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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Inadequacy

Posted by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 11:39 AM
  • 10 Replies

it all goes back to me writing him a letter (at that time high school boyfriend) dumping him when he was in basic training for no reason other than a boy here bugging me too.

We are now married and love each other soo much, it feels incredible to feel so loved and cared for, but our problem is that he feels inadaquate in everything, and i think it goes back to the letter, 11 years ago. He took that letter and believed it and lived by it, he did everything you could possible do in the special ops..and beyond..He thought that he wasnt good enough..but none of that was true and he we are back together and married and yet hes afraid of me leaving him, and him not being good enough of a hubby or lover or provider or cook, when he is, he is and he just doesnt believe me cause i have a very hard time showing it emotionally i guess. Im not sure what to do, its a weird circumstance, i feel horrible that my dh feels inadequate cause hes awesome and lives and breaths for me,he is the most selfless person ever and he will make a great dad too.

 im just not sure how to get through to him, ive wrote him poems, showed him how i was searching for him for all those years, i tell him all the time how much i look up to him and love him and how great he is in bed..but none of that matters. He is virtually pushing me away from not believing me when i tell him those things, it hurts that he hurts if that makes sense.

by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 11:39 AM
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Replies (1-10):
madamlinwe
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 11:50 AM
1 mom liked this

That's rough. How long ago was the letter written?  Just tell him you wrote the letter when you were young, and you were in a weird spot.  Your sorry it hurt him, but none of it is true. Maybe you can write him a new letter? Other wise, you might have a problem if he keeps pushing you away.  Maybe you guys can see a marriage councilor?

fostermomoftwo
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 11:59 AM

ya ive done the new letter thing, he knows i was young and really immature, it was 11 years ago. He says he forgives me i just have to forgive myself for writing it..he knows if i had any way at all to take back that letter that i would in a sec. I wanted to be with him then and feel like i missed out on so much in his life. i didnt realize that he was going to propse to me back then, that was the surprise, but i dumped him 3 days before and guess told him never to contact me again..because of the boy i dumped him for. its kindof confusing but the guy i dumped him for i eneded up marrying, and losing my virginity to him instead of my dh when it shouldve been my dh, that guy ended up being horrible to me in everyway, so i think my dh is upset that i left an awesome realtionship and went with some douche bag.

 We got back in touch 9 months ago and been married for three months now..were going to have to try counseling if it doesnt get better cause he says he sooo  happy to be married to me, 'thats all hes ever wanted in his whole entire life' but i dont know how when he feels inadequate.

im more lost on what to do.

Quoting madamlinwe:

That's rough. How long ago was the letter written?  Just tell him you wrote the letter when you were young, and you were in a weird spot.  Your sorry it hurt him, but none of it is true. Maybe you can write him a new letter? Other wise, you might have a problem if he keeps pushing you away.  Maybe you guys can see a marriage councilor?


SassyLaLa85
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2012 at 12:15 PM

Why don't you write him a new letter explaining everything to him. Let me know why you did what you did in the past and then explain how much everything he does for you know mean to you. Be specific and be very loving and caring. Take your time in the letter. Maybe he needs written proof since he took the other letter so seriously.

I write my husband letters all the time.....I can express my love to him without them, but when I write the letters, I take my time and I am very specific regarding my love for him and everything he does for me. Then he also has something he can look back on when he is unsure of things.

madamlinwe
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 1:09 PM

Sounds like you guys have talked it out a lot, but he's having troubles letting go.  I think for some people, no matter what you do or say, things haunt them.  If he is having troubles dealing with it, it would be best for couples councling..or even if he can find another guy friend to talk about it.  Guys ussualy have troubles talking through problems like that though.  I feel for you girl, it must make you feel rather awful even after everything you've done for him to be pulling away from you.  I hope you guys can work this out, there is nothing worse then seeing someone feel like less of themselves and pulling away from you because of a mistake from years ago.

fostermomoftwo
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 2:04 PM

exactly he says he forgives me yet still thinks im going leave him or not love him, if i dont say i love you just right he doesnt think i love him with all my heart, sometimes he does other times he doesnt..and this is just when i say I love you so much or I love you hun..so now im afraid to say i love you cause i dont wanna say it wrong. He is def been pulling away for the last six months hes been playing video games when hes not working non stop..he says it his problem not mine, but i feel like its me that hes trying to get away from, i feel myself slipping back, anger, when he gets onto the laptop game..weve discussed this so many times, and so far hes been doing better, but hes also been working long hours.

he doesnt think we need counseling cause our marriage is still very new. I am very happy to be married to him and he says hes so happy to be married to me, thats all hes ever wanted. you hit it right on the head, im pulling away cause i feel like im failing as a great wife, since my hubby thinks hes not handsome, not adequate or anything, when hes very much the opposite.

they say women are confusing!

