Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

My husband barely wants to have sex!

Posted by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 3:19 AM
  • 23 Replies

 

Poll

Question: Would you give up enjoying sex with your spouse? Yes or no

Options:

Yes

No


Only group members can vote in this poll.

Total Votes: 49

View Results

My husband of 12 yrs and together for 17 barely wants to have sex. I'm 40 and he's 42. I have been having this issue with him for many years now. He has been in therapy and taking SSRI's for several years and these meds have side effects that include lowered libido, desire and sex drive. He turns me down constantly even pushing me away and giving excuses about how he is tired and doesn't feel well. Tears stream down my face as I write this and recall what he had put me through. The rejection is horrible and his comments degrading. He claims I have a problem and must be a nympho for wanting it as much as I do. In actuality I think my drive is within normal limits I don't medicate daily the way he does and never have. He is completely dependent on these meds and they destroyed his sex drive for years now. I have paid the ultimate price in my marriage to this man. I've had to give up something that I really enjoyed and looked forward to sharing with him for years to come. His selfishness and denial of his problem have slowly destroyed me over the years. I have had to resort to satisfying myself and meeting my own needs. I've even questioned whether I'm not attractive anymore but I'm reminded by others that that's not the case at all. I've even fantasized about other men but have never engaged in an extramarital affair. There were opportunities to do so but I love and respect my husband and our marriage and the children, home and life we have created together so much so that I would rather opt for divorce before considering anything like that. He has no idea the suffering he has put me through all these years denying me something that should just come naturally. I have had to initiate sex for years now and he sometimes gives in just to appease me but makes it clear he doesn't really want too. I'm 5ft 4 in and weigh 145 lbs. brunette. For years I thought there was something wrong with me but would occasionally be reminded while out and about when men would small talk me or pay me a compliment that I must still be fairly attractive. The resentment that has built up inside of me over many years is ready to burst. I think he is so selfish and thoughtless to sacrifice this part of our lives and make me the sacrificial lamb. Now I completely get why people just stay for their children. I still think that it would be best for us to divorce so he can be with someone who is just as disinterested in sex as he is. Do I settle and accept it or hold out for hope that things could change although I sincerely doubt it. He is so hooked on those meds, sports, watching TV and solitaire I doubt he will ever change. He would rather continue on the way things are than accept that he has a problem and that it has been affecting me all these years.
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 3:19 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
nicole6870
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 3:33 AM
1 mom liked this
Sorry but though I sympathize w/your pain, I empathize with your husband. DH and I went though years of this same thing only it was me that didn't want it. I had severely low self esteem and I am supposed to be medicated for hashimoto's but am not. One symptom of the hypothyroidism is low sex drive. He stuck it out. Yes we fought. I even cried bc I knew how crappy of a wife I was. Idk exactly how to help you but when you took your vows you said for better or worse, in sickness and in health. He needs to get help or switch Meds or both. But its your job as his spouse to stick with him and help him.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
thatislife
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 10:00 AM
1 mom liked this
Let him know when I'm in no uncertain terms that this is a dealbreaker for you and ask him to go to counseling and speak with his doctor about alternative medications. If he refuses to move on with the divorce
thatislife
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 10:17 AM
Quoting nicole6870:

Sorry but though I sympathize w/your pain, I empathize with your husband. DH and I went though years of this same thing only it was me that didn't want it. I had severely low self esteem and I am supposed to be medicated for hashimoto's but am not. One symptom of the hypothyroidism is low sex drive. He stuck it out. Yes we fought. I even cried bc I knew how crappy of a wife I was. Idk exactly how to help you but when you took your vows you said for better or worse, in sickness and in health. He needs to get help or switch Meds or both. But its your job as his spouse to stick with him and help him.


Did u put the blame on your spouse and refuse to try to get better, that seems to be the difference.
chloesmommy777
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 2:47 PM

I would try to have a frank discussion with him with the use of good timing--tell him you love him enough to broach this subject, but do it from a calm perspective.  You both could use family and spiritual counseling as well, for the sake of your marriage and your children.

nicole6870
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 4:40 PM
Honestly I don't see where he blames her. He does lash out and call her a nympho which is wrong, I agree. But, yes I did react that way at times. Sex hurt bc I didn't want it, I didn't want to be touched. Anyway long story. From what I read, yes I reacted the same way.


Quoting thatislife:

Quoting nicole6870:

Sorry but though I sympathize w/your pain, I empathize with your husband. DH and I went though years of this same thing only it was me that didn't want it. I had severely low self esteem and I am supposed to be medicated for hashimoto's but am not. One symptom of the hypothyroidism is low sex drive. He stuck it out. Yes we fought. I even cried bc I knew how crappy of a wife I was. Idk exactly how to help you but when you took your vows you said for better or worse, in sickness and in health. He needs to get help or switch Meds or both. But its your job as his spouse to stick with him and help him.



