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Thinking about separation....

Posted by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:32 PM
  • 7 Replies

Well to start off, my husband and I have been together for almost 8 years. We started dating when I was 14 and he was 17. Got engaged at 17 and 20, got married at 18 and 21. We have a son who is 17 months old. Well, when my husband, then boyfriend, was 19 he decided that a co-worker he worked with was very attractive. He hid this from me for about 3 weeks then told me that he liked her but that he wanted to be with me. That he only talked and texted her. I believed him. I had no other reason not to. We got over that. The next year, the same thing happened with me. I only seen him maybe once a week for about 30 mins at the most.So a guy I worked with, we also were still in high school and had 2 classes together, started hanging out more and talking. We kissed, nothing else. We moved on from that. We get married the following year. Fast-forward to 2010, we had our son. I had severe PPP after having my son, so I know our marriage suffered. IT has continually got worse every day.  I had to go to therapy for it and seen a guy there, who was very attractive. I wasn't getting any attention at home, so when we talked it made me feel good. We ended that talking bc I felt it wasn't right either way.

Today, the girl that he liked way back when decided to let me know what they did when they "Were together". Turns out, he lied, they did do stuff and it makes me feel really gross now to be with him. I called him and asked him. He denied it, over and over. Then finally admitted to a little at  a time. Then it all came out. He did not have sex, but done other stuff. We had it out, about him, about me, about everything. We know our marriage is in trouble, and has been for a while. We both decided today that we will give it a few days to calm down and then decide what we want to do. He told me that he wasn't sure he loved me, he still had feelings, but honestly did not know if he was in love with me. I have thought about leaving before, simply for the fighting, never getting along, we have no happiness with each other at all. But I have a son to think about. I have not worked since he was born, and am going to school. I depend on him 100% financially. I feel lost and do not know what to do. . What would you do, how would you handle it, what would you say?? We rarely have sex, have no intimacy whatsoever, can't really get along, and do not know how to fix it. I'm really not asking to be bashed..I am really upset about the failing of my marriage and need real advice..no ugly comments please

by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:32 PM
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Replies (1-7):
Krysden
by Platinum Member on Apr. 25, 2012 at 11:38 PM
1 mom liked this

It sounds to me like you need to date your husband again.   It can be so easy to let life get in the way but it's up to the 2 of you to NOT let that happen.   A good relationship needs tending, nurturing, caring for.   On your end, a good place to start could be making a point of writing down 3 things that you love about him before you go to bed at night.   Try this for a week and don't repeat things.   Good Luck to you.

JennPearce
by Jenn! on Apr. 25, 2012 at 11:42 PM

I'm really sorry. :( If you want it to work, I agree that you should try dating again to bring back the spark. Maybe counseling to get past what your DH did to you with that girl. I'm sure that was devastating to find out. Hugs! I hope you find happiness.

Ichthus
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 9:57 AM

It kinda sounds like you guys are already separated in a way if you only see him for 30 minutes a week. Is he at work that much? Maybe he needs to stop working so much so you two can have time together. I understand not wanting to be around him when you're not happy with him, though. I think I would start with counseling because you need some direction for how to be together without fighting.

mango44
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 10:05 AM

Well if I had hind site when my marriage was in frouble I shoulda left when my child was young.  Instead I became more dependent on him and then when my child was 8 everything blew up in my face.  It would have been better to end it when she was only 2.  He had told me he wanted a divorce and I found out he had been having an affair for over a year with someone at work.  Instead we stayed together but I found out he continued affairs over the 20 years of marriage.  I was miserable for half my life, what a waist of time.  I personally would not stay, but figure out a plan first.  Relatives might help, get your ducks in order if you decide to get out of this rocky relationship.

CDMelty
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 1:54 PM

Just ask yourself: At this point in your life, right now, are you better off with him or on your own? Add up the pros and cons and figure out if you would be better off overall if you left him. If life is better with him as your husband, stay and work on it. If your life would be better overall on your own, then seperate. But don't do it on pure "I don't need this shit" emotion. I've seen lots of women end up dirt poor in rent by the week motel rooms wondering how they got there when a year before they'd been living in a family home, sharing the load.

Serenity7
by Platinum Member on Apr. 26, 2012 at 3:38 PM

 All that matters is what do you want to do. It is easy for a person to say what they would or would not do if they are not in the situation

camdenp10
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 12:52 AM

First off thank you to all who answered with their advice! This is a really hard time for me. Thank you all for your thoughts. I have thought long and hard and talked with him and we decided that we will try our hardest to get through this.

@ Krysden: I will def try that out. I'm sure we both need to hear those things. We do not know who the other one is anymore and we used to be so close.

@JennPearce: I mentioned counseling and he has agreed, as long as we can find a good counselor. I have asked him several times in the last year to go and he refused. I guess now he realizes that we do need help.

@Ichthus:I am calling about the counseling tomorrow morning! I hope I can get some good news!

@mango44: As with the other replies, I am going to try counseling. I have a little one who means the entire world to me. My father was never around and my mother died when I was 12. My DH's mother and father divorced when he was 2 . So I would really like to make it work for us, but also for him. He deserves to grow up in a happy home with parents who love each other.

@CDMelty: I am weighing my options...I think I would like to make it work. I just hope counseling goes good!

@Serenity: Thank you so much!

 

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