Quoting madamlinwe:

Sounds like you guys have talked it out a lot, but he's having troubles letting go.  I think for some people, no matter what you do or say, things haunt them.  If he is having troubles dealing with it, it would be best for couples councling..or even if he can find another guy friend to talk about it.  Guys ussualy have troubles talking through problems like that though.  I feel for you girl, it must make you feel rather awful even after everything you've done for him to be pulling away from you.  I hope you guys can work this out, there is nothing worse then seeing someone feel like less of themselves and pulling away from you because of a mistake from years ago.


olivejuice2
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 4:02 PM
You can tell him over and over again that you wish you'd never sent the letter and you were wrong, and you two can talk about how much you love each other until you are blue in the face, but the truth is; words are only words.

You say it's hard for you to show affection, but that is exactly what you need to do. You need to physically show him your feelings in little ways like holding his hand, rubbing his shoulders after a long day, or snuggling up to him while while watching TV. Be emotionally intimiate share things with him that you don't like to share with just anyone- let him know if he is the only one you have ever told. Don't protect yourself from getting hurt by keeping your walls up, or you will never be able to help him tear his walls down.

Obviously, this is a two way street and if you doesn't respond by opening up to you as well, that is a big red flag. But he needs time, don't expect him to suddenly drop all his insecurities right away.

The only way for him to truely feel safe and secure in the relationship is for you to prove to him that he has nothing to fear. That takes time. Be patient and show him through your actions how much you care.

Good luck!
olivejuice2
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 4:30 PM
Quoting fostermomoftwo:




Just read this part.

In addition to giving him time and giving him no reason through your actions to doubt your feelings, make it very clear to him that if he can't accept that you're being honest he will eventually drive you away.

Be gentle and let him know that you WANT to stay with him no matter what, but if he continues sabatoging the relationship like this and making you feel like crap, he will eventually cause what he is afraid of happening. He may not think he is worth your time or that any woman (especially you) could ever really want him, but he NEEDS to accept that you disagree. If he can't see it, fine. But he must believe you that you are choosing to be with him because you see something he doesn't.

You need to let him see how much he is hurting you with all his doubting. You need to be able to say "I love you" and not have to worry if he will believe you or not. It is manipulative of him to demand you say it just right, weather he means to manipulate or not. His insecurities are turning him into an asshole, imo. If he won't go to couple counseling, see if you can get him to see a counselor on his own. Or tell him that your relationship may not be very long yet, but it has lasted long enough to be having problems and that makes it long enough to see a therapist.

Whatever you do, don't tiptoe around him hoping he will get better on his own. Do what you can to help him know he is more than adequate, and be clear and forthcoming about your own needs in this marriage. Sounds like you have been trying, let him know he needs to try too. Don't yell or be angry, just calmly let him know that you love him and are trying to meet his needs the best you can but here is what you need from him if he wants this to work.
fostermomoftwo
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 4:36 PM

Wow you are awesome, im gonna print this out and re-read all this. Thank u!

Quoting olivejuice2:

You can tell him over and over again that you wish you'd never sent the letter and you were wrong, and you two can talk about how much you love each other until you are blue in the face, but the truth is; words are only words.

You say it's hard for you to show affection, but that is exactly what you need to do. You need to physically show him your feelings in little ways like holding his hand, rubbing his shoulders after a long day, or snuggling up to him while while watching TV. Be emotionally intimiate share things with him that you don't like to share with just anyone- let him know if he is the only one you have ever told. Don't protect yourself from getting hurt by keeping your walls up, or you will never be able to help him tear his walls down.

Obviously, this is a two way street and if you doesn't respond by opening up to you as well, that is a big red flag. But he needs time, don't expect him to suddenly drop all his insecurities right away.

The only way for him to truely feel safe and secure in the relationship is for you to prove to him that he has nothing to fear. That takes time. Be patient and show him through your actions how much you care.

Good luck!


2rays0fsun
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 5:17 PM

I think you should just continue to express your love as much as possible, in ways that he can hear & see. You got back together 9 months ago and are newlyweds, so everything is still pretty new to him (and you). So maybe it's just a matter of time and patience.

PartyGalAnne
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 11:41 PM

He needs to live in the present and not in the past.

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