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My expectations are ruining my marriage... is it just me??? HELP!

Posted by on Apr. 22, 2012 at 9:14 AM
  • 26 Replies

DH and I have known each other since HS. I was married before. We are married 7.5 years and have two DD together. He has always been a bit immature. But standup in other ways. We have a great deal of stress in our lives. Always have. My problem is I have expectations that he doesn't come close to fulfilling and then I get mad at him. IE, last night he bought a bottle of wine. I wanted to enjoy it with him. It was Sat night and the kids stayed up late w me watching movies, goofing around (he was on FB the whole time right in the same room drinking the wine). By the time everything was settled down the wine was gone. I was all bummed and annoyed that he didn't save any for me. We are tight financially and it's a real treat when we can have wine. Any human would think to share - RIGHT? Save half??? That's what I teach the kids... And he yells at my son if he ever gets caught finishing anything!!!!  So I turned him down (even though earlier I already told him 'I guess we're not doing it since u drank all that wine' and I told him how I don't like having sex when he's been drinking bc its just not fun for me. He got really pissed then when I blocked him and reminded him I said no. Then it turned into how I'm such a selfish person. Waiting for everyone to serve me. And other things that thankfully I could not hear. BUT, this happens over and over. Things I feel he would never do to some girl he's dating, yet he does to me. He's a perfect gentleman to women when we go out. He puts on a charade. Worst part, is that he knows he's playing these games. I just feel... if he got a bottle of wine, I'd expect he'd save some for me for when I was finished w the kids and settled down. Or, is it really me. If I wanted some, should I have poured mine and put it aside? If I asked him to save some, he would have drank it anyway saying 'ooops'. btw, he's had drinking problems in the past and that's another reason we have a dry house most of the time. Oh, and I had to block his posts on FB because I got sick of him NEVER addressing me on there. Just about his guns, or himself. Sometimes a pic about the girls. But me... never. We had a big blowup over this too. So I just thought it was easier to block him so I can't see the stupid stuff he writes. And the fact that all these old female friends are always the first ones to comment on his stuff.

I really love him on a deep level. When it's good its good. but I know I'm not being treated w respect. I go out of my way to keep the kids from seeing these things. I set up opp for them to have a very good relationship. Although he's a jerk to my son 75% of the time. Totally jealous of him. Thinkshe should be doing way more chores (my dh does NOTHING around the house, doesn't pay the bills, minimally helps w the kids... just goes to work).... 

so, am I wrong to let expectations ruin our relationship? is it all in my head??? we are going to see a councelor. just hope he doesn't leave before then over these fights.

by on Apr. 22, 2012 at 9:14 AM
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by Member on Apr. 22, 2012 at 9:43 AM

I don't think you are wrong to have expectations, but if it had been me and I wanted some of the wine I would have gotten a wine glass and poured me some.

On fb, my dh rarely mentions me. He has pictures of different things we do, our garden, vacations, etc and I am in some of them but mainly he uses it to talk with old friends and family that live in different countries. I don't really find it odd that your dh uses it for the things he does.

I have never quite understood though if a person has had a drinking problem why they think they can drink. I know several people like this.

by on Apr. 22, 2012 at 9:48 AM
Your husband should of been thoughtful enough to save you some wine. I'm my opinion he was greedy and selfish. He seems like a very immature man and I dont think I could stay with him. As for your son thats just bullshit. You shouldn't let him treat your son differently.
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by on Apr. 22, 2012 at 10:02 AM
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I think it is greedy and selfish of him not to offer some. Would the two of you normally share ? Although I do think it was selfish, I also think you could have poured yourself a glass or made some type of comment inclining you would want some when the kids settle down.

I think the Facebook thing is stupid. Specially to have your husband blocked on Facebook. The two of you both have one but yet are not married to eachother on their ? That's like an open book of telling the world you have problems. Who cares if girls are commenting, he's your husband, he's home with YOU.. and if he's just making a post about guns or stupid guy stuff, well that's to be expected he's a guy... Guys aren't gunna use their Facebook to tell the world how much they love their wife everyday.

