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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

The Silent treatment

Posted by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 9:31 AM
  • 9 Replies
Dh and I got in an argument last night and haven't really talked since. I'll give the short version and see if I can get some advice.

Before I took my Ss's to karate last night I asked Dh to watch the potatoes so the water didn't boil over. I come home and they're off the burner and I asked if he checked them or Sd, he said Sd did. I got irritated because I asked him to do it, not to be a bitch but cause he's been on his computer constantly and I just wanted him to do Something.

I leave him alone for a while and ask him later what's going on. He says he's tired of my shit and I'm always mad when I come home. For a while I was, his 3 kids moved in with us full time and I was trying to adjust and it seemed like every time I left and came back the house was a war zone, but I've been working on it. I told him it wasn't about Sd it was more that I asked him to do something to get off the computer for just a Few Minutes and he wouldn't. He told me even though I'm his wife I needed to mind my own business and stay out of his. That pretty much ended the conversation cause it hurt my feelings and we haven't talked since.

Any advice ladies? We've had a hell of a couple months, and I've tried to be supportive but I can only take so much.
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by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 9:31 AM
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Replies (1-9):
i.heart.myboys
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 9:38 AM
I think he's having a hard time adjusting as well. I think you both need to talk it over with adults and perhaps come up with some routine!
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angelmommy2806
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 9:56 AM
I know I was just hoping for support from him to. He's been out of work due to an accident in November and is having surgery next month. Which is why I don't ask him to do many things, just something simple. He always ends up asking the kids to do it though.

Quoting i.heart.myboys:

I think he's having a hard time adjusting as well. I think you both need to talk it over with adults and perhaps come up with some routine!
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Krysden
by Platinum Member on Mar. 28, 2012 at 10:26 AM

That's a tough one.   Honestly, my first thought when reading it was that you are treating him like one of the kids.  ( I understand that it's hard not to when you feel like he's acting like one)  Mainly it was this part that made me feel that way: "it was more that I asked him to do something to get off the computer for just a Few Minutes and he wouldn't"  Don't get me wrong, on one hand I can totally see being annoyed about the computer all the time.  But at the same time, he is an adult.  If I had to guess, I'd say what he heard when you asked him to do that one thing was "it's important for the potatoes not to boil over"  He might not have picked up on the fact that it was important to you that HE be the one to do it.  

It sounds like the whole house is probably under quite a bit of stress at the moment.  And he may also be just a little worried about his upcoming surgery.  My only advice is what was already said... talk to him.   Have a discussion like two adults.   Let him know why you are concerned... what you worried about, what you are afraid of.   Men can be clueless sometimes.   Good Luck.    

angelmommy2806
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 11:11 AM
1 mom liked this
I guess in some ways I do treat him like one if the kids. I drive him everywhere and take care of everything. I know he's nervous about the surgery and so am I. His mom is coming to help with the kids while he's kept overnight, he asked me to stay if I could and I told him I'd even sleep in the crappy chair.

I love the man to death and I've probably done a little too much. I do the majority of cleaning, taking the kids places. A lot of stuff and I guess I'm also just needing to hear a thanks. Eh sounds like my own pity party. Thanks for the advice!


Quoting Krysden:

That's a tough one.   Honestly, my first thought when reading it was that you are treating him like one of the kids.  ( I understand that it's hard not to when you feel like he's acting like one)  Mainly it was this part that made me feel that way: "it was more that I asked him to do something to get off the computer for just a Few Minutes and he wouldn't"  Don't get me wrong, on one hand I can totally see being annoyed about the computer all the time.  But at the same time, he is an adult.  If I had to guess, I'd say what he heard when you asked him to do that one thing was "it's important for the potatoes not to boil over"  He might not have picked up on the fact that it was important to you that HE be the one to do it.  

It sounds like the whole house is probably under quite a bit of stress at the moment.  And he may also be just a little worried about his upcoming surgery.  My only advice is what was already said... talk to him.   Have a discussion like two adults.   Let him know why you are concerned... what you worried about, what you are afraid of.   Men can be clueless sometimes.   Good Luck.    

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2lilmamas
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 11:36 AM

 

Quoting i.heart.myboys:

I think he's having a hard time adjusting as well. I think you both need to talk it over with adults and perhaps come up with some routine!

 I really think he's a bit stressed and all trying to adjust. Still doesn't give him the right. But when comes men and emotion they handle things very differently.

2rays0fsun
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 11:45 AM

I would be annoyed about the potatoes too - but it's one of the "choose your battles wisely" moments. I guess it's less about the potatoes as you feeling like you're doing most of the work for the household now. Including driving him, etc. And the potatoes was just another little example of that. At the same time he probably feels less of a man (or something along those lines) that he can't work any longer on top of anxiety about the surgery coming up. If he really is feeling lacking, being treated like a kid isn't going to help... I agree you two should talk about this. Maybe you can come up with set things he can do daily to help out?

Jen137
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 11:57 AM

I completely understant what you are saying about being on the computer. My SO does the same thing and when we argue he gives me the silent treatment and plays poker on facebook, It drives me nuts!! I can't stand that he does it but he says the reason why he does it is because it gets his mind off of what we are fighting about and it makes him less mad. I've learned to leave him alone when he is on it even though I can't stand it. But our fights don't last as long and he is better once he calms down. Its just his way of letting off steam instead of getting mad at me. But there are times where i can't let it go cause it does drive me insane that he does it. And then we do get into a huge fight over it. As far as helping with dinner my SO does help if I ask. And saying its none of your business what he is doing is rude and mean :( I don't know what I would do if my SO said something like that to me. But I know I wouldn't be happy about it either. I don't know what advice I can give you except ((hugs)) I am sorry you are going through that. I hate it when my SO and I fight. I've learned I need to disengage myself and not care what he does and just do what I need to. Do what makes me happy. And when I do that then I don't care as much that he is on the computer. But I totally understand where you are coming from :(

cookbooklady
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 12:29 PM

Leave the chaos of the house and go someplace quiet and talk. Full disclosure on both parts each telling the other you won't get upset about what's said because it sounds like you both have things to talk about. You both have to be heard. Stress with the kids and surgery can be hard. Be more specific about his help around the house. Wishing you the best.


angelmommy2806
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 1:01 PM
It was. I didn't blow up on him though I was just irritated. It was when I went to give Ds a bath and he followed us in I asked what his problem was. It was definitely all the little things adding up and I tried explaining that to him and he just went back to the potatoes *face palm*. The only things around the house I've asked him to do is sweep the stairs and clean the microwave. The kids and myself do the rest.

If he does feel like he's lacking I just don't see how sitting around all day is going to help.


Quoting 2rays0fsun:

I would be annoyed about the potatoes too - but it's one of the "choose your battles wisely" moments. I guess it's less about the potatoes as you feeling like you're doing most of the work for the household now. Including driving him, etc. And the potatoes was just another little example of that. At the same time he probably feels less of a man (or something along those lines) that he can't work any longer on top of anxiety about the surgery coming up. If he really is feeling lacking, being treated like a kid isn't going to help... I agree you two should talk about this. Maybe you can come up with set things he can do daily to help out?

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