Did u put the blame on your spouse and refuse to try to get better, that seems to be the difference.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
ck1021
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 4:47 PM

I could have written this post because thats how similar it is to what I have gone through....the meds will definitley effectt his sex drive...he should also have his testosterone checked because it decreases as a man ages.  He should look into sex meds like viagra or cialis.   I have been like you, crying from the rejection and questioning my own looks thinking that Im not attractive anymore.  It killed my self esteem like you.  My husband switched meds and got off all his pain killers and our sex life increased a bit, but I am the one usually initiating..  Be patient.  Explain to him that you want him because you love him and you miss the closeness and intimacy.  Maybe he can just pleasure you without you doing anything to him?

Ichthus
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 5:55 PM

I am in the same boat as nicole. I don't know exactly what affected my loss of interest, whether it was being on the pill, having MS, or a combination of things. It has been a struggle for my dh and I also. We have both said some hurtful things to each other because of it. I've tried to change my attitude and be available without being negative. He knows I am not interested, so that makes it less fulfilling for him, but we make it work. I'm sure your husband's depression makes it so that he doesn't even want to make the effort. Depression is a horrible thing! My husband struggles with depression also, so I know keeping sex from him only makes that worse. I'm sorry that you have to deal with both his depression and lack of interest and intimacy. You have to decide if you want to continue to stick it through knowing he's probably not going to change. 

Quoting nicole6870:

Sorry but though I sympathize w/your pain, I empathize with your husband. DH and I went though years of this same thing only it was me that didn't want it. I had severely low self esteem and I am supposed to be medicated for hashimoto's but am not. One symptom of the hypothyroidism is low sex drive. He stuck it out. Yes we fought. I even cried bc I knew how crappy of a wife I was. Idk exactly how to help you but when you took your vows you said for better or worse, in sickness and in health. He needs to get help or switch Meds or both. But its your job as his spouse to stick with him and help him.


RnNHamilton
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 6:13 PM

Ok so I didn't read before I answered the poll. I went through a time when I never wanted sex. I would turn my husband down and even told him that we could have sex but I wasn't into it but i knew he needed a release. Anyway, I know what your husband is going through some what. My husband even thought like you. Was he not sexy enough and so on. I didn't want to be like that but i didn't know how to change it and i didn't know why i was like that. I guess it was just my hormones from the BC I was taking. Once I got off of them I was better. I would still go through time like it but it wasn't as bad. You should talk to him. Dont give up before you know how he truly feels. You married him for better or for worse and this is one of his worse times. I hope you can work this out.

thatislife
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 6:56 PM
2 moms liked this

I've read through some of the replies and understand what people are saying about 'for better or worse' but when worse lasts an excessive amount of time and the other partner is doing nothing to work on things I think they too have checked out of the marriage so it isn't just 'you' giving up. 

 I think this goes deeper than lack of sexual desire.  I see that often used as an excuse for an unsatisfied spouse.  If you love your partner you listen and try to meet their needs.  That means that while he is working on medical causes for his lack of desire (which it doesn't sound like he is doing), you are understanding that he may not be willing or able to have intercourse frequently.  It also means that he cares enough about your unmet needs to meet those.  That can be done through oral or manual stimulation and is not all dependent on him being in the mood or having an erection.  It doesn't sound like he has, is or is willing to make ANY efforts to work on this other than to make you feel like crap. 

I stayed in an unhappy marriage way too long and one day I was at my parent's anniversary party and realized I could easily make it to that anniversary with my spouse, I definitely had the ability to do it.  And I had to ask myself what would I have gained besides the pride of saying I've been married ..... years.  Was I willing to throw the rest of my life away for that?  Were my children, spouse, or I really benefitting from this marriage in anyway?  Getting out was the best thing I could have EVER done for me and my children.  I am now remarried to a wonderful man and can't believe the years I endured because I thought I was doing the 'right' thing.

RoseBlossom
by on Apr. 27, 2012 at 9:17 PM

im sorry for what your going through. at first i was gonna say, you should stick through it, since its mostly his meds, but you never said what the meds are for, and i figure if its been YEARS like this, than there is def something wrong on his part-selfishness. so you two need to def talk it out and make a plan. you need to tell him EXACTLY how you feel, no beating around the bush, straight forward and that your thinking about leaving. maybe when he realizes that your not just going with the flow of his, then he'll change his tune, otherwise he wont and hes needs to see a marriage counselor. Good luck and God bless

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN