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A serious crossroads...

Posted by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:40 PM
  • 35 Replies

 Hello ladies,

I'm new to the group, so here's a little about me and my situation. ANY advice is welcomed. I don't have many girlfriends (in fact only 1) so any input helps. :-)

I'm a 24 yr old mom of two. I have a 4 year old daughter and 2 year old son. I have been with my husband for 6 years and married for 3. I own a small business that I run from home and he has a good job with our gas and electric company.

We've gone through our issues over the years, but one area that we've always had trouable with is trust. And by we, I mean me I never trusted him, and turns out I had good reason not to. About 7 months ago I started to suspect that he was sleeping with someone else. You know the same old drill, said he was working when he comes home smelling fresh, Just wasn't right. He came clean about cheating with one woman, multiple times. Then came clean again saying that over the years it's been about 10 different women- multiple times.

Needless to say I was devasted. I asked for a seperation- and we've been since. We are still living together (because financially we just have to) but things aren't the same. I know some time has gone by. but it feels like just yesterday.

When I asked him why he did this, his explaination was that it was me. I didn't want to have sex enough, try different things etc. Thiis particular reason hurt like hell. I suffer from endometriosis. Anyone who has this or knows about it knows that sex is painful often times. I have many times gone through with the pain to please him. I had two of his children for god sakes!

At this point I really do not know that I want this marriage. He says he does and that he's willing to do anything, but I don't believe him. The latest woman he had this affair with has an aunt that is very supportive of his relationship with her (knowing he was married) and he is still keeping in contact with her. In my mind that says the complete opposite.

I do love him to a point. He's a good father and my children are in love with him. But he checked out as my husband a LONG time ago. I can't find it within myself to check back in as his wife, At the same time, I look at my children and the life I worked so hard to build and think, "I'll be damned if all I invested in this relationship, this man- goes to the next woman."

I just don't know what to do......

by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:40 PM
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Replies (1-10):
capfelbeck
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:43 PM
Counseling
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
MaryKayGrace
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:46 PM

 We've tried counseling. He doesn't take it seriously at all. In the session he will put on a nice show for the therapist, but as soon as we get home it's like nothing ever happened.

Quoting capfelbeck:

Counseling

 

Grace Molina Mills


MK Beauty Consultant
Email: gmolina-mills@marykay.com


Phone: (917) 736-2228 Website: http://www.debbiegrant.com/

stockuponlove
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:47 PM
I would seriously try counseling before walking away completely. Yes you've done all the work. But honestly hun you never want to look back and think that you didn't try the one thing that could work.
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Lani-mommi
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:52 PM
I have endometriosis as well and I can't imagine my husband doing to that me so I'm not gonna tell you what to do but if you wanna talk through it I'm here I know that sometimes help
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Melissa0741
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:54 PM
I'm really, really sorry that you're going through this. I can't imagine the pain and hurt that you feel right now. I would think that if counseling isn't working, you definitely need a REAL separation (meaning both emotionally and physically). I don't know how you are supposed to figure out what is best when you don't really get a break from the relationship. I know you say it's best financially, but if you divorce then you will need to figure it out at some point...right? I feel like he kind of gets away with it because he isn't seeing what it's like to really lose his family. So I would imagine that he isn't taking it as seriously as he should. What is his reason for talking to the woman's aunt? I don't see why he would need ANY type of contact with her at all, especially if he knows it upsets you. I'm normally not one to say leave or divorce, but it doesn't sound like he's really changing. His actions are speaking louder than his words in my opinion (not taking counseling seriously, talking to the aunt, blaming you for his affairs, etc).
Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do!
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
MaryKayGrace
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:54 PM

 Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. I would be totally open for counseling is he took it seriously. We gone, MANY times, and he puts on a show for the therapist. Any homework he gives us or tasks he doesn't care to do. He'll make excuses. At this point I feel like I made every effort I could, and emotionally I might be too late for me.

The only reason why i'm questioning my decision is because there are times I look at him and know what he COULD be, if he really tried. And he's grown in other areas of his life. It's just this one area- the cheaing- that I just don't know that he can stop. So man women so many times. I just don't know.

Quoting stockuponlove:

I would seriously try counseling before walking away completely. Yes you've done all the work. But honestly hun you never want to look back and think that you didn't try the one thing that could work.

