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Ending this relationship...and anger.

Posted by on Apr. 29, 2012 at 7:50 PM
  • 20 Replies

Long story short-ish, I was with my ex fiancee for 71/2 yes. It was abusive. He choked me a couple times, spit in my face once, threw things and was an angry and mean person. I have a 9yr old son from a previos relationship and we have a 6yr old son together. I stayed in the relationship even though he was abusive when I shouldnt have. Anyway, one day he packed my clothes in trash bags in front of my children and threw the bags into the livingroom and told me to get out (because I had told him he was selfish). That wasnt the first time he had done it but for whatever reason, that was the end for me. I got an apartment that wouldnt be ready for a few months but we made up and I was scared to tell him about the apartment. He promised to change for the 100th time and I told him that I was going to move. He didnt like it but for the first time I actually stuck with it. Through the years we were together I begged him to be nice to me, invited him to church, etc. Now that we arent together anymore, he reads the bible every day, takes my sons to church with him every sunday and when I dont go (im more of an every month church-goer than every week) he looks at me as if its shameful. Even if this change is real and permanent, I dont plan on getting back with him because I am so angry and resentful. It bothers me that since weve been together, I put my friends on the back burner becaudse he would get angry when I went with them. I didnt go to church when I wanted because he didnt want to go. I never did anything because he didnt want to do anything. I am 27. He is 40. I was 19 when we met so I went straight from my moms house, to being with him. I never lived. I allowed him be the center of my existance because I didnt want him mad with me because him being mad lasted weeks and i wanted to keep it to a minimum. Now, this isnt completely his fault. I stayed. I put up with it. Now that we arent together, it makes me mad as hell that he's all "im saved, im working on me, etc" and I feel like a complete failure for letting this happen. I missed out on so much friendship and opportunities. My boys think he's the best thing since sliced bread and wonder why Im not in church as much as him. Im just plain old pissed off. About the abuse, about my choice to stay, about the fact that he so easily is forgiving himself while I cry at the thought of the things hes done. How can I move on and stop from being angry about things that i cannot change??? Also, he feels that I am breaking up the family and doing a horrible thing by deciding to leave. That makes me feel like Im doing the wrong thing even though i know I do not love him and dont think I could ever get over the things he has done. Am I a terrible person for leaving? I just feel guilty now that he says Im tearing the family apart because thats not my intent....

by on Apr. 29, 2012 at 7:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
CameronsMommy23
by on Apr. 29, 2012 at 7:55 PM
Only you know what's best for you. Good luck.
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MomRocs1102
by on Apr. 29, 2012 at 8:51 PM

You know what you can deal with and what you cant.  Think about how he treats you and decide if you want to spend the rest of your life that way If it were me spitting in my face would have been the end that is the ultimate disrespect to me.  Decide if you want to raise your babies in that.  I was in a relationship like that and I did what was best I packed my baby and left.  I wanted him to have positive man role models in his life

caylin23
by on Apr. 29, 2012 at 8:53 PM
No, your not a terrible person. I think personally you stayed long enough in the relationship. It will take time to heal from what you just lefted. Good luck
KristinawithaK
by on Apr. 29, 2012 at 8:58 PM
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He knows that he's done wrong otherwise he wouldn't be trying so hard to make everything right. Rest assured he's beat himself up inside and is trying to find ways to live with his own guilt. Whether he admits it or not. Hang in there, you're doing fine. When you're done healing you will feel so great to be away from that poison.
.Sugaree.
by on Apr. 29, 2012 at 11:40 PM
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It is not your fault. He is still showing abusive behavior by blaming you---the victim. It is NEVER the victims fault. He will never change. Don't fall for it.
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prenatalRN
by on Apr. 29, 2012 at 11:44 PM
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Thisand your boys will know the truth when they get older

Quoting .Sugaree.:

It is not your fault. He is still showing abusive behavior by blaming you---the victim. It is NEVER the victims fault. He will never change. Don't fall for it.


NikiSellers0806
by on Apr. 29, 2012 at 11:50 PM
1 mom liked this
He may be honestly trying to change but the skeptic in me says this is just a control tactic to keep you. Move forward with your life, be the best you can be and dont let him have power over your life. If he is truly a changed man, you will know. Listen to your heart, if it smells like sh*t it usually is!
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Concerned101
by on Apr. 29, 2012 at 11:55 PM

Since you are not legally tied to this man, I would advise you to keep moving on with your life. His conversion may be phony, and I do not think you should take a chance as he may be putting on an act to get you back. I do hope you have a faith to sustain you and that you will find a church that will help you spiritually and socially.

Roo1234
by Bronze Member on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:06 AM
1 mom liked this

If he has been violent to you, you need to stand your ground.  You didn't break up the family, you removed yourself from a dangerous situation.  THat isn't terrible, that isn't worth guilt.  That is what should have been done far earlier.

Tell him that if he is sincere in making himself a better man that he has your full support, but that he needs to get couseling specifically for his anger issues.  Just attending church and reading a book isn't going to cut it.  How do you know he really is reading it every day?  How do you know that what he is doing isn't just for show?  Ignore his shameful looks because he has not right to judge your soul or your actions.

As for your boys, this is their father.  Do not interfer with their relationship.  You aren't going to change their opinion of him and to attempt to do otherwise will only make you looik bad. Support their going to church.  Be happy for them and make sure to ask them all about their expereinces and time spent with their dad.  Take an interest in them and when they ask why you don't go with them, be honest.  Let them know that you aren't comfortable, but that it doesn't mean you aren't faithful.

Seeking counseling.  Figure out how to get past the anger at him and at yourself.  Decide the kind of woman and mother you want to be.  Accept that which you cannot change.

Perhaps you should seek out a new church.  One that inspires you, one that you connect with more fully.  One where you don't have to run into him and your children because I suspect that is part of what keeps you away on Sunday mornings.

JennPearce
by Jenn! on Apr. 30, 2012 at 12:38 PM
This is not your fault.. He is trying to have any little bit of control he can get on you by saying those hurtful things. You know he hurt you and aren't happy. Stick to your guns. It'll take time to heal. Hugs!
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