sexually open with her husband. Perhaps they should try a sex therapist? Maybe you could coax her to open up to you more? Was there abuse in her past? Was she brought up in an extremely religous house where she was shamed for exploring her body and discouraged from learning about her sexuality? Things like that can play a BIG part in how a person views sex.

There pretty much isn't anything my husband and I haven't done, probably more than most married couples out there. It's all about your comfort level, and obviously she doesn't have much of one. This is something they need to fix asap. Otherwise, it is likely he is going to get frustrated and/or bored, and start looking for those "forbidden" acts elsewhere. Not to mention she is missing out on some serioisly awesome things.

by on Mar. 29, 2012 at 6:01 PM

I think that your friend is being incredibly closed minded. It is such a stupid thing to divorce over. I've been married for almost eight years now. You have to try new things sometimes in the bedroom. You never know you won't like it until you try it.

by on Mar. 29, 2012 at 6:28 PM
Exactly ladies lol
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by on Mar. 29, 2012 at 6:36 PM
PaRtY tiMe !! LoL

Quoting dbugga:

Oral sex and lingerie sound normal to me. Maybe she should let him try oral on her. Just saying. As for other stuff like open marriages (3somes) and swinging if it works for many couples then more power to them. But I do think those things are inappropriate.

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by on Mar. 30, 2012 at 6:24 PM
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I don't understand why this woman is immediately labeled a "prude" just because there are somethings she doesn't want to do. Hell there are things I would never do with my husband and he's just fine with that. Also why do some people assume that her husband would find someone else to satisfy his needs? Does nobody believe in a commited understanding relationship anymore. My husband doesn't go around looking for other women to sleep with just because there are things I won't do. He respects my choices not to do certain things. He doesn't get mad. I believe she should be able to choose what she's comfortable with and not be called names because of it. So she doesn't want to wear sexy underwear or give oral, who cares. If she changes her mind down the line then that's her choice.

by on Mar. 30, 2012 at 8:24 PM

Maybe she (or he) should get some flavored condoms. That will make it easier to please him without going all the way out of her comfort zone.

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