I think its sad and pathetic how many relationships really have fights over a social website now. Is this really what society has come to that relationships are being damaged over technology ?
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by on Apr. 22, 2012 at 10:07 AM
If I had wanted some wine I would have asked him to save it or poured my own. As far as FB goes, I wouldn't let it bother me. I don't address my SO often either. I may tag him in a photo if it's a family event we r at or thank him for something sweet he did but that is about it and pretty rare. I live with him and see him everyday so IMO not much need to communicate online.
As far as him being a jerk to my child , I would def address that and if it continues to be a problem that's reason enough for me to bail. If he's truly a jerk for no reason other than jealousy , I couldn't handle it. And I have very high expectations when it comes to how I'm treated. I kinda have a jackass theory - I can be single and be happy so I'll never settle for less than what I deserve. Good luck.
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by Silver Member on Apr. 22, 2012 at 11:05 AM

I would've been annoyed as well. My husband and I share a bottle of wine every night and he knows not to touch my half,lol. The counseling should help quite a bit,he will behave a little better and you will lower your expectations a little,and you can meet in the middle. Blended families are very tricky too,you have your hands full! Hugs mama!

by on Apr. 22, 2012 at 11:10 AM

He kinda sounds like a self absorbed jerk.  I think if he has a drinking problem you should discourage any wine at all, I would not drink in front of him let alone with him if he has a drinking problem.

by Bronze Member on Apr. 22, 2012 at 11:22 AM
he probably should have saved you the wine. that would have been nice. As far as fb goes, i never really mention my husband, he never mentions me. I dont care though, and i dont see a prob.

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by on Apr. 22, 2012 at 11:32 AM
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I definitely don't think it's wrong to have expectations, and that was selfish of him. On the flip side, maybe you should try to tailor your expectations a little. You know how he is, you know he likes the alcohol and hasn't exhibited much self control, so while he was beig selfish you would have been better of pouring a glass and setting it aside. Saves you the resentment and him the issue of remembering to be unselfish in an instance where he's repeatedly shown he doesn't have much, if any, control.

As for the Facebook thing... It's Facebook. My DH almost never addresses me on there unless I address him first, BUT I live with him! I don't get to see him every day because of his job, but we call and text and video chat... So why should Facebook even matter if we're using other communication forms?

Expectations are fine, but you need to pick and choose which are important to you. Decide whether it's worth a fight or whether there's an alternate solution. Also make sure your expectations are made very clear to you husband; I think as women we really like our men to come up with the caring, selfless gestures on their own but sometimes they really just don't understand why something is important to us.
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by on Apr. 22, 2012 at 12:46 PM

I think it's great that you are going to a marriage counselor--you both need a third party with proper insight.  Your husband sounds a bit immature, but you need to reach deep down and get a hold of your emotional reactions (understandable as they are.) Communication on a calm level is key here. Try to express your concerns from a calm perspective in a way that doesn't put him on the deffense (he's only human, after all...we all are)-- avoid the urge to be critical (even if you feel it is warranted--it hasn't worked for both of your benefit so far...) Overall, hang in there (((hugs)))

by on Apr. 22, 2012 at 1:29 PM

Personally, I don't think he should have just saved you some wine. I think he should have waited until you could have both enjoyed it TOGETHER. However, I also think that if he has had drinking problems in the past he shouldn't be drinking at all. My fiance had a drinking problem when he was younger and he doesn't drink at all now. We try not to even be around other people who are drinking. Everyone handles it differently I guess.

I am kind of in the same boat as you. My fiance doesn't meet my expectations on many things either. And it's things that I think are pretty simple and nothing out of the ordinary. However, he works very long hours and doesn't get home from work until midnight (he works at a restaurant) so we rarely even have time together. He still helps around the house and never complains about working so much.He is amazing in someways but clueless when it comes to other things. He says he was never shown love as a child and therefore doesn't know how to show anyone else love like a 'normal' person would. I believe it. His childhood was very messed up. He is in counselling and he says it's working. I'm sure if we had more time together things would be better.

I hope counseling helps you guys. We were originally in counseling together but the three of us decided my fiance needed one-on-one counseling first to work through his issues from childhood (it's a new intense EMDR therapy). When he is done with that, we will go back to couples counseling.

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