Stay or Move On

[ilsestephanie]

Im looking for opions on what to do....

My kids daddy & I have been split up for several months now, but recently we've been able to get things straight between us & get along much better & pull out of our financial struggles we were always getting into before. We'd been together since 2007 & moved in in 2009. We share our 3 kids. through those years we went from Amazing to Catastrophe in a matter of him changing jobs a few months after we had our 1sr bby. My family's never been too fond of him since all of our problems after that. We've gone from having a decently normal life to having zero & begging for help. Somewhere along the line last year our love & care for each other vanished & we were getting deeper into the hole. It was constant augue & yell. (at times things did fly) Just las summer around Aug. i found that he'd begun to talk to an old friend from school eventually that turned into a relationship (while we were still together) he wasnt willing to admit to me, no matter how much i confronted him about it. Eventually we split & on my own with no family support at the time i was unable to do much of anything much less work. He aided me in getting us a place & has been supporting us since then & didnt make me work since i was only a few months from delivering our 3rd bby this past winter. He still supporting us & we've been living togther since then again. But he does his thing & I do mine. He's still with this girl but since our relationship has gone great, we know what we want & have been reaching our goals just like we;ve been trying to all these years. we've been sharing the same home all this time (since he foudn it pointless paying  2 seperate rents). Recently we've talked about possible starting our relationship again & give it one last shot, but his still unsure & im inseccure about how much honesty & if he'll be able to completly finish the relationship he's had with this girl. ... ...

Should we give it another shot at this or just go our seperate ways once i start working & getting up on my own????

 

[MixedCooke]

you said you have worked things out financially and otherwise and have 3 kids, so I would give it a shot.

[Lindalou907]

Go to a counselor and talk all this out,it will help you learn how to argue without things getting out of control. Have you considered having an "open" relationship? It doesn't sound like he's willing to give up the girlfriend,could you deal with that?

[Wafah]

Hello there. I feel your pain and can relate to some of your struggles having just come out of a divorce myself. It seems that you have been on one huge roller coaster ride and it hasn't been easy. I wouldn't advise you to just jump back into a relationship with him again, unless you have done some real healing and have worked on yourself. You may possibly be addicted to this relationship and so can't see yourself having a life outside of him. If he is still seeing this girl, I would say stay clear! You don't need to be second best and don't deserve to be treated that way. Have you perhaps tried any form of counseling or therapy? I think it's important before you move forward. You need to ask yourself what is it that YOU want, what is important to you, and would he be able to meet that? If he cannot give you what you want and what you deserve in relationship, there is no point in wasting more energies there. Start focussing on you, and building your self esteem. Reflect over where you went wrong in your relationship, why and how you can grow from that and become a stronger person. Also ask yourself if you have the strength to handle his personalities, and should he reject you in the future, would you be able to handle it? Would it be fair to place yourself once more in that situation?

I have been divorced now for 2 months from my ex husband. He wants to reconcile and look at ways to make the relationship work again, but I have too many doubts and insecurities. We shared 2 kids, but they were his, from a previous marriage. His wife is late, he lost her in an accident. He changes direction like the weather, one day he wants me, loves me and I'm the best thing that has happened in his life. But just let us have a fall out, and then he blames me, criticizes me, wants me to leave and says I make him miserable. I don't know if I trust him anymore and if I trust that he will be committed to our marriage. His parents are very unsupportive of me, and over possessive of the kids. For now I have decided to terminate all contact with my ex and work on building my inner strength. I don't have faith in him anymore and don't know if I can trust him.

These are just my thoughts and I may be wrong, but if I can be of any support to you, I am here and would love to be there for you.

[ilsestephanie]

What do you mean by "open"? i dont think ive heard that expression before...

[lovingmommy4316]

I say go for it but only if he agrees to end it with the chick completly & go to counciling

[ilsestephanie]

I appreciate the support very much... Honestly its been a very long time since ive thought of myself. Ive just always had the mentality that once a mom kids are first & foremost. I've alctually thought about it being an addiction ive had ppl tell me that when were together my focus is just on him & bbys, ignoring everyone else around me. Ive wanted to get help but i dont really where to turn for it. weve broken up & gotten back together several times 2x or more my actions because id gotten fed up. but somehow i always went back to  him turn my back on my family. .... Thinking about it now I think he could make me happy, i mean he use to be abl eto do it) its really of him wanting to & actually meaning it & not just going through the motions. Ive done some healing but im still hurting. much more when i read things between them unintentionally & it takes me back to when he use to tell me what he tells her. when all of his promises to her he once made me. It just breaks me that in the end i got the loosing end of the bargain. That i gave so much up so in the end he could just walk out like nothing ever happend. I pretty much feel robbed.

[Wafah]

I can understand that you feel robbed, but it's never too late to change and start giving to yourself. Remember that you allowed some of this to happen because you accepted his behavior and kept looking for happiness in him. No one can make you happy, you have to first find it inside yourself. Yes, you have given too much, and will continue to do so unless you start focussing on yourself. It is painful and the hurt just doesn't go away, but it can become easier to handle if allow yourself time to heal, instead of waiting for him to turn around and change.

[2lilmamas]

Hmm. If you love him see if you make it work. But I dont how you can go about trusting him again. The fact that he cheated while you was pregnant and continued after you stayed I find totally disrespectful. But in the end it your choice.

[MomToovey]

 I certainly think it's worth it to give it a shot - but take it slowly. Don't pick up where you left off. Start over. Go through the dating & get-to-know-you process again. Allow things to move forward when you're both ready and sure of the relationship.

[pinklove22]

tbh i wouldnt he sounds like he doesnt want to give up his relatiionship with this new girl unless he dumps her for GOOD and starts counseling....good luck