 

Grace Molina Mills


MK Beauty Consultant
Email: gmolina-mills@marykay.com


Phone: (917) 736-2228 Website: http://www.debbiegrant.com/

stockuponlove
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 10:59 PM
1 mom liked this
Baby cakes, if he hasn't changed yet he won't. You can't make him be the person he can be. But also you deserve a relationship that you bring out the best in each other. Not wanting the best to hopefully happen.

Quoting MaryKayGrace:

 Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. I would be totally open for counseling is he took it seriously. We gone, MANY times, and he puts on a show for the therapist. Any homework he gives us or tasks he doesn't care to do. He'll make excuses. At this point I feel like I made every effort I could, and emotionally I might be too late for me.


The only reason why i'm questioning my decision is because there are times I look at him and know what he COULD be, if he really tried. And he's grown in other areas of his life. It's just this one area- the cheaing- that I just don't know that he can stop. So man women so many times. I just don't know.


Quoting stockuponlove:

I would seriously try counseling before walking away completely. Yes you've done all the work. But honestly hun you never want to look back and think that you didn't try the one thing that could work.

 

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
MaryKayGrace
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 11:01 PM

 Thank you soo much Melissa. That was very sound advice, and how I have been feeling for a while now. I just didn't know if it was right. Or if waht I was feeling was just anger about what as done to me. I feel like his actions are saying something very different. At the same time, I made it very clear that we were seperated. Making what he does and who he talks to his business. He had no real reason to speak to her.

You're absolutely right. I will have to make it on my own eventually. It just hurts so much. I didn't get married to get divorced. I feel like I didn't my very best and it still wasn't good enough. I made mistakes, but I worked hard to change. It just hurts.

I feel like I let my children down. I created a life for them that I didn't have (both my mom and dad) and now it's going to be taken away. It just makes me feel like a really sucky mother.

Quoting Melissa0741:

I'm really, really sorry that you're going through this. I can't imagine the pain and hurt that you feel right now. I would think that if counseling isn't working, you definitely need a REAL separation (meaning both emotionally and physically). I don't know how you are supposed to figure out what is best when you don't really get a break from the relationship. I know you say it's best financially, but if you divorce then you will need to figure it out at some point...right? I feel like he kind of gets away with it because he isn't seeing what it's like to really lose his family. So I would imagine that he isn't taking it as seriously as he should. What is his reason for talking to the woman's aunt? I don't see why he would need ANY type of contact with her at all, especially if he knows it upsets you. I'm normally not one to say leave or divorce, but it doesn't sound like he's really changing. His actions are speaking louder than his words in my opinion (not taking counseling seriously, talking to the aunt, blaming you for his affairs, etc).
Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do!

 

Grace Molina Mills


MK Beauty Consultant
Email: gmolina-mills@marykay.com


Phone: (917) 736-2228 Website: http://www.debbiegrant.com/

MaryKayGrace
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 11:02 PM

 Thank you very much, you're very right.

Quoting stockuponlove:

Baby cakes, if he hasn't changed yet he won't. You can't make him be the person he can be. But also you deserve a relationship that you bring out the best in each other. Not wanting the best to hopefully happen.

Quoting MaryKayGrace:

 Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. I would be totally open for counseling is he took it seriously. We gone, MANY times, and he puts on a show for the therapist. Any homework he gives us or tasks he doesn't care to do. He'll make excuses. At this point I feel like I made every effort I could, and emotionally I might be too late for me.


The only reason why i'm questioning my decision is because there are times I look at him and know what he COULD be, if he really tried. And he's grown in other areas of his life. It's just this one area- the cheaing- that I just don't know that he can stop. So man women so many times. I just don't know.


Quoting stockuponlove:

I would seriously try counseling before walking away completely. Yes you've done all the work. But honestly hun you never want to look back and think that you didn't try the one thing that could work.

 

 

Grace Molina Mills


MK Beauty Consultant
Email: gmolina-mills@marykay.com


Phone: (917) 736-2228 Website: http://www.debbiegrant.com/

MaryKayGrace
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 11:03 PM

 Thank you Lani!

Quoting Lani-mommi:

I have endometriosis as well and I can't imagine my husband doing to that me so I'm not gonna tell you what to do but if you wanna talk through it I'm here I know that sometimes help